dnicewonger@gmail.com, Author at Daniel Nicewonger

Peace Eluded Me

November 11, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

My spirit was unsettled when I awoke Monday morning. Worldwide pandemic, cancer, a country in turmoil, plenty of work to do, peace eluded me.

Peace Eluded Me

Laying in bed, my thoughts were filled with all that was left undone.

This first round of chemotherapy left me very weak. The simplest of tasks required intention and extra effort.

My mind raced. Peace eluded me.

Coffee in hand, I turned on the news. I have taken to spending a few minutes with each of the major news outlets. I find it helps me understand the depth and breadth of thought that is stirring within our world. Peace eluded me.

The second cup of coffee in hand, I made my way downstairs to my study. Looking at the days’ agenda and what needed to be accomplished, I was overwhelmed. Peace eluded me.

Be Still

My study is right off our garage. I will often walk into the driveway to clear my head. Coffee in hand, I walked to the top of our driveway.

Standing in the silence of the early morning, my spirit relaxed. All the noise of this crazy world faded away.

Be Still and Know that I am God

Be Still and Know that I am

Be Still and Know

Be Still

Be

I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace.

Standing at peace, my thoughts returned to an experience I had a few weeks ago. [Read more…]

Round One for the Fourth Time

November 2, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 4 Comments

Today we started my first round of systemic chemotherapy, for the fourth time. It felt like returning to familiar patterns.

Cheers

Today we started my first round of systemic chemotherapy, for the fourth time.

I felt like Mr. Peterson as I returned to chemotherapy today. Over the past four years I have had the opportunity to get to know a great many nurses.

Walking in I was greeted with choruses of NORM! or in my case Dan while I made my way to the chair that was to be my home for the next four hours.

One big difference being I never got a beer.

Nurses that recognized me were quick to say hello and come over for a kind greeting. I had not seen most of these nurses for about eight months. We re-connected, talked about family, some of my journey these past months, and then got down to the work at hand.

In short order my nurse for the day had me hooked up to a pump and we started another round of chemotherapy. [Read more…]

The Plans of Man

October 29, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Not long ago, I shared my plans for future treatments. This week has me reflecting on some wisdom from Proverbs; “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

I Like a Plan

I always do better when we have a plan. My spirit relaxes, and I can get about the business of crossing items off a to-do list. It does not matter if we are talking ministry, household project, or my next cancer treatment; having a plan is good.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Plans Disrupted

Friday morning (October 23), I met with Dr. Saroha to draw blood in preparation for my first chemo treatment. We were all set to start on Monday morning.

Later in the day, I got the call. My liver numbers were elevated, chemotherapy was off. Instead, we needed to schedule an ERCP to clean out the stents in my liver. These high numbers are residual effects from the damage caused by the pump I had removed a few days earlier.

New Plan

We scheduled an ERCP for Tuesday, October 27th. A fairly simple, straightforward procedure that should get my liver numbers back where they should be.

Early Tuesday morning, the phone rang. Dr. Attalla was on the line. She had reviewed my images. In her opinion, the ERCP would not do anything to help my situation. The procedure was canceled. She was committed to finding a solution so I could resume chemotherapy but did not have any answers at that time. [Read more…]

Removed

October 21, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

Removed

Friday, October 16^th I underwent surgery to have my hepatic artery infusion pump removed. During the surgery, Nancy was writing.

We stopped using the pump back in March. I experienced some of the rare side effects that do significant damage to your liver. Go figure.

The pump was never going to be used to treat my cancer. It was not very pleasant, required trips to Philadelphia for servicing, and meant I could not have an MRI.

An MRI provides the most precise picture of what is going on inside my liver. Clearer pictures equal better decisions regarding treatment moving forward. It was time for the pump to go.

The surgery was quick. After a few hours in the recovery room, I was on my way home.

My recovery has been relatively simple and straightforward. A few days of rest, and I am feeling much better. I am taking more naps these days. It is a sign that my cancer is growing. Some people say it is a sign I am getting older. While that may be true, I have learned to understand my body pretty well. Lower energy, more naps, something is not quite right in the liver.

I visit Dr. Saroha on Friday. We will make final plans, and then round four of chemotherapy starts on Monday.

That is where I am—enough about me.

During my surgery Nancy spent some time writing. She permitted me to share it with you here.

What is Strength?

What is strength?

My husband has cancer. Life is hard.

People call me strong. I don’t feel strong.

I feel empty.

But conversations with friends and shared stories begin to fill the void.

I lack words.

But then I sit next to him quietly. Together, in silence, we can recharge.

I feel helpless.

But we can rely on the wisdom of the doctors to know how to proceed.

