dnicewonger@gmail.com, Author at Daniel Nicewonger

PSALM 40

May 14, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

So what does a pastor type listen to music wise as they sit in the hospital hours upon hours waiting a diagnosis? To ask it another way? What do they listen to as they sit hour upon hour as chemo drugs are pumped into their body praying that God will use the doctors and nurses as instruments of healing?

If you had a chance to look at my I-Pod you would soon realize my musical tastes fall all over the map. As a child of the 80’s I love some of the greatest music ever made…the stuff people are still “sampling” today as they work to create something “fresh”. You will also find some Benedictine Monks chanting and other quiet prayer music that helps me get quiet and still in the midst of chaos. You will also find a mixture of some of the best praise and worship music I have come across over the years…everything from the traditional hymns to native American Indian drums lifting up praise to God.

So what does this pastor type listen to over the past few weeks? Well, I have been drawn back to one of my old favorites and have spent hours listening to the music of U2. I went through all their music on my i-tunes and came up with a playlist with every song that points to God. There are many, one of my favorites is “40” (which our worship team has learned and can play very well these days!). I had “40” playing on a loop for an entire night in the hospital. There was something peaceful about it.

I have watched (via Youtube) U2 lead a stadium with tens of thousands of people in worship as the crowd joins in singing the words of Psalm 40. There is something sacred about the sound of the crowd joining with the band and then continuing after the band has left the stage. There is something universal in the cry of Psalm 40. There is something equally universal in question How Long? How long do I have to sing this song…to wait patiently before you will hear my cry and lift me up out of the pit and set my feet on solid rock?

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the mire and clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long, how long, how long
How long, to sing this song

He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song
How long to sing this song
How long, how long, how long
How long, to sing this song

A few days ago I walked into Best Buy. I was there to buy headphones. As I walked up and down the aisles I was struck by two realities. As people walked past me they were totally unaware of what was going on in my world. They had no clue how upside down it was and what Nancy and I were dealing with. The second thought that hit me was how often I have walked blindly through this world past people who are struggling with issues much greater than mine. There are people all over this world, in each of our communities crying out “How long, how long, how long, how long to sing this song”. They desperately want and need to experience the grace and mercy of God at work in their lives.

Pray for the eyes of Jesus…to see people as he would.

Pray for the hears of Jesus…to hear people as he would.

Pray for the heart of Jesus…so we can move towards them in love…helping people experience peace.

If you are interested…listen to the crowd…there is greater participation than in many of our churches when we gather for worship…

“THE OLD GRAY MARE”

May 13, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

It is funny what you think about. The things you remember and are brought to your mind as you go through seasons of trial and difficulty.

I only had the privilege of knowing my mothers parents. Dot and Joe Entrikin were terrific, God honoring people who lived life in a constant search of a deepening relationship with God. In my house I have my grandfathers chair and his Bible. Wh
en you went to visit them he would always be up before you were…no matter how early you got up. He would be in that chair, Bible open, reading and getting ready for a new day. Now, if truth be told the older he got you might catch him getting a “morning nap” with the Bible open on his lap. Either way it was a life lesson he taught without even speaking one word.

My grandfather had a heart attack one of the times he was visiting our family in NY. He ended up in the hospital in Albany. We all went up to visit him and we were allowed to go visit him one at a time. When it was my turn I went back and there was my grandfather talking to the nurse at his bedside. He was asking her about her relationship with God, asking if she had faith in God. The woman kept telling him to relax and lay still. She would try to put an oxygen mask on him and he would pull it off to keep talking to her. Finally I got involved and told her, “Look, he is clear on what is going to happen should he die here tonight…he is more concerned about you. If you want him to relax you need to answer his questions.” She did and then he relaxed and allowed her to do her job. Pop pulled through that night and lived for quite a time more. Watching him that night I learned what it meant to care more for others than yourself.

My grandmother was a special woman. She was the light of Joe’s world and everything he did was to ensure she was happy and provided for. Dot had sayings, a bunch of sayings. I always found them interesting and they made me laugh. One that she picked up somewhere along the line was, “The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be”. She would make a mistake, forget something which she became prone to do later in life and in a moment of clarity she realized something was not right and would simply laugh and say, “Well Daniel, the old gray mare, she just ain’t what she used to be.” She would laugh again and we would move on with life. It became her way of making light of what was a difficult transition in her life. She was not going to let a declining ability to function and think clearly rob her of the joy of life.

