WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

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I was lying in my hospital bed Thursday morning when one of my doctors stopped by. She has a knack for stopping by when I have my headphones on and am drifting in and out of sleep. She gently touched my arm, brought me back into reality and apologized for interrupting my quiet time. She then asked, “So what music do you listen to?” She knows I am a pastor and I am sure she was expecting something different than my answer. I shared with her how U2 has been my go to group during this journey and how I find their pursuit of the sacred in their music fascinating. For the next ten minutes my doctor and I talked U2 and spirituality. It was if I did not even have cancer and we were just two friends talking about life. It was fun. That all came to an end and we went back to talking about my health and what I needed to do to stay healthy and what our next steps were going to be. She ended our time together by saying, “I have to go home and listen a little closer to some of U2’s lyrics.” I laughed and said, “It will give us something to talk about next time.

This hospital stay I found myself drawn to the song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

I remember when this song was first released as part of the Joshua Tree album. There were some who used it’s title and deep yearning for something deeper and more to question the faith and spirituality of those who were singing it. Those who raised such questions reasoned, “If they truly had faith in God…in Christ…they would have found all they need and would not need to find anything else.” There were articles written, words spoken, commentary offered that questioned the faith of those in the band based upon the simple title of the song.

I could offer thoughts on those critiques. My thoughts would be neither uplifting nor grace filled. I have learned, or am learning, that I do not need to speak into every situation. I was taught, “if you have nothing nice to say…be still”…so I will be still.

What I will do is share what I have come to hear within the lyrics of this song. Recognizing that we all hear songs differently…I offer you what this song has come to mean to me.

I hear the lament of the writer of Ecclesiastes. “Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” [Ecclesiastes 1:2] I have searched, I have climbed, I have run, I have scaled, I have crawled, I have kissed, I have spoke, I have held…all in pursuit of something I know exists yet feels just out of reach. In Ecclesiastes the writer declares wisdom, pleasure, toil (work), riches all meaningless. That may sound harsh at first…but hear their wisdom. The pursuit of any of those things alone does not bring about fulfillment in life. Reality is that you end up on this hampster wheel believing “if only I had a little more…then I would be happy.” Meaningless. The author of Ecclesiastes points out that there is a common destiny for all people. The wise & the fool, the rich & those who live in poverty, those who work extra hard and those who labor not a day in their lives. Nothing changes the reality that we will all deal with death some day. Meaningless…those things which we seem to place such importance upon. I hear that cry, that lament through parts of this song.

I also hear the hearts cry for something more, something deeper when it comes to a relationship with God. Some settle for this idea that “if I believe the right things, say the correct prayer” God and I will be okay and I can go on with life as I know it. Forgive me, but I do not want that. I want what the Psalmist talks about in Psalm 42, “Deep calls to deep”. The depth of God calling out to the depth of who I am. The depths of who I am calling out to the deepest parts of God. I do not want this shallow faith that puts on a pretty face for Sunday and then allows me to live different the rest of the week. No, I want to encounter the living, transforming, live changing God each and every moment of every day. Bono sings, “You broke the bonds, And you loosed the chains, Carried the cross of my shame, Oh my shame, you know I believe it.” Amen, Abba Father I know it to be true. You have set me free…now help me to live as someone set free! This side of heaven it will never be fully reached nor accomplished…but it does not mean I cannot spend every moment of every day God gives me upon this earth pursuing it! No, I still have not found what I am looking for…I have seen glimpses, which has only made me want it more. I hear that hearts cry for a deep and abiding relationship with God that does not settle for anything less.

I hear one last cry within this song. Its voice reaches up from the prophet Isaiah and is spoken clearly by Jesus in Luke 4. Jesus has gathered at the temple to teach. They handed him a scroll which he opened and read,

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoner and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4:18-19)

Having completed the reading he returned the scroll, sat down, and with all eyes upon him awaiting his teaching Jesus said, “Today this scripture is fulfilled within your hearing.” Jaws drop, heads shake, eyes roll. Who does this guy think he is? With those simple words Jesus ushers in the Kingdom of God, nothing will ever be same again. Every Sunday in churches all around the globe men and women of faith gather together and pray, “Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will be Done on Earth as it is in Heaven.” That day as Jesus spoke he declared what the Kingdom of God here on earth was to be about. Caring for the poor, proclaiming freedom for the prisoners, setting the oppressed free, healing for those with illness, to proclaim the year of jubilee! I still haven’t found what I am looking for. I have seen glimpses of communities seeking to live out Kingdom values…but only glimpses. I have not found that place where we cut through all the garbage, set aside personal agendas and simply said, “Thy will be done”. I can lift my voice with Bono and cry out from deep within my heart, “I still have not found what I am looking for.” Again, this side of heaven I probably will not…this does not mean I can/should not pursue it with every fiber of my being.

I’ve shared my thoughts. Now listen to the hearts sing what I am talking about. I think is the most powerful version of the song I have heard. U2 joins with the Voices of Freedom choir and they transform a good song into an anthem of longing and desire. My suspicion is that it is the addition of the gospel voices which help bring forth the power and longing captured in the song. I hope you take seven minutes out of your day and listen to their hearts cry for that something deeper, something more, something bigger, something they know only God can provide.