Monday was a big day.  I went to the gym and met with a trainer who helped me think through how to work out in my weakened state.  I am not going to break any records or end up being one of those body builder types but I do hope to gain a little strength and stamina.  We worked together for half an hour and by the end I was ready to head for home.

I had one of those interesting interactions in the parking lot.  On my way out there was a young mother who was carrying a very upset young boy, maybe 3 or 4 years old.  He was screaming and yelling and in general making a scene.  She kept talking in quiet, measured tones, “when you can behave we will go swimming…not today, we will try again tomorrow.”  Everything she said was met with a pretty impressive temper tantrum.  I was across the parking lot, getting in my car when she apologized for the noise and disturbance.  I laughed and walked across the lane to talk with her and said, “No need to apologize.  You are simply being a good mother.  Keep doing what you are doing.  It is hard today but he will learn and when he is sixteen or seventeen he will be a very mature and well behaved child.”  She stopped and just looked at me for a moment…then said, “thank you… this is so hard.”  Again I laughed a little, the kind of laugh that says I know, I have been there…but it will get better.  I spoke a few more words…”Yes it is, but you know it is right.  You are the parent…be the parent.  You are helping him learn about consequences for bad behavior…better he learns that now than when he is older.  Keep doing what you know to be right…it will work out in the end.”  She smiled, said thank you and turned her attention back to a very unhappy, yet growing and learning young boy.  He is going to be the kind of young man who will be able to help us wrestle with some of our countries deeper issues some day…all because his mom would not let him go swimming one summer day because he could not behave.  We need more moms and dads and a wider community to help raise up the next generation of leaders.

Joseph and I spent the rest of the day working around the house.  We took a load of brush to the dump and prepared a second load to take away later in the week.  We spent time power washing the deck so we can put a fresh coat of paint on it sometime later this week.  Finally we worked on some of the drainage issues surrounding the house.  It was a good day and I was glad to have Joseph around to do most of the heavy lifting.  To celebrate our work we decided we would go out for dinner.

On another note…I have been thinking about the chaos and turmoil in our country these days.  I have a thought, take it for what it is worth.  It seems to me that one of our biggest problems is that we do not know how to talk to one another.  We are great at talking AT each other…not so good at talking To, or WITH each other.  How did we get here?  When did we stop communicating and begin thinking that simply because we are talking AT someone we are having a conversation?   [Read more…]

Many people will confess they have a favorite Psalm.  A piece of scripture that seems to capture their heart and speak for them when the words simply do not come.  The truth is that we may have many “favorites” as God uses a different piece of His word to meet us in different seasons of our lives.

Psalm 42 has been one of those special pieces of scripture for me.  It is one many of us are familiar with, at least the first few verses.  There was a season when “As the Deer” was a very popular praise and worship song.  It was sung in many a church, small group, youth group and people loved the uplifting and hopeful words it offered.  It is not unusual to find a nice peaceful picture of a deer standing in a beautiful green field beside a slowly flowing stream with the first few words from the Psalm somewhere on the picture.

These are nice, peaceful, comforting images and yet they betray the heart of the Psalmist.  Take a moment and read all of Psalm 42.  Listen to the Psalmist’s heart, hear their cry as they pour out their soul to God.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

“My tears have been my food, day and night”  “I pour out my soul”  “Why must I go about mourning?”  It is not all beautiful deer and gentle streams flowing through lush green valleys.  The Psalmist captures the reality of walking with Jesus in the midst of a world that is filled with pain, hurt and turmoil.  They let us know that it is not all roses and easy…and yet, “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