These past few days I have found myself speaking the words of Dot time and time again. Wednesday and Thursday brought on the first effects of chemotherapy treatments. I would sleep, eat, feel ill, sleep, get ready to do something and then realize I needed to rest some more. Yeah, the old gray mare, she just ain’t what she used to be. It made me smile thinking of my grandmother. Thinking of her laugh and the way she approached the struggles of life in her later years.

When my grandmother moved into a nursing home towards the end of her life we would go visit her on a regular basis. The first thing she would do when we showed up was show us a little sheet of paper next to her bed. On that piece of paper she kept a record off all the times she used the bathroom and exactly what she accomplished when she was in there. These “reports” mortified my mother…my brothers and I found them amusing for all the drama they created. At every doctors appointment and every conversation I have with nurses these days they always ask how I doing in the bathroom department. Every time they ask I think of my grandmothers paper by the side of her bed and it brings a smile to my face.

I am thankful for their legacy and for how even now in the midst of this journey God is using them to speak words of strength and comfort and even joy.

THE POWER OF LANGUAGE

May 10, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

My NBA career began and died on a small patch of concrete behind my father’s barn in New Baltimore, NY.

When I was a young child my dad formed and poured a large pad behind the barn and mounted a rim at the exact right height on the side of the barn. The entire neighborhood would c NBALegendLogoLarge ome to play. We would divide up and then play for hours. The older I got that pad became the place I practiced, practiced and practiced…only to discern I lacked a certain quality found in most great ballers…skill.

While lacking that one key quality most junior high and high school coaches found their way my direction. It may have had something to do with the fact that I was 6’ 3” by the time I was in the 7^th grade. Each new coach thought they had found the “key to success” until our first practice and soon realized it would be a victory if they could help me improve my skills even just a little.

Well, fast forward a few years. I accept the call to be the pastor of FBC. Those who are athletic in the congregation look upon their 6’ 5” tall pastor and wonder how they can leverage all that obvious “skill” to help build our athletic program. “Hey pastor…we are going to join a new church basketball league…do you want to play?” I was excited and looking forward to the exercise and the opportunity to spend time with some of the guys from church. What took place at those games was a brutal reminder of why I did not play my senior year of high school. I could barely run up and down the court more than five or six minutes. I was out of breath, wheezing and glad when the coach let me sit on the side and cheer. It did instill within me a burning desire to get in much better shape. I joined a gym and the plan was to be ready for next season. I might be old…but I am not that old!

Last Wednesday as Nancy and I were working through the reality of my cancer diagnosis I looked at her and said, “Well, you want the good news?” “Sure” she said with one of those tones which said, not really but you are going to tell me anyway. “Well, the reason I could not play basketball was not that I am old and out of shape…it was that I have Cancer!” “All I have to do is beat this Cancer and I will be back into my previous B-ball form.” I think it is time to revive that NBA dream which died behind my father’s barn so many years ago. Watch out NBA here I come!

Nancy smiled. We both shared a moment of brevity in the midst of much turmoil and chaos and then continued on our journey to getting answers and developing a plan for treatment. Part of coming up with a plan and having a sense of peace about where we are headed had a lot to do with language. Language is important. Sometimes we don’t communicate well with those we talk to because we, or they, assume to understand the meaning behind our words when in fact we are talking past or beyond each other.

That happened with my oncologist. I like him, like him very much. From our very first meeting, the one where he shared my diagnosis, it was clear Nancy and I were his priority. He took time to listen and answer our questions…not just the ones he “assumed we would have.” During those conversations he used words like “prolong” and “quality of life”. He said, “My goal is to prolong your life, and increase your quality of life.” In the dark of night as I sat in the hospital bed those words came back to me. They are not the words I wanted to hear. In my mind those words were the ones spoken as decisions were being made about calling in hospice care. I am NOT ready for hospice care and if that was where he was headed I needed to find someone else to help treat me.

