Daniel Nicewonger - Spiritual Formation Catalyst

CHEMO ROUND #3

June 9, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

So I am learning. Learning what life will be like and learning how my body will react to these drugs that heal and kill all at the same time.

Monday morning I had my treatment. Monday evening I had my bags packed and was ready for another stay in the hospital. My chills and fever were back and I was not feeling well at all. A couple calls to the doctor and we managed to make it through the night at home. Tuesday morning I was back at the doctors and they did blood work and we talked about what was going on. I was feeling much better by then and we are coming to understand that I have a reaction to one of the many drugs I am on. They are super careful and do not like the fever and chills but can find no reason for it other than a reaction to one of the drugs. It sounds like they have it narrowed down and we might adjust the next treatment to find out for sure if what I am experiencing each time is a drug reaction. All in all it is a small price to pay for the opportunity for healing. It will be good to have a better understanding so we do not feel compelled to rush to the hospital whenever my fever breaks their thresholds.

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THE WORDS WE SPEAK

June 8, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

This is a wonderful and mysterious rock pile or cairn. An ancient structure, many believe these were built by the early Native American Indians and served as a celestial monument. By the 1800's, these lichen covered stone piles were used by sheepherders as guides. Has a Zen-like quality. May be used to illustrate growth, success, guidance, inner peace, personal direction and more.

My experience has been that some of life’s most difficult moments come when we are searching for the “right” or “correct” words to speak to those who are going through a season of great difficulty. It may be a friend or family member who is mourning the loss of a loved one. A coworker or neighbor who has just heard the doctor share a diagnosis that nobody wants to hear. Whatever the situation we feel compelled to say something. When the moment comes there are no words, or what we speak sounds hollow or empty. A couple of experiences like that and we become experts at avoiding situations where we might have to speak to someone who is grieving or going through a difficult time. We see them across the room and head out the side door…simply to avoid what we see as an awkward conversation. It is human. It is reality. We are not alone as we have those feelings…yet for the sake of those who are struggling we must learn how to speak words of health, healing and hope.

I remember my first conversation with my brother after my diagnosis. Kevin had been in a car accident, a very serious one, a few years ago. It is a miracle that I can talk to him today. During our talk he said, “Dan, people are going to say some of the dumbest things to you as you walk through this.” I thought it an odd statement. He continued, “People are not going to know what to say and they are going to say things that do not respect the reality and truth of what you are going through and some of their words are going to ring very hollow and empty.” “You are just going to have to smile and go with it.” I thought it was an odd piece of our conversation but his words have rung true.

I do not believe any words spoken are meant to be hurtful or harmful. I do believe it is people who care for me, at different levels, coping with and dealing with the reality of my Cancer in their own way. If you treat it in a casual, “Hey, no big deal, you will walk through this and get better” kind of way you do not have to deal with the very real truth that (unless God does something miraculous…which I pray for daily, and I believe He can do) there is no cure for the Cancer within my body. We will, in the words of my doctor, “prolong and have quality of life”…but ultimately this Cancer is going to win. Treat it in a casual way and we do not have to deal with that reality.

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WHAT DOES FAITH LOOK LIKE?

June 4, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Friday was a good day.

Dan and Bill Miller walking the Survivors lap at relay for life

Friday began with a trip to the oncologist. They seemed encouraged by my progress. My blood work was good, not great. I got the “green light” to go ahead with chemo (round 3) on Monday. They opted to add a shot to this round that will help increase my white blood cell count. I continue to like my oncologist and the team that is there caring for me. Nancy and I left encouraged by the progress and the way the team seems to know who I am and the quality of relationships and care we are developing in such a short time frame.

On the way back to the office we stopped and bought a cake. JAM daycare had received their scores from the Environmental Rating Scale and they had scored a 5.56! It means that JAM will progress to a STARS 3 center and within six months will become a STARS 4 center! Moving up to STARS 4 has been our goal for the past two years and the staff did such a great job that we are jumping over level 3 and going right to level 4. That rating reflects the quality care at the center and opens opportunities for even greater improvement. We had fun celebrating with the staff once we made it back to church.

Later in the afternoon Mark Chandler came by and we completed paperwork so he could officially become our new custodian. Mark has been filling in the past week and has done an outstanding job and we are excited to welcome him on staff at FBC! His work ethic and commitment to making sure things are done correctly and well is much appreciated and will serve the FBC community well. Welcome aboard Mark!

I had one of those sacred and special conversations today. Someone came into my office and as we talked they shared, “I do not know how to talk to you anymore…I do not want to ignore your cancer…but at the same time that does not define you so I do not want to talk only of your cancer…I just do not know how to talk with you anymore.” I appreciated their honesty. It is something I have felt with others and in all honesty have felt myself these past few weeks. To talk only of my cancer feels like I am letting it define me, yet to ignore it feels as if I am not paying attention to the elephant that is charging and crashing its way around the room. We had a great conversation. We talked of life, death, and how to experience “life to the full” in the midst of chaos and turmoil. Our time together was encouraging, challenging and left me encouraged. I could share more…but our conversation was sacred and special. It began with honesty and openness, there may be a lesson in there somewhere.

