The new numbers that matter are; “monitor 6 – 3”.

NEW ONCOLOGIST SCHEDULE

Today was my last scheduled oncologist appointment for six weeks.

I am not due back to my oncologist until March 17th.  As I said goodbye to the office staff I asked, “What are you going to do without me?”  Since last May I have been in the office at least once a week.  Sometimes it was has been upwards of three times in one week.  As we drove away it was a strange feeling, knowing I would not be back for over a month.

When I do return there will be blood tests to monitor any active Cancer growth and conversations regarding overall health.  In three months we will schedule a scan to check  for any changes within my body.

Next week I do have an appointment scheduled with my surgeon to talk about my appendix.  This should be a very short appointment where we opt to do nothing but monitor for symptoms that would require surgery.  If that appointment goes well I may be doctor free for a few weeks!

“FOUND TIME”

I do not know what I am going to do with all this “found time”.  Better yet, what is Nancy going to do with all her “extra time”?  Nancy has gone with me to every doctors appointment.  She has made sure I was set and comfortable at every chemo treatment.  She has brought me lunch and then helped me get home after every treatment.  I could not have walked this journey without her.

Our lives have adapted to this multiple doctors appointments per week and we have done well.  It will be interesting to adapt, if even for just a short time, to the life we once knew.  It will be fun finding ways to use this “found time” together.

FEELING BETTER

The last part of this week I have slowly started to feel more like myself.  I am regaining strength and hopefully that trend will continue.  My time in the office has been very productive and it is exciting to see how God is working within the community of First Baptist Church.  I am encouraged and hopeful for the time that lies ahead.

God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good

CHEMO FREE

This is week 2 of my break from chemo.  I’ve been more tired and weary the past 2 weeks that I have been the previous months when I was on chemo.  This Tuesday I was called into my oncologist office because they “missed me”.  There is nothing obviously wrong and they are at a loss to figure out why I feel so tired.  I was given a bag of fluids thinking that maybe I had become dehydrated and that was contributing to the way I was feeling.

Today I got to go visit the surgeon put in my port.  While my last scan was very positive in regards to the cancer it did show that my appendix was inflamed.  Yay for me.  They do not believe that this is contributing to my feeling tired but want to watch it in case they need to remove it.  Normally this would be a very simple operation, however with my cancer it could turn into something much more significant.  My surgeon has opted for a wait-and-see course of action.  I get to add him to the list of doctors I see on a regular basis.  It is good that I like all these people.

JESUS CALLING

The other morning I was reading out of my devotional “Jesus calling” by Sarah Young.  It was as if the morning’s reading was written just for me.

I am your strength and shield.  I plan out each day and have it ready for you, long before you arise from bed.  I also provide the strength you need each step of the way.  Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what’s on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with Me.  My power flows freely into you through our open communication.  Refuse to waste energy worrying, and you will have strength to spare.

Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am your shield.  But unlike inanimate armor, I am always alert and active.  My presence watches over you continually, protecting you from both known and unknown dangers.  Entrust yourself to My watch care, which is the best security system available.  I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.

WHEN STORMS RAGE

It is easy for life to become overwhelming.  It is easy to become frustrated with a situation we find ourselves in.  Without thinking we begin to believe and act as if everything depends upon us.  We wonder where we will find the strength for another day.

In those moments it does us well to remember the words of the Psalmist in Psalm 39:7

“O Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in you.”

Remember…God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good!

HOW FAR WE HAVE COME

It was about nine months ago that I first heard the words, “You have Cancer.”  We have come a long way since then.  I have learned a lot about myself, illness and life.  Most recently I have come to understand I am in a season of mourning what was.

I am still amazed at how far we have come from that first conversation with my Oncologist.  As he left the hospital room I was left with the impression that he had just told me to go home and get my affairs in order.  The treatments have not been easy.  There are days I would love to sleep or just sit in a chair all day long.  Yet through the struggle we have seen amazing results.  My numbers are down and my Oncologist is happy with how things are progressing.

LIFE IS GOOD

Over Christmas and New Years our family got to spend some real quality time together.  It was very nice to have just the four of us together.  We got to laugh, explore and remember some of the great experiences we have had as a family.  Nancy and I spend more time together these days then we have at any time during our marriage.  We work together.  I am actually her supervisor and I have an organizational chart to prove it.  🙂  When we started down this road of working so closely together we both wondered how well, or how long we would work together.  It has turned out to be one the biggest blessings of the past few years.  God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good.

Life at First Baptist is very exciting these days.  We have adopted some new goals for 2017 that speak of life, hope and future.  It is truly a blessing to be able to walk with the people of FBC as we journey together.  I am excited to see how God works to redeem this most difficult of situations.  There are times I question my ability to lead.  In those moments God shows me that what is changing is HOW I lead.  My style is changing.  People are coming alongside with a desire to help and partner to see good things grow and develop.  I am learning that when I start to question my ability I really need to be looking at how my leadership style is evolving to meet the reality of my battle with Cancer.  God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good.

A STATE OF MOURNING

Over the past few days I have come to understand I am in a state of mourning.  I mourn the loss of the person I once was.

Last year, pre Cancer diagnosis

We went to the church basketball game tonight and sat on the sidelines watching as our team played.  Last year I would have been out there running, walking, wheezing my way up and down the court.  I miss trying to relive my younger days playing basketball.  I miss not being able to work all day without taking a nap.  I miss fully functioning bowels.  I miss talking with Nancy about the future and laughing about being 80 years old together.  I miss my independence.  I miss being able to work outside in the yard all day on a Saturday AND being able to preach on Sunday.  I miss the feeling in my feet and hands.  I miss my life before Cancer.  That carefree time when we moved through life and did not have to strategize each day based upon my energy levels.  There is more.  I could go on.  Suffice to say I mourn the loss of who I once was.

As I thought about this new understanding of my reality it sure explained a lot.  A season of grief, or mourning made sense.  I have lost much these past few months.

Mourning is normal.  It is a natural part of life.  We mourn many things throughout the course of our lifetimes.  There are seasons of mourning when we lose someone whom we have loved dearly.  Sometimes we are surprised by feelings of loss and mourning when we lose someone who we did not really care for, yet they played a significant role in our lives.  We can mourn the loss of pets, jobs, friendships, homes, just about anything that plays an important and meaningful role in our lives.  We may be excited about the new beginnings and opportunities of a new job while at the same time wrestling with feelings of loss and mourning over what we are leaving behind. [Read more…]