I have been drawn to this Psalm for years.  There is a sense of honesty and reality about it that I love.  In the middle of the Psalm there are four words which have captivated my spirit, “Deep calls to Deep”.  As I read those words one day it struck me that what the Psalmist was talking about was the Depth of God calling out to the depth of individual people…just as the depth of people call out to the Depth of God.  “Deep calls to Deep”.  The more I thought about it and meditated on it the more I “fell in love” with those words.  The deep parts of who I am, my inner soul crying out to God and the God of grace, power and mercy speaking back to me.  A relationship.  A conversation.  An opportunity to share the inner most parts of who I am with my creator (not that he did not know them already) and for me to hear from Him how He saw me, and to seek to understand His plans for my life.  “Deep calls to Deep”.  In the midst of the struggle I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God because he hears the cry from the depth of my soul and shares with me the depth of His heart. [Read more…]

So the lessons keep coming.  As I got ready to leave Roatan on Saturday morning I had it all planned out.  Fly into Miami, get through customs, board the plane to Philly and be in church for Sunday morning.  Pretty simple, pretty easy, and looking at the tickets in my hand it was all going to work out perfectly.

Ronny’s phone went off about 10 minutes before we left the condo.  “Hey Dan, your flight has been delayed by an hour.”  Not the best news…but we still had time to make everything work according to the master plan.  Sitting in the airport at Roatan it was pretty clear the hour delay was a guestimate…not anything firm.

We finally boarded to head off to Miami…this was going to be close…but I was confident we could do this.  Our plane had this really neat, anxiety inducing, feature on it.  There was a 3-D map of your flight which would scroll the current time at your destination, the time till you reached your destination, and the expected time you would reach the destination.  You could literally sit there and watch the minutes fade away as the pilot forgot how to push the throttle and let us get lapped by a bunch of penguins (yes, I am aware penguins do not fly…my point exactly).  As we approached Miami we were going to be landing within minutes of the time our next flight would start boarding…this was going to be tight…but we could do it…I was optimistic.

“Hello, this is your captain speaking.  There appears to be a slight backup here in Miami, so we are going to hang out here for a little while as the traffic clears out, then we will land.”  I sat and watched the 3-D screen as the plane did circles out over the ocean.  We finally landed.  Rushed like crazy through the airport.  Were directed to multiple customs lines.  I was beginning to have compassion for cows, if this is what it feels like to be herded everywhere you go I am not a fan and stand united with our bovine friends.  Ultimately we missed our flight.  Could not get another till Sunday morning.  Spent a night in a great hotel.  Paid $15 for a bowl of mac and cheese…who knew.  Sunday morning we were up and at the airport early and made our way home.  Things were back the way they should be.

This morning I allowed myself to sleep in a little.  I got up and went to the office, all set and ready to go.  I had a list of things to do.  The Administrative Assistant said, “Would you like a list of all the things I need from you today?”  Monica is awesome…she is on top of things the way I need her to be…my day just got busier.  I sat down in my chair, turned on my computer…NO INTERNET!  My calendar, planning, everything is out in the cloud somewhere…useless to me at this point.  After fighting for 30 minutes to get logged on it was time to talk to Verizon.  Call the manager…the two of us frustrated (he with me for not being happy with his service and product) (me because I would be better off with a pen and paper despite all their adds to the contrary).  Half and hour later I say goodbye to the manager and am calling another number.  It is at this point I remember that just 48 hours ago I was on Roatan…can I go back?  Finally a voice on the other end of the phone…we do a couple useless, meaningless things to prove we have issues.  (It took me 45 minutes to log onto facebook today!)  In the middle of one of the tests the internet drops out as it is accustomed to do these days…”Huh, well I guess we better get a tech out there.”  Using all my power I resist the urges that are welling up inside me at this point.  All the sarcastic, less than uplifting comments are censored (or at least not uttered) and we set up the appointment.

Sitting in my office which is devoid of internet…which means I cannot print to the copy machine…I wonder why I am there…maybe I should go back to Roatan.  Then I remember the lesson…peace, quiet, rest in the midst of chaos…“Oh well, it will happen when it happens.”  I get up from my chair…walk into the daycare and there is a table of young kids having snack.  I pull up a chair and we “talk” for a few minutes over graham crackers and juice.  One boy lets out a laugh that makes you smile no matter what is going on.  After a few minutes it is time to return to the office.

