dnicewonger@gmail.com, Author at Daniel Nicewonger

Silent Tears

January 22, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 5 Comments

My Piece is Done

When I last saw my oncologist he had a plan. I was to get an MRI. He was to talk with a radiologist. We were to meet again in three weeks. My sense was that he thought it would take me a few weeks to get the MRI. Nancy is a pretty good scheduler of my appointments. We left the oncologists on Friday and I was set to have the MRI on Monday. Monday afternoon came and I got my MRI as instructed.

Impatient

A few days after my MRI I started to get impatient. My “work” was done. If Dr. Saroha was ready to meet and discuss the future I saw no reason to wait. I called the office and told the nurse, “If Dr. Saoha is ready I am all set to meet sooner than three weeks.” The next day scheduling called to change my appointment. “Dr. Saroha would like to meet with you to review your MRI and talk treatment options.”

We moved my appointment to this Wednesday afternoon. There is no use waiting.

I still feel good. My energy level is okay. I get tired but nothing like when I was first diagnosed. This appointment will be interesting.

As we have traveled this journey Nancy has taken opportunities to share her piece of the experience. Every now and then I will get an email from her with the subject line “something I wrote”. I have to be in the right frame of mind to read it. I know it will capture the heart of this journey in vivid and real ways. Her latest offering is no different. I share it with you here.

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MARKERS

January 14, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

The signs were there. Markers of what was. Easily ignored when viewed alone, but built one upon the other they served as markers that a new season was about to begin.

MARKERS

Walking up the hill to the local coffee shop I was out of breath. This felt familiar. “Stop being paranoid, you are simply overweight.” The truth is I have not really exercised in over a year. My trips to the gym cut short because of the neuropathy. I am at the upper end of my normal weight fluctuation. Any time I have found myself near this weight life has not been easy. It has served as a reminder to change habits and get myself back into shape. Start the diet. 10,000 steps per day is the goal.

CAT Scan is complete. The normally emotionless nurse who administers the test places her hand on my shoulder and says, “You be well now.” There was tenderness and caring in her voice, her touch, in the entire interaction. It caught me off guard. I have talked with Nancy about her. I have shared about how she is all business, kind of robotic as she goes about her job. This was different. “Stop imagining things.” “Maybe her boss has started to help her get better with patient interactions.” [Read more…]

JONAH

January 13, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Growing up as a child I loved the story of Jonah and the “whale”. What young boy did not get excited about the idea of a man swallowed by a “whale” and living to tell the tale. It sounded so exciting and like the kind of adventure you read about in the story books.

As I grew up I learned there were many lessons found within the four short chapters of Jonah. Lessons that helped me understand my relationship with God, the way I look at life, and how I move towards others. For the next four weeks we will be exploring the story of Jonah and the big fish.

The book of Jonah deals with core issues such as forgiveness and grace. It helps explore those things which motivate us, those things which move us to action. I hope you can join us for the next few weeks as together we learn some of the lessons found within this great piece of scripture.

Service begins at 11:00, there is a fellowship lunch immediately following worship service.

HABITS SHAPE REALITY

December 30, 2017 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

As we near the close of 2017 and the dawn of a new year I thought I would share something I have re-learned the past few weeks. Habits have a way of shaping us even as we try to shape our habits.

During my twenty months of chemo treatments I struggled to remain focused and energized. I became a strong believer in the importance of naps and learned to pace myself in new ways. Pre-chemo Dan loved to use the time after dinner to read and study. It was my time to catch up on what was important to me. During my chemo treatments I found it very difficult to read. I could not remain focused and would need to read whole sections a couple of times to figure out what an author was saying. At the end of the day I was often exhausted and if I could stay awake in my chair that was a victory. It was not unusual for me to sit down in front of the television and “relax” the night away. Honestly, it was about all I could muster during my treatments.

When we decided to take a break from chemo my focus slowly returned and the effects of “chemo brain” gradually lessened. What did not change was my habit of going to sit in my recliner and watching television for much of the night. I had become comfortable, dare I say addicted. My habit was slowly becoming my reality. Each night I would think, “you should go to your study and read.” Each night I would come up with a reason to stay put and watch the night slowly pass me by.

Habits have a way of slowly morphing into something that defines us. This happens when we intentionally start a new good habit in an effort to transform some aspect of our life. It happens subtly and often goes undetected when a bad habit becomes something that shapes and defines our personality or lifestyle. [Read more…]

looking backwards

December 27, 2017 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

I have been on a somewhat unusual journey for the past few days. It started when I began to transform my blog into a book. At first it seemed like a pretty straight forward project. Take the posts from one format and put them into another. Ultimately that is still the reality of what I have been doing. What I was not prepared for was how the process would affect me.

Remembering the journey

I spent time laughing as I remembered the day Rayann drove me to my chemotherapy treatment and took me to Owen’s vet instead of my oncologist.

I felt pain as I remembered what it was like to sit on our front porch with no energy, no sense of a future and wonder what tomorrow would hold.

