Daniel Nicewonger - Spiritual Formation Catalyst

Master of Chemo?

March 4, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Along with chemo came my craving for tater tots

Tomorrow morning I have the second treatment for this round of chemo. I find myself reflecting on the first treatment.

Master of Chemo

Tuesday after chemo was amazing. Sure, I was hooked up to my pump and had to carry this annoying “man purse” of chemo everywhere I went, but my energy level was through the roof. This was not the chemotherapy I remembered from last round. Maybe these new drugs were going to be easier to tolerate. Could it be I had become the Master of chemo treatments and was going to float through this process? [Read more…]

Competing Voices

February 20, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Denial

The decision to restart chemotherapy was made some weeks ago. We were fine tuning calendars but I knew it was coming. I have not talked too much about it with anyone. Last time I talked about it openly and freely. For some reason I have not felt ready, or willing, to do that yet. Talking about my upcoming treatments felt like an obligation or a burden. Talking about it made it real and I was comfortable living in denial for a few more weeks. Last time we were surprised and the journey began in a matter of days, it caught us off guard. This time we have had weeks to think, plan and prepare. While the planning has been helpful it has also given me way too much time to be “inside my own head.”

Pouting

Sunday was not a great day for me. Church was awesome! We heard from our local Young Moms program. Heard testimony of how partnership between JAM Daycare and Young Moms is working to change lives. Worship was very good, and the sermon was not too bad. It was a great day. Emotionally I was all over the place.

I did not want to start chemo again. I know what the journey ahead will look like. Been there, done that and it is not something I am looking forward to. Right after church I got a phone call from the people who deliver the chemotherapy drugs prior to treatment. They wanted me home ASAP so they could make the delivery. There was paperwork to fill out and instructions to get. I wanted to go out for lunch. Cancer wins, home to wait for a delivery. I was not in a good place emotionally. [Read more…]

Background Noise

February 2, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

Background Noise

The other day I referred to my cancer as “background noise” as I went about the business of living life. A friend had asked how I was doing. There was concern for me, concern for Nancy as we stand ready to enter a new phase of this journey. My answer surprised them, it surprised me.

Throughout life I have come to recognize that I often do some of my best processing or learning on the fly. I will speak my truth in the midst of a conversation and find myself returning to the comment again and again. Over time I come to see that what was spoken “on the fly” revealed something much deeper about who I am or what I was thinking.

The past few days I have found myself returning to this idea that my cancer is nothing more than “background noise.” [Read more…]

Buying Socks

January 29, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 4 Comments

“I’m going to buy socks.”

That was the answer to Dan’s question, “What are you going to do now?” We had just returned from the oncologist with the news that Dan would begin Chemo treatments again due to growth in his tumor. Dan was returning to work for the rest of the afternoon. Not me. I was buying socks.

“Why?” he responded.

“Because I need socks.” After 27 years of marriage, Dan takes my logic in stride. We parted our ways and I headed off to TJ Maxx. Shopping is not always wise during stress, but it was part of my plan. [Read more…]

PEACE

January 27, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Why am I at Peace?

As I shared earlier, my last oncologist appointment was very clinical. It was emotionless. We talked facts. There was a reality to be addressed and options to choose from. The encounter lasted less than half an hour. Looking back I found myself wondering why I responded and acted in such a way. I was almost Spock like. “Yes Jim, the cancer is back. No reason to get emotional. Our options are pretty simple, which one do you want to choose? No reason to let emotions get in the way.” How could it be that I was so peaceful when I was facing another twenty four weeks of chemotherapy?

Questioning my Peace

Thursday morning I was in my office and that question still haunted me. Last time around my world was totally turned upside down. This time it just seemed routine, normal. As I slowly made myself push papers and do the work before me my mind kept returning to the question. What was different? How can you be so peaceful in the face of this? [Read more…]

A PLAN

January 24, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 4 Comments

God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good!

It was not a surprise. When the nurse called to arrange todays appointment she said, “Dr. Saroha wants to review your MRI results and talk treatment options.” Nothing we talked about today took me by surprise. Now we have a plan.

MRI results

My MRI shows a “normal size liver with twenty metastases.” The good news is that back in 2016 when this journey started my liver was “enlarged with innumerable metastases.” We are making progress. The not so good news is that there are signs of active cancer in multiple metastases. One spot in particular has “grown significantly.” Not the best news, not the worst news.

Expectations

Realistically we are right about where my oncologist expected us to be. When he decided it was time for me to take a break from chemo I asked, “How long will this break last?” He told me to expect a break that lasted anywhere from a few weeks to a year. I was blessed with a little more than a full year chemo free. Things are progressing pretty much according to his expectations.

Listening to Dr. Saroha and making plans everything seemed so matter of fact. I remember the last time we were making these plans. There was anxiety, fear, a sense of the world spinning totally out of control. Today it felt calculated, matter of fact, almost emotionless as we were objectively planning the best way to attack this illness alive inside me.