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COMMUNITY

June 2, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Our Original Community on Retreat “Back in the Day”

What does Christian Community look like? Well, one of the most vibrant, real, honest and growth producing communities I have ever been a part of looks something like this. When I was serving as a pastor in MA there was a small group of pastors who made the decision to get together once a month for the sole purpose of talking about our personal spiritual lives. You may be thinking…isn’t that what pastors do all the time? Honestly it is one of the hardest things pastors ever do. Ask them about their church…they talk for hours. Ask a question about the new program, ministry plan or church growth initiative and they are off to the races. Ask about the latest book they have read and you better be ready to sit and listen for a while. Ask, “How have you experienced the presence of God in your life the past month?” or “How are you personally doing as you seek to grow in your relationship with God?” Well, the room can grow very quiet…very quickly.

This group of guys along with a few others made a very conscious decision to set aside one afternoon each month to get together for the sole purpose of building community and asking, “How are you doing in your pursuit of deeper, growing relationship with God?” There were times of laughter, tears, argument, questioning and above all there was honesty…a brutal honesty that made our time together special. We hired Kit to serve as our spiritual director to help guide our times. His work was not easy. Providing spiritual direction to a bunch of pastors is a lot like herding cats. He never gave up on us and in the end helped us grow in our relationship with God and each other.

Willard, Dan, George and Tom in Kennett Square this week.

When these guys found out I had Cancer their question to Nancy was, “When can we come visit?” They drove down from MA. We had a special time Wednesday afternoon, catching up on life. It had been over eight years since we last sat down together but it was like all those years did not exist. Our time together felt as if we had met each month for the past eight years and had never been separated. There was a time of prayer and these men laid their hands upon me and prayed healing and blessing, strength and peace upon my life. They prayed for my family, for Nancy, Rayann and Joseph. They prayed for First Baptist of Kennett and for wisdom as we walked through this season.

We went out to dinner and we laughed as if I was not sick. We caught up on life. We shared stories from the past…some that probably should not be shared, especially in front of my daughter. 🙂 This morning we gathered for breakfast and once again it was like we had never been apart. It was good to see them.

Willard, Dan, George and Tom in Kennett Square this week.

I was reminded why every place I have gone over the past ten years I have tried to recreate this group. I have failed. There was no way to replace the hole that was left in my life when this community was no longer near me. They are special people. Each one for different reasons. “On paper” we probably do not belong together, we are an odd conglomeration of theology, life experience and ministry focus. Yet when we got together, got out of the way and allowed the Spirit to work and move in our lives God did something amazing and very special.

I will be searching for a “Band of Brothers” like this to walk with till the day Christ calls me home. Thanks for coming to encourage and lift me up. You can do it like nobody else!

PACE YOURSELF

May 31, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

I have had to learn a new way to pace myself this past month. I thought I was pretty good at pacing myself…my “new normal” has helped me see I could do even better. This past weekend I was feeling tired. I would do something small and find myself winded and ready to sit in a chair and nap. This past Saturday one of the channels had a 007 movie marathon. I got excited, something to do to pass time and rest. I did not see one entire movie. I would start out strong and then wake up ten minutes into the next feature. My goal for the day became to see one movie start to finish, I failed. Sitting there wondering why I was unable to stay awake I began to reflect on the past few weeks.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind.

Friday, April 29th I was in the ER with troubling breathing.

Tuesday, May 3rd they told me I had stage IV Colon Cancer.

Thursday, May 5th I was in surgery as they they put my port in so I could receive chemotherapy.

Monday, May 9th was my first chemotherapy treatment.

Monday, May 23rd I got my second round of chemotherapy.

Monday, May 23rd (late at night) I was back in the hospital (either reacting to the chemo or a virus I had been carrying and the chemo made me unable to fight)

Thursday, May 26th I was released from the hospital and told to “behave” and take care of myself.

Looking forward…Monday, June 6th will hopefully be my third round of chemotherapy.

To say that this has been a month is an understatement. [Read more…]

Chemo Round Two

May 28, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

These are the “tater-tots” Nancy brought me in the hospital because for some reason it was all I wanted to eat. She is too good to me.

This has been a tough week. Monday was my chemo day. I did great during the first treatments and was released home with my pump which gives me more chemo for 36 hours. Once home I began to spike a fever, got the chills and was soon shaking. Nancy and I ended up in the emergency room Monday night.

