HOW DO I FEEL?

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If you know Nancy you know she is a writer.  She has written some amazing poems and has had some articles published in ministry based magazines over the years.  Each time she writes she opens her heart and shares life experiences and how God is meeting her in the midst of life.  It came as no surprise when she sent me an email this evening.  The subject line was, “something I wrote”.  Well, it is way  more than just “something she wrote.”  It captures the roller coaster of emotions that she, and others who journey with those with cancer feel.  I know her to be a strong woman of faith.  I know she is praying for and believing in great things for the future…but there is no denying the future is different than it was a few short days ago.

I asked if I could share her words with you here.  She graciously agreed.

Btw: the picture was taken today on our deck.

“SOMETHING I WROTE”

People have asked how I feel.  It has been 19 days since my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  19 days since the oncologist sat with us in the hospital and explained the realities of Dan’s cancer.

How do I feel? My heart has been breaking.

Next week we will have our 26^th anniversary.  I told Dan years ago I wanted to make it to our 65^th.  That is probably no longer a reality.  My heart is breaking.

When the doctor left the hospital room, Dan’s mind immediately went to what his cancer would mean to me and our children.  A tear would stream down his face each time.  My heart would break with each tear.

Pain has taken a new place in Dan’s life.  He has struggled with his breathing.  He cannot do what he enjoys or what simply needs to be done.  I have been driving us around, which does not normally happen.  I have been going to doctor appointments to ask questions for him, which he does not normally need.  For him, my heart breaks.

Do I have faith during this struggle? I do.  But that does not keep me from feeling sad.  People have told me that God will heal and I need to stop worrying about it.  I’m not exactly worrying about it.  I am watching my husband suffer and my heart is breaking.

I believe within my heartache I am still trusting God.  I do have a peace that God is in control.  Jesus, while on earth, showed sadness at times.  God knows the plans he has for me, but my heart is still broken.

God will mend my heart.  So many people are praying for Dan.  God may bring a miracle into his life and wipe away the cancer.  Chemotherapy may do what the doctor said was not possible and bring a complete cure.  God can restore Dan’s health and mend my broken heart.

What people don’t want to hear is that I have to come to grips with the reality of cancer.  For the sake of myself and my children and even for Dan, I need to be aware of what could happen.  And if it does, God will protect us and provide for us and somehow we will survive.  God will somehow mend my broken heart but still, it will be very, very broken.

My trust in God will see me through this chapter in my life.  19 days after the diagnosis my focus is more on daily life and less on possibilities.  It is more on our blessings and less on what may be.  I am more able to enjoy each day and store more memories in my heart.  Healing is already taking place.

How am I doing?  As Dan has been saying: God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.