I find myself in an unusual place. Sitting in front of a computer screen before dawn, my mind races with thoughts that will not let me rest. My spirit is wrestling with the idea of embracing the physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of wellness. Looking at life through those three lenses, physical, emotional, and spiritual, may help us find healing and wholeness.
The Fight is Real
In the past, I have spoken much about learning to live with cancer. The fight language adopted by much of our culture does not sit well with me. It could be I take it all too personally. Yet that is my reality. Let me explain.
A few months ago, it felt like my time here on this earth was ending. I lost eighty pounds in a very short period. When my oncologist spoke, I saw a nervousness and sense of urgency that I had not seen since my diagnosis in 2016.
Joseph and Rayann were both home for Christmas and New Year’s. I did little more than sit in my chair and sleep their visits away. To conserve my energy, we would plan one outing every few days. Even that was exhausting.
I found myself unable, unwilling, or even scared to commit or plan for events more than a few weeks into the future. Every day, I felt weaker. Projects got prioritized, and I found myself taking care of things so Nancy would be comfortable living in our home alone. In many ways, it felt as if cancer was finally winning. A part of me raged against being labeled a loser. I despise that language.
Something Shifted
We added another liver doctor to my team. He declared me “over-hydrated” and has me on water pills. Thanks to the pills, I lost another twenty pounds and am closer to getting my daily ten-thousand steps in. If you “lose me,” check the nearest bathroom.
My oncologist had me meet with the physician’s assistant this past week. This does NOT happen when he is imminently concerned about my well-being. When all my appointments start being scheduled with my oncologist, I know he is concerned.
Nancy and I have not felt comfortable scheduling vacations for a few years. Between caring for Mom and Dad, Nancy’s job, and my myriad doctor appointments, we have stayed close to home. Last week, we planned three trips between now and July. Looking to the near future seems like something we can do. At Christmas, I was unable to think past any given day. Something has shifted. [Read more…]