As we sat in his office last Friday I said we needed to talk about language…I needed to understand why he used words such as “prolong” and “increase quality of life”. I explained what those words brought to my mind and what in my experience they meant. He was sympathetic. He assured me we were talking past each other. As a medical doctor he was not able to honestly say there was a “cure” for my Cancer…so his goal was all about “prolonging life and increasing quality of life.” It would not be fair, or honest for him to speak any other way to Nancy and myself…this “new normal” will be with me the rest of my life. As I listened to him explain his language and why he spoke the way he did I went from being anxious and nervous to feeling supported and empowered. I need a doctor who takes language seriously. One who speaks truth and who is not afraid of using language that can be difficult to hear. I left his office excited about those words which just a few days ago made me nervous. One of his closing statements on language was this. “Today I cannot use the word ‘cure’ for your style of Cancer. Now, every day we are making great strides forward. My job is to prolong your life until the day when I can honestly use the word ‘cure’ and we can treat you that way.” Now that I can get behind!

That simple interaction has had me thinking about the importance of language and how we each bring our own experiences and backgrounds to interpret words spoken to us. How many times have I assumed to understand what someone was speaking when in truth I could not possibly fully grasp their words because we walk such different journeys? Imagine how we could improve the quality of our communication if we took the time to stop, ask questions and truly listen to what each other was saying. It is more difficult than jumping to conclusions, requires us to be honest with ourselves and others…but the opportunities for transformation and growth are amazing. Here is to learning to listen to those whom God has brought into our lives.

Today (Tuesday) was the first day after Chemotherapy. I was tired. I am continuing to to get treatments via a pump until 2:30 pm tomorrow. I rested in the morning, made it into the office later in day and did some small paperwork to help take my mind off of things. I had the chance to talk with many friends and it is always good to be around church when the AA community is making their way in and out of the building…we have built such good relationships.

Tomorrow is quiet day of rest and study at home. Later in the evening we have a special service of worship and prayer that I will attend if I am feeling rested and strong.

I am slowly beginning to work towards a defining my “new normal”.

Thanks for all your prayers.

ONE DOWN … #? TO GO

May 9, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Monday began early…as most my mornings have been this past week. I wake around 5am and move from my bed to the recliner to find a more comfortable way to sleep. By 5:30am I am back to sleep and only slightly awake as Nancy, Rayann and Owen begin their normal morning movements around the house. This morning I was close behind them as I had to be at the oncologists for my first chemotherapy treatment. After the rushed call from the nurses, “Not sure your health insurance has approved everything yet…we may push this off till to tomorrow.” Nancy and I stopped at McDonald’s for what is quickly becoming my new favorite…pancakes and sausage. As soon as we sat down to eat the nurses called again, “Everything is approved…we need you here as soon as you can get here.” Yes, it was going to be one of those days.

We arrived by 10am and was escorted back to some of the greatest nurses I have ever met by 11am. We ran treatment after treatment, anti-nausea medication to just pure saline and then the full strength Chemo drugs all day until a little after 4pm. When we finally walked out I was tired, and yet rested (I had spent a few of those hours asleep). I am carrying a pump with me that is continuing to slowly inject treatment over the next 46 hours. My infusion nurse will come find me (I am contemplating playing a game similar to “Where’s Waldo” and see how long it takes her (or him) to find me or simply give up and go back to the office…Nancy tells me that is not appropriate) and unhook all my tubing and I will be free for close to two weeks.

I spent some of my time today reviewing my “Rule for Life”. A number of years ago I was working with my spiritual director and came up with a “Rule for Life”. My “Rule for Life” is a set of expectations or guidelines that are designed to shape how I approach and live different aspects of my life. The truth is that many of us plan vacations, we plan careers, we even plan trips to the grocery store but day by day, hour by hour life simply happens and we do little to plan how we will live into those moments and how we live in a way that shapes who we will be or become. As men and women of faith it is important for us to think clearly about how we will approach life. One of the things I have learned over the years is that if I have not spent time wrestling with such questions when “life is good” it will be hard to put together a plan in the midst of chaos and turmoil.

As I was reading through my “Rule for Life” there was one part that just jumped off the page and grabbed my attention. It is the first few lines following my personal vision statement. I share it with you here:

Whereas I am called to be a steward of all God has given me…

Whereas one of God’s greatest gifts is life itself…

Whereas God knows best the purpose and plan for my life…

I freely offer all of myself back to God…

“Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me. I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more.”

prayer of St. Ignatius Loyola – 16th century Jesuit

I read and re read that section over and over.