Walking down the hallway I can’t help but ask myself, “Where would Jesus have been all day?”  My sense is that he would have forgotten about Verizon and their intermittent internet service and sat with those young kids, teaching them about his Father and how to love God with all their heart mind, soul and strength and to love their graham cracker stealing neighbor as themselves.

Abba Father, help me see you in the midst of every day, every moment, every interaction…even those with the Verizon representatives.

I first stepped foot on this Island close to 30 years ago.  A lot has changed, here on the island and in my life.  Each time I return God teaches me something new and different about myself.  It was the first time I was here that I first heard God calling me into full-time ministry.  Sitting on a bench in Coxen Hole, across from the Baptist Church, God spoke so clearly there was no room for doubt…a call had been placed upon my life.  Since then the call has evolved, changed and grown to be more than I originally imagined but walking with God has remained central to the mission and vision of my life.

Over the past five years I have been blessed to return to this place many times.  Each time I have come there has been a focus, a goal, a project if you will that has been the focus of my time.  Maybe a sports camp, building a water purification system, rehabbing a house, putting a roof on a youth center, working to provide a party for a group of 400 seniors from all over the island who rarely are the center of attention, spending time with the I WAS, I AM feeding program, and so much more.  Whatever the project it does not matter because that is secondary to the relationships that are built, the friendships forged as we simply slow down and “do life together”.

As I was waiting in the customs line last Saturday (on my 47th birthday) I looked into the airport and there was a familiar face, smiling, waving, welcoming me back to his island.  As soon as Rayann, Julia, Emily and I made it through the line and out into the lobby Pablo was there to greet us.  “Hello Rayann, Hello Mr. Dan” and even though we had not seen each other for over a year it was like friends who see each other every day.

Over the past few days I learned, yet again, what it means to slow down…to have a plan and allow it to change 5 or 6 times in 10 minutes and watch everything fall into place.  There is no doubt that experiences like these stretch me, they cause me to be at peace with chaos and to be able to sit back and say, “oh well, it will happen when it happens.” There is no doubt it causes me anxiety…I  mean, let’s be clear here, I have my sermon series outlined and planned for the next twelve months.  I believe excel is a gift from God and ought to be used wisely a whole lot more than it is (if you are asking, “what is excel?” I can / will provide counseling)  Having a plan and working that plan through to completion is powerful…it is the way God has wired me to think and I try to leverage that to build the Kingdom of God.  Yet these times where plans almost seem non-existent, or when you have a detailed plan that has to be “abandoned” ten minutes into the day because of unforseen circumstances are stretching times, times that cause me to trust in the God of all plans.  I have learned that if I can simply relax and “go with the flow” there will be some amazing times of meeting men and women of God, people who are the hands and feet of Jesus.

Abba Father, help me to relax and walk with you through the different experiences you have for me here in Roatan or back at home.

I have not been myself the second half of last week.  I have had to force myself to engage in projects and activities I normally love and jump right into.  There has been a heaviness that has been about me everywhere I walked.  It felt like every smile, conversation was forced and just drained the life right out of me.  I felt like Eeyore (of Winnie the Pooh fame) everywhere I went there was this cloud that hung over me.

Sitting at home in my study  this morning I was delaying going to church because I was not sure I wanted to go through a morning of smiles and pleasantness.  I was not sure I had it in me.  As I got all the last minute things ready I was taking a mental inventory, asking why I was feeling this way.  The feelings were not all new…I often feel the same heaviness as we walk through Holy Week.  Remembering the suffering and death of Christ evokes this spirit of loss and sadness that I have learned to embrace rather than push aside.  Walking with, and through, the heaviness has led to times of great celebration and joy…so the feelings were not new…but why now?  I felt a wave of understanding (almost relief) wash over me when I realized how I had allowed the evil that took place in Charleston, SC to cloud and impact my week.  As the hate, pain and shame of one person’s life was unleashed upon a group of people gathered for bible study and prayer we saw evil personified.  If we were to use the analogy of a boxing match evil landed an upper cut to the jaw of love and grace with love and grace heading straight to the mat, dazed and confused.  I have allowed, given permission for that evil to color my world this week.  Abba Father forgive me.

