HOW FAR WE HAVE COME
It was about nine months ago that I first heard the words, “You have Cancer.” We have come a long way since then. I have learned a lot about myself, illness and life. Most recently I have come to understand I am in a season of mourning what was.
I am still amazed at how far we have come from that first conversation with my Oncologist. As he left the hospital room I was left with the impression that he had just told me to go home and get my affairs in order. The treatments have not been easy. There are days I would love to sleep or just sit in a chair all day long. Yet through the struggle we have seen amazing results. My numbers are down and my Oncologist is happy with how things are progressing.
LIFE IS GOOD
Over Christmas and New Years our family got to spend some real quality time together. It was very nice to have just the four of us together. We got to laugh, explore and remember some of the great experiences we have had as a family. Nancy and I spend more time together these days then we have at any time during our marriage. We work together. I am actually her supervisor and I have an organizational chart to prove it. 🙂 When we started down this road of working so closely together we both wondered how well, or how long we would work together. It has turned out to be one the biggest blessings of the past few years. God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good.
Life at First Baptist is very exciting these days. We have adopted some new goals for 2017 that speak of life, hope and future. It is truly a blessing to be able to walk with the people of FBC as we journey together. I am excited to see how God works to redeem this most difficult of situations. There are times I question my ability to lead. In those moments God shows me that what is changing is HOW I lead. My style is changing. People are coming alongside with a desire to help and partner to see good things grow and develop. I am learning that when I start to question my ability I really need to be looking at how my leadership style is evolving to meet the reality of my battle with Cancer. God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good.
A STATE OF MOURNING
Over the past few days I have come to understand I am in a state of mourning. I mourn the loss of the person I once was.
We went to the church basketball game tonight and sat on the sidelines watching as our team played. Last year I would have been out there running, walking, wheezing my way up and down the court. I miss trying to relive my younger days playing basketball. I miss not being able to work all day without taking a nap. I miss fully functioning bowels. I miss talking with Nancy about the future and laughing about being 80 years old together. I miss my independence. I miss being able to work outside in the yard all day on a Saturday AND being able to preach on Sunday. I miss the feeling in my feet and hands. I miss my life before Cancer. That carefree time when we moved through life and did not have to strategize each day based upon my energy levels. There is more. I could go on. Suffice to say I mourn the loss of who I once was.
As I thought about this new understanding of my reality it sure explained a lot. A season of grief, or mourning made sense. I have lost much these past few months.
Mourning is normal. It is a natural part of life. We mourn many things throughout the course of our lifetimes. There are seasons of mourning when we lose someone whom we have loved dearly. Sometimes we are surprised by feelings of loss and mourning when we lose someone who we did not really care for, yet they played a significant role in our lives. We can mourn the loss of pets, jobs, friendships, homes, just about anything that plays an important and meaningful role in our lives. We may be excited about the new beginnings and opportunities of a new job while at the same time wrestling with feelings of loss and mourning over what we are leaving behind. [Read more…]