Six days ago I was sitting in a hospital bed waiting to find out what was wrong with me. Today I was undergoing the first of many chemotherapy treatments. Amazing how life can change in under a week.

“Whereas God knows best the purpose and plan for my life…I freely offer all of myself back to God.” The more I read this “Rule for Life” which I put together during May/June 2005 the greater sense of peace came over me in May of 2016.

The storms were raging. My emotions were all over the place. Yet as I read and re read this section of my plan on how live all aspects of life I felt Christ’s promise of “peace that passes all understanding…peace that world can not simply understand.”

A SUPER SUNDAY

May 8, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

One week ago today I was spending my second day in the hospital seeking answers for my shortness of breath and the pain in my side.

This morning I joined the members and friends of First Baptist of Kennett Square for a time of worship and prayer. It was a great day. As a family we wrestled with questions such as why? We fought for the words to say when there really is not much to say that feels right or seems to make anything better. It was good to be together and Nancy, Rayann and I felt loved and supported in a big way. As our focus turned from ourselves to the worship of God it was clear the Spirit of God was in our midst and our spirits were lifted.

When it came time for the sermon I shared some observations and thoughts about the past week and how I had seen God at work in our lives even in the midst of this diagnosis and the journey which lies ahead. We talked about what the future holds for FBC and how the church is not the pastor…the church is a community of people come together to grow in their relationship with God and share of God’s grace with the world around it. It was a good day…not an easy day…but a good day.

During the sermon I shared another one of those “God sightings”, I will share it again here. I had not been at FBC for more than a few months when someone who has come to be a dear friend came into my office. They had all kinds of papers and information about the Penn Medicine system. She said, “You need to find yourself a good doctor. These are the people I use and here is why I think they are so good.” Well, I was busy, had lots of things I wanted to get done and to be honest the last thing on my mind was setting up any doctors. She stayed in my office for about thirty minutes talking about the many values of the Penn Medicine system. I remember thinking, “Why does this matter, I am as healthy as an ox…it does not matter which doctor I go to.” I gave Nancy all the paperwork and told her if she thought it looked good this might be a good place for us to go. Nancy took over, set us up and I did not give it another thought. Well, fast forward close to two years and all of a sudden it matters! All of my doctors are within the same system, my hospital doctors are within the same system. One of the biggest pieces is that I will be able to do all my chemotherapy right here in Kennett Square as part of the Penn Medicine system. I praise God for my friend who took it upon herself to come and help me get focused on what was important and has now become essential. She listened to the prompting of God to go speak to her pastor…in a way that may have seemed like she was “intruding or telling him what to do”.

I wonder how many times God invites us to speak words of direction or advice to the people in our lives but we stop short because we are afraid they may be offended or “not have the time for us”? I wonder how many times I have pushed aside the Spirit’s voice for fear of how I would be received by the one I was invited to speak with?

May we hear clearly the invitation of the Spirit and may we move boldly towards it.

God is Good All the Time; All the Time God is Good

WHERE DO YOU FIND GOD IN THE MIDST OF THIS?

May 6, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

I will not lie. I did not sleep much on Tuesday night. The nurses had been great, I had plenty of pain medication…I was “feeling no (or little) pain” as they say. Yet my emotions were all over the place…it was almost like the longer and darker the night got the more my emotions danced and further afield they roamed. I awoke with fits and starts all night long.

If you know much about me you know I am a planner, a dreamer, a visionary, always thinking about what could be and how God invites us to participate in transformation of this world into the Kingdom of God which Jesus so eloquently describes as “life to the full”. Thursday night had been transformational for me. It had been one of those times God reached down and redeemed tragedy for the greater good…I was excited about where we were headed. I had a plan, a vision, a picture of the future…and it certainly did not include Colon Cancer! My plan A was now shifted to God’s plan [I will call it plan B – but truthfully it will ultimately be the plan that works so much better than anything I could ever have dreamed up]. So there I lay…plan A lay in shreds…trying to figure out what in the world God was doing with plan B.