Nancy and I know what to expect. Fridays will mean blood work and an oncologist appointment. The following Monday will mean chemo all morning long. Tuesday and Wednesday of that week I will feel weak and tired. Thursday morning I will begin to feel more like myself. Pace yourself, recover, repeat twelve times. [Read more…]

Silent Tears

January 22, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 5 Comments

My Piece is Done

When I last saw my oncologist he had a plan. I was to get an MRI. He was to talk with a radiologist. We were to meet again in three weeks. My sense was that he thought it would take me a few weeks to get the MRI. Nancy is a pretty good scheduler of my appointments. We left the oncologists on Friday and I was set to have the MRI on Monday. Monday afternoon came and I got my MRI as instructed.

Impatient

A few days after my MRI I started to get impatient. My “work” was done. If Dr. Saroha was ready to meet and discuss the future I saw no reason to wait. I called the office and told the nurse, “If Dr. Saoha is ready I am all set to meet sooner than three weeks.” The next day scheduling called to change my appointment. “Dr. Saroha would like to meet with you to review your MRI and talk treatment options.”

We moved my appointment to this Wednesday afternoon. There is no use waiting.

I still feel good. My energy level is okay. I get tired but nothing like when I was first diagnosed. This appointment will be interesting.

As we have traveled this journey Nancy has taken opportunities to share her piece of the experience. Every now and then I will get an email from her with the subject line “something I wrote”. I have to be in the right frame of mind to read it. I know it will capture the heart of this journey in vivid and real ways. Her latest offering is no different. I share it with you here.

___________________________________________________

[Read more…]

MARKERS

January 14, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

The signs were there. Markers of what was. Easily ignored when viewed alone, but built one upon the other they served as markers that a new season was about to begin.

MARKERS

Walking up the hill to the local coffee shop I was out of breath. This felt familiar. “Stop being paranoid, you are simply overweight.” The truth is I have not really exercised in over a year. My trips to the gym cut short because of the neuropathy. I am at the upper end of my normal weight fluctuation. Any time I have found myself near this weight life has not been easy. It has served as a reminder to change habits and get myself back into shape. Start the diet. 10,000 steps per day is the goal.

CAT Scan is complete. The normally emotionless nurse who administers the test places her hand on my shoulder and says, “You be well now.” There was tenderness and caring in her voice, her touch, in the entire interaction. It caught me off guard. I have talked with Nancy about her. I have shared about how she is all business, kind of robotic as she goes about her job. This was different. “Stop imagining things.” “Maybe her boss has started to help her get better with patient interactions.” [Read more…]

JONAH

January 13, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Growing up as a child I loved the story of Jonah and the “whale”. What young boy did not get excited about the idea of a man swallowed by a “whale” and living to tell the tale. It sounded so exciting and like the kind of adventure you read about in the story books.

As I grew up I learned there were many lessons found within the four short chapters of Jonah. Lessons that helped me understand my relationship with God, the way I look at life, and how I move towards others. For the next four weeks we will be exploring the story of Jonah and the big fish.

The book of Jonah deals with core issues such as forgiveness and grace. It helps explore those things which motivate us, those things which move us to action. I hope you can join us for the next few weeks as together we learn some of the lessons found within this great piece of scripture.

Service begins at 11:00, there is a fellowship lunch immediately following worship service.

HABITS SHAPE REALITY

December 30, 2017 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

As we near the close of 2017 and the dawn of a new year I thought I would share something I have re-learned the past few weeks. Habits have a way of shaping us even as we try to shape our habits.

During my twenty months of chemo treatments I struggled to remain focused and energized. I became a strong believer in the importance of naps and learned to pace myself in new ways. Pre-chemo Dan loved to use the time after dinner to read and study. It was my time to catch up on what was important to me. During my chemo treatments I found it very difficult to read. I could not remain focused and would need to read whole sections a couple of times to figure out what an author was saying. At the end of the day I was often exhausted and if I could stay awake in my chair that was a victory. It was not unusual for me to sit down in front of the television and “relax” the night away. Honestly, it was about all I could muster during my treatments.

When we decided to take a break from chemo my focus slowly returned and the effects of “chemo brain” gradually lessened. What did not change was my habit of going to sit in my recliner and watching television for much of the night. I had become comfortable, dare I say addicted. My habit was slowly becoming my reality. Each night I would think, “you should go to your study and read.” Each night I would come up with a reason to stay put and watch the night slowly pass me by.

Habits have a way of slowly morphing into something that defines us. This happens when we intentionally start a new good habit in an effort to transform some aspect of our life. It happens subtly and often goes undetected when a bad habit becomes something that shapes and defines our personality or lifestyle. [Read more…]