I see darkness ahead.

But then we spend precious time together, and I begin to embrace hope.

I feel torn.

But then I take a breath and do the best I can for all those who need me at this moment.

I grieve loss.

But then I remember that the present is here. We can make the most of now.

I feel frustration.

But then I accept people for who they are and the limitations of their emotions.

I accept truth.

And live with faith in gratitude for the blessings we have had.

I feel empathy.

And share with others going through similar pain.

I give myself.

And approach each day of this journey as one I will not regret.

I feel joy.

And know that our love will not end but morph into an everlasting bond.

I stay here.

And hold his hand and his heart. And am glad that he “can’t do this without me.”

What is strength?

I am not sure. And please stop telling me I have it. But I will keep aiming high.

©Nancy Nicewonger 2020

Not My First Rodeo

October 14, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

This past week words from years ago, words meant to tear me down were transformed. They echoed through the years and brought me strength and encouragement. “This is not my first rodeo” was seared into my vocabulary while working one of my non-ministry jobs.

The Disruption

I happened to be working in the control room when we had a “disruption.” The department I worked in was being held responsible for shutting down the plant. Pressures had swung, valves closed, equipment shut down, a whole section of the plant was silent. The loss would end up being calculated in the hundreds of thousands of dollars’ once it was all over.

During the fallout from the “disruption,” my supervisor’s boss walked into the control room and bellowed, “Can anyone tell me what happened here?”

Fools Rush In

Rather than be still, I was foolish enough to volunteer.

What I had witnessed and what happened did not fit the narrative he was seeking to create. I was dismissed out of hand.

A few minutes later, I invited this man to view more evidence that my theory was correct. He listened for about thirty seconds, then puffed out his chest and shouted, “This is not my first rodeo!” [Read more…]

What to do with that wound?

September 14, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

WHAT TO DO WITH THAT WOUND?

The truth is we are going to get hurt. The source of that pain will change.

It may come from

within ourselves,
others,
institutions,
or simply be the result of difficult life experiences.

Wounds happen.

What we chose to do with our wounds is what shapes and defines us.

Common responses involve:

Exploding with anger or defensiveness,
Exiting a situation – losing a relationship,
Existing, but not engaging – living an unfulfilled life.

What if there was another way?

ENCOUNTER

Encounter healing and be transformed into an instrument of healing for the many people around you who are wounded.

Join me for Tuesday Night Reflections as we explore what it means to ENCOUNTER healing and find transformation and purpose.

Every Tuesday night for the past few months I have been hosting Tuesday Evening Reflections. It is a simple time where a small group meets via Zoom.

I share a brief meditation, people offer comments and ask questions.

We then spend some time thinking about some questions to help grow ourselves spiritually (you can share as much or as little as you want).

Our time together closes by sharing prayer requests and I offer a short prayer.

If you would like to join us send me an email (pastor@ksqfbc.com) and I will make sure you get the zoom meeting information.

Reflection: Good for the Soul

August 31, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

Every now and then something happens that causes us to reflect on life. We find our selves thinking about what it means to truly live.

There is this strange thing that happens in our household every time we sit down for a little escape while watching television or a good movie. We wait to see if cancer will be part of the storyline or how many cancer treatment commercials will appear.

Early on these sightings had a way of undoing us. You sit down for a little escape from reality and there it was, pushed right back in front of you. There were times Nancy would just get up and leave the room.

Four years in and we are doing much better now. It is almost a second laugh line in our viewing experience. We cast knowing glances at each other. Kind of a silent checking in to make sure each other is doing okay while the show continues.

This past week presented another one of those moments for me.

The passing of Chadwick Boseman has caused me to wrestle with my own illness in ways I have not for some time.

I want to express condolences to his family and friends. I pray peace, healing, and wholeness upon them. My heart breaks as I can only imagine what they have endured over the past few years.

I understand it is not all about me. Yet our stories share some common elements:

Diagnosed with colon cancer

Diagnosed in 2016

That has been enough to cause me to reflect on my own journey. I have also been thinking about some of the lessons we can learn from the way Chadwick Boseman traveled his cancer journey.

Every cancer journey is unique:

There is no one, correct way to travel the path. Very early on in my cancer journey, I decided to be very open and transparent about most of what I was experiencing. Mr. Boseman opted to keep his journey very private and quiet. One is not better than the other.

Every cancer patient travels a journey that is unique to them. Expecting them to act, behave, share, feel, respond, the way another cancer patient has is not helpful. The best thing we can do is walk alongside the person as they travel their personal journey. We can find ways to help them travel their journey well, not expecting or forcing them to travel it the way we would (or think we would). [Read more…]