Sitting here in my study before worship this morning I am reminded of how the men and women of Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church have showed us what it means to live with love and grace even in the midst of hate, pain and loss.  I thought through even the earliest words you heard spoken by the survivors of the shooting, family members and members of the congregation.  While the police and authorities were talking about justice and making sure someone was going to be held accountable for what happened…the words from within the congregation were words of love, grace and forgiveness.  Their lives will forever be changed by what happened.  Families have been forever torn apart.  Worship and church fellowship will never quite be the same, they will find it hard to welcome a first time visitor without suspicion ever again…and yet those strong words of forgiveness and grace.  Abba Father grant them strength and healing as they continue the journey forward.

I was reminded of the court hearing where family members were given the opportunity to speak regarding their loss. They could speak directly to the one who had betrayed their hospitality by unleashing such violence upon their loved ones.  They had an opportunity to stand up and tell him what they felt and “give him a piece of their mind.”  As the judge called the names of those whose lives were taken a family spokesperson stood and began to speak.  There were words of anger, pain, hurt, loss, and grief.  Some questioned why.  A question many of us have wrestled with over the past few days.  Then there, amidst all the things you expected to hear came the glimmer of grace and love.  It began slowly…built stronger until it was the main theme of what was being spoken to the boy/man standing motionless, head bowed, his image upon the screen in the courtroom.

“I forgive you, my family forgives you,” said Anthony Thompson, whose relative Myra Thompson was killed. “We would like you to take this opportunity to repent. … Do that and you’ll be better off than you are right now.”

“Although my grandfather and the other victims died at the hands of hate, this is proof — everyone’s plea for your soul is proof they lived in love and their legacies will live in love, so hate won’t win,” she said. “And I just want to thank the court for making sure that hate doesn’t win.”

“We welcomed you Wednesday night in our Bible study with open arms. You have killed some of the most beautifulest people that I know. Every fiber in my body hurts … and I’ll never be the same,” Sanders told Roof.  “Tywanza was my hero,” Sanders added, but then even she showed some kindness to the man accused of killing her son: “As we said in Bible Study, we enjoyed you but may God have mercy on you.”

“For me, I’m a work in progress and I acknowledge that I’m very angry,” said Bethane Middleton-Brown, who appeared in court on behalf of her sister, the Rev. DePayne Middleton Doctor. “We have no room for hate. We have to forgive. I pray God on your soul. And I also thank God I won’t be around when your judgment day comes with him.”

Love, Grace and Forgiveness were up off the mat, they had found their legs and were fighting back against the evil and darkness that confronted them.  Fighting back as only they can, boldly declaring, “hate will not win.”

I find it amazing how it so easy for the circumstances of life to dictate how we feel.  Our joy depends on how good things seem to be going (read, is everything working out the way I want it to).  Our sense of peace is intact as long as there is no conflict or turmoil within our lives.  We feel good about life just as long as darkness is at bay, or at least not being unleashed upon my little piece of the world.  When our plans start to stutter or fail, as turmoil and anxiety begin to rise, if evil rears its ugly head…our confidence and joy are often quick to fly away.  Abba Father, Grant me a growing and ever deepening confidence and strength in you so that I may have a sense of peace and joy no matter what life may send my way.

I went to church this morning.  It was a great time of fellowship and worship.  We sang a song which spoke deeply to me.  The first verse goes like this.

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek

You are my all in all

Seeking you as a precious jewel

Lord to give up I’d be a fool

You are my all in all

Abba Father, May I learn more and more to live out of the truth found within this simple chorus.  May I rely upon your strength, may I seek you first and foremost.  Abba Father, help me never to give up…even when it appears darkness and evil have surrounded and covered me.