I was thankful for Nancy and the way she walked with me the past twenty months. Her grace in the midst of difficulty and pain has been amazing. I am humbled by the reality that she chooses to continue to journey with me.

As I read there were moments of amazement as it was abundantly clear that God was using cancer to help me grow and mature as a person and a spiritual being. Part of our vision statement at First Baptist includes the words, “Empowering people to grow into mature followers of Jesus.” There is no doubt I did some maturing and growing over the past year and a half. (there is still a lot to do) God allowed me to see things with a clarity that I would never have seen without fighting cancer. I came to walk with a sense of peace and confidence that affected every piece and part of my life.

In my July 2, 2016 post I talked for the first time about the needs of the caregiver. I spoke about how it is often hard for the caregiver to take care of themselves. Growing out of those early thoughts we now have a Caregivers Support Group that meets at First Baptist. It is a young ministry but it is a good ministry. The group that meets there on the 2^nd and 4^th Tuesday of each month know that they are not alone and that people care for them…the caregivers.

Rollercoaster

Reading through the journey of the past twenty months it is clear we were on one giant rollercoaster ride. On August 18, 2016 I wrote,

People ask me, “When will your treatments end?” The short answer is, “they will not.” The longer, more complete and honest, answer is: “My treatments will continue to keep my Cancer at bay until someone finds a cure for the type of Cancer I have or the treatments are no longer effective and I experience the fullness of what Jesus talks about as ‘Life to the Full’”.

The truth is that is what my oncologist was telling me at that time and it was what I believed to be true about life. Since then I have received an awesome gift! January 9, 2017 was my last chemotherapy treatment. It was decided for me on January 20, 2017 that my body was tired and it was time for a break. This break has lasted almost a whole year! It could last even longer. January 3, 2018 I have labs, followed by a CT scan on the 5^th and then my follow up appointment with Dr. Saroha on the 12^th.

My prayer is that the rollercoaster will continue its upward climb.

This has been a good project for me. It is far from complete yet it is reminding me of lessons learned over the past twenty months. One of the biggest fears I expressed during this journey was that I would lose some of the lessons and insight as things got better for me. I have seen it way too often in the lives of others. In the midst of a crisis we tend to learn truths, make commitments that fade away as life returns to “normal”. Reading through this journal has helped me commit to retaining lessons learned and continuing to move forward.

God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good (btw: this first showed up in my posts on May, 5, 2016)

A Novel

December 22, 2017 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Christmas is an exciting time of the year. One of my favorite things is catching up with friends from “past lives” as cards and letters drift in. This is a totally unfair pleasure on my part as our family is horrible in this department. I would blame my mother but she was a good letter writer and insisted we write to people on a regular basis. I digress.

A few weeks ago we received a card from my first spiritual director. Scott helped me wrestle with issues of faith and over the years our paths have crossed a number of times. I had the pleasure of being in a small group he facilitated. Our conversations were always rich and I walked away a better person from time spent with him. It was good to hear from him. I sat down and mustered up my letter writing skills and sent off a quick note. A few days later my phone “dinged” and there was an email from Scott. In the email he talked of my blog and then wrote these words, “Have you given thought to publishing your “stuff”? even just as a self publisher for family posterity?”

The truth is I had thought about it. There had been fleeting thoughts but nothing that amounted to anything. His “nudge” was enough to get me looking at it. I spent my spare time over the last week moving posts from my blog into a word document. Turns out there were 88 posts written from May 2016 till today about my journey. Thanks to the word count feature in Microsoft Word I can tell you that amounts to 85,247 words. To be fair, I can not take credit for all those words, Nancy did put together some amazing posts.

As I moved posts from one platform to another I spent time re-living the experience so far. I have some thoughts but need to think about them some more before I share. One thing is abundantly clear, God’s faithfulness rings out though the entire thing. I was allowed to see just enough for each day. In moments of darkness there was just enough light to help me put one foot in front of the other. God’s mercy was shown me. Yes, in my return to health, but even more in the way I was met in times of darkness and struggle.

I pray I never forget God’s faithfulness. It was not an easy way to learn that lesson but a lesson well worth learning.

Thank you for traveling the journey with me.

God is Good All the Time….All the Time God is Good!

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

December 19, 2017 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

“Why are you here?”

Nancy and I were waiting in the oncologist’s room. Talking about anything but why we were there. My last few reports had been good but there is always this sense of fear each time we head back to meet with the doctor.

We heard the familiar knock on the door and then he entered. There were no words of greeting or welcome. The first words out of his mouth as he entered the room, “Why are you here?”

All the reports look good. Numbers are fantastic. “I do not need to see you for three months.” It is safe to relax and breathe again. Make a few plans, schedule a few appointments and head out the door.

Anniversary

I have been blessed beyond all expectations! I am nearing one year without any chemo treatments. January 9, 2017 was my last chemo treatment. When this journey began in May of 2016 my oncologist suggested the most positive expectation I should have regarding life expectancy was two years. Nobody is promised tomorrow, or even this afternoon, but it does appear that I will be shattering their projections.

The fact that I have been blessed beyond all expectations humbles me…and troubles me. [Read more…]