It was a long night and by very early Tuesday morning I was back on 2 West at Chester County Hospital. The entire staff of that floor are amazing! There was all kind of blood work and efforts to figure out what was going on. Two theories still are alive and well. Theory 1: I had some type of virus and when I got chemo it knocked out my ability to fight it which escalated everything to the point of needing time in the hospital. Theory 2: I was reacting to the last piece of my chemo treatment. We will not know which was correct until round 3. If I have a similar reaction we will tend to believe it is drug related and there are steps we can take to eliminate some of those reactions. If I do fine the believe will be I had a virus and it should be a one time deal…as long as I stay healthy. [Read more…]

WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

May 28, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

hqdefault I was lying in my hospital bed Thursday morning when one of my doctors stopped by. She has a knack for stopping by when I have my headphones on and am drifting in and out of sleep. She gently touched my arm, brought me back into reality and apologized for interrupting my quiet time. She then asked, “So what music do you listen to?” She knows I am a pastor and I am sure she was expecting something different than my answer. I shared with her how U2 has been my go to group during this journey and how I find their pursuit of the sacred in their music fascinating. For the next ten minutes my doctor and I talked U2 and spirituality. It was if I did not even have cancer and we were just two friends talking about life. It was fun. That all came to an end and we went back to talking about my health and what I needed to do to stay healthy and what our next steps were going to be. She ended our time together by saying, “I have to go home and listen a little closer to some of U2’s lyrics.” I laughed and said, “It will give us something to talk about next time.

This hospital stay I found myself drawn to the song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

I remember when this song was first released as part of the Joshua Tree album. There were some who used it’s title and deep yearning for something deeper and more to question the faith and spirituality of those who were singing it. Those who raised such questions reasoned, “If they truly had faith in God…in Christ…they would have found all they need and would not need to find anything else.” There were articles written, words spoken, commentary offered that questioned the faith of those in the band based upon the simple title of the song.

I could offer thoughts on those critiques. My thoughts would be neither uplifting nor grace filled. I have learned, or am learning, that I do not need to speak into every situation. I was taught, “if you have nothing nice to say…be still”…so I will be still.

What I will do is share what I have come to hear within the lyrics of this song. Recognizing that we all hear songs differently…I offer you what this song has come to mean to me.

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Youth Sunday & Baptism

May 23, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Today was a great day at First Baptist Church of Kennett Square!

Our youth group led worship and shared a message in a special way. Instead of a sermon there were different monologues where students reflected on what it must have been like to encounter Jesus as they told familiar Bible stories through the eyes of the key characters. It was challenging to listen to their words.

Following their service we had a special baptism service. As baptists we practice “believers baptism by immersion”. This means we baptize people when they are able to make a personal confession of faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. We immerse the individual because it is symbolic of Christ’s death, burial and resurrection. We baptize people, “based upon their confession of faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord” and we baptize them, “in the name of Father, Son & Holy Spirit.” Today was a great day of celebration.

It was a little different. Usually I am right there in the tank with the person being baptized. These days I do not have much strength. I was afraid that while I could lean them back I might not have the strength to bring them back up. It would not have been a good day if I had dropped the person being baptized, or if I had fallen over into the tank with them. So, one of our elders stepped up and into the tank and did the heavy lifting (so to speak) while I stood outside and spoke. It worked great and was the perfect picture of a community coming together to care for each other.

Congratulations to George Plumley! May your spiritual journey continue and may God continue to make himself known to you in sacred and special ways.

MEMORIES

May 23, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

I don’t know how it started. Thinking back I am not sure what it was that triggered the conversation but Nancy and I had a lot of laughs on our way to church today. Rayann had spent the night with a friend so it was just the two of us. We got to talking and remembering our times at summer camp. I was a counselor for a number of years. I loved it. There was a group of boys who came every summer, all summer. Each week they would show up and we would start camp all over again and after the first two weeks they new our routine better than we did. The director, Jerry, came to me and said, “Dan, I am going to give you these older boys…you take them and do special things with them…make their summer memorable, and help them grow in their relationship with God.”

Now what do you do with a bunch of 11 and 12 year old boys who are “bored” with the same old camp program? Well, we had some fun, created adventures that everyone wanted to be a part of but were special to our cabin. It started simple. We would “sneak out” during nap time and use those two hours to build a special camp area deep within the woods. We had all kinds of shelters. Over the weeks of camp we built our own little community deep within the woods. Nobody knew where it was but us. The cook was a friend of mine. We would “sneak” to the back of the kitchen and he would load us up with everything you would need for a campfire feast. The nights we spent in our own little camp were sacred. The conversations around our fire pit were special.

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HOW DO I FEEL?

May 22, 2016 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 7 Comments

If you know Nancy you know she is a writer. She has written some amazing poems and has had some articles published in ministry based magazines over the years. Each time she writes she opens her heart and shares life experiences and how God is meeting her in the midst of life. It came as no surprise when she sent me an email this evening. The subject line was, “something I wrote”. Well, it is way more than just “something she wrote.” It captures the roller coaster of emotions that she, and others who journey with those with cancer feel. I know her to be a strong woman of faith. I know she is praying for and believing in great things for the future…but there is no denying the future is different than it was a few short days ago.

I asked if I could share her words with you here. She graciously agreed.

Btw: the picture was taken today on our deck.

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