A while ago I had, actually still have, a friend who would ask this very annoying question of me…he asked it just about every time we got together. “Dan, where do you see God at work in your life?” Lying there in the dark, upset that plan A was now gone…trying to figure out plan B…that question came roaring to the front of my mind. Dan, where do you see God in the midst of all this? In the midst of Colon Cancer! This was not my plan. Yet that was/is not the question. Where in the midst of this journey have you seen God at work? Slowly, very slowly, and sometimes better than others I have begun to ask that question.

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O Dignity, my Dignity, wherefore art thou my Dignity?

May 5, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 9 Comments

Today [Friday, May 5th] started early. I arrived at the hospital so they could put my port in.

I was ushered into a small room, handed a plastic bag for my clothes and told, “take everything off, including your underwear, and use these two gowns to cover yourself.” The nurse then handed me two of her largest gowns. Looking at me, looking at the gowns she then said, “I am sorry. Our larger gowns go wider not longer, you will have do your best with what we have.” The fact that she said it in a sympathetic and caring tone made it all seem okay…until I was completely naked and put on the gowns.

In case you may have forgotten…I am not a short man. These past few days in the hospital have been met with comments like, “sorry you do not fit in our beds”, “I hope you do not fall…not sure I could pick you up”. So there I am emotions all over the place…feeling exposed, nervous, anxious and getting colder by the second as the draft reaches regions usually well covered.

A short while later I met Carol. Carol had come to take me from pre-op to the operating room. My feet hung off the end of the stretcher and I laughed about not wanting to go home with a broken ankle so I was trusting her to not run me into a wall. She laughed and said, “there will be some tight spots…it might be good to put your feet on the end of the stretcher.” Well now…fearing exposure I was not a huge fan of that plan. She could sense my unease and said, “It is my job to make sure you are covered and produced a blanket and restored my dignity, or at least some of it, in short order.

As she wheeled me down the halls and up elevators to the surgical unit I asked, “Carol, how long have you had this job with the hospital?” She laughed one of those healthy belly laughs and said she had been with the hospital for 39 years. She started right out of school as a seamstress, back when the hospital sewed their own bed sheets, gowns and such. After a few years she moved to the laundry and spent years cleaning all the sheets, gowns, towels and such that a hospital uses. Finally she decided it was time to “get out from down there” and she moved into her current role of helping move patients around as needed. When Carol started I was 8 years old. I was attending Ravena Elementary School enjoying life…trying to stay out of trouble. We had less than ten minutes together…her role was not one you would call “essential or important” to a successful day for me, but she certainly made my day.

I saw Carol one last time today. My surgery was over, it had gone well, I had recovered enough to go home. Dignity restored, I was in my street clothes and was about to walk out the door. Carol had someone else on her stretcher. They were heading towards the operating room. I called out, “Carol, thank you for today…have a great rest of the day.” Her reply, “My pleasure, I hope you feel better.” Her smile lit up the whole room…it made me smile.

Here is my thought…nothing earth shattering…but it has sat with me all day long. There are a lot of Carol’s out there in our world. People who work everyday, ordinary, difficult jobs so that we can move through life with ease. Nobody ever gave much thought about young Carol the seamstress who sewed bed sheets or gowns for the hospital. Few thought about an older Carol who worked the laundry to ensure things were sanitary and clean. To many today she is simply the person who gets them down the hall to the “important people” who will do the procedure.

I wonder what and who we miss when we move through life blind to the people around us who are there to serve, care for and make life easier for us all. I wonder how all our lives would be enriched if we took the time to get to see them for who they are and to get to know them as individuals and not just as people to meet our needs.

Today was a good day. My port is in. God allowed me to see Carol for who she is…even in the midst of my own struggle. Nancy was an amazing support today. She always has been but there is something about being needy and vulnerable which allows you to see in a much clearer fashion where your support comes from.

Thank you to everyone who has sent words of support, prayer and encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to hear from you all.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Let me close with an apology.

I am a writer…it helps me process, it takes my mind off of the realities around me and helps me focus on what is truly important in life. I need that these days. My plan is to spend time a few days each week sharing where this journey is taking me and how God is meeting my family in the midst of it. I will post a link to these posts on Facebook…if it gets old…I apologize in advance.