Chemo round 9 was on August 29th.  I did fairly well and was quick to bounce back to my “new normal”.

The week before was a little rough.  I found myself dehydrated and that really took a toll on my body.  I was unsteady on my feet and my energy level was extremely low.  When I went in for treatment on the 29th the nurses gave me an extra bag and a half of fluids.  It was amazing how the extra fluids helped me return to this “new normal” I am learning to live with.

I find myself frustrated with the reality that I am about half the man I used to be.  My stamina is very low and I get tired so easy it is often disheartening.  This Sunday we had a luncheon after church.  At the end of the meal I was sitting in my chair thinking about getting up.  I was not debating whether I wanted to get up…I was planning how I would move from my chair to an up right position.  One of the women at the table has walked closely with someone with Cancer.  She was watching what I was doing, just sitting and thinking.  She commented, “He is debating how he will stand up…give him a moment.”  She was 100% correct.  Her past journey allowed her to see what others at the table could not.  I laughed and began the process of standing up.

Saturday afternoon I looked out in my backyard and saw five or six logs that needed to be split for the fireplace.  I boldly went outside, fought my way up to the shed, got the maul and went over to the logs.  Two logs and six swings of the maul later I was done.  I put the maul down and headed for my chair.  The rest will be taken care of later.  A few short months ago I spent an afternoon outside with my maul.  We attacked a large maple tree and split close to forty large pieces of wood before taking a break.  I am not half the man I used to be. [Read more…]

Easter is coming!  We need to remember this reality and it ought to shape the way we live each and every day.

DARKNESS

At my last oncologist appointment we talked about the future.  Dr Saroha and I talked about what he calls “maintenance chemo”.  Nancy and I had the impression that maintenance chemo was going to look very different.  Maybe treatment once a month instead of every two weeks.  I was thinking we would get rid of most of the chemo drugs and use only one or two to keep the Cancer at bay.  Turns out I was wrong.  Maintenance chemo means we will drop one drug and keep my usual once a week treatment schedule.

This past week was probably the hardest week for me emotionally.  I had my heart set on something big changing in early October when I completed my first round of chemo.  It does not sound like that will be reality.  In fact the more I listen and the more this new new reality sinks in it sounds as if some form of chemo will forever be a part of my life.  I will not lie…this was hard for me to deal with.

ST PATRICK CHURCH

One day as I was driving to church I passed the turn to First Baptist and kept going until I came to St. Patrick Church in Kennett Square.  St. Patrick is a wonderful community who leaves their sanctuary open for people to come in and pray during the day.  You may be thinking, “pastor, why don’t you go pray in your own sanctuary?”  Well, the truth is I get distracted.  I see things that need to be fixed.  My mind takes me to events or services that have taken place and I begin to critique them instead of being still and quiet.  In short it is good for me to get somewhere else, somewhere that is not all that familiar to sit and be still. [Read more…]

WORDS OF TRUTH

“Nobody gets what they want”, was the statement Nancy spoke just a few hours ago.

Saturday morning dawned and I awoke feeling more like myself than I have in days.  There was an outside project that had been bugging me for some time.  Today was the day to take a few steps toward completion.  I slowly got myself ready and headed towards the woods, chainsaw in hand…Nancy following close behind.  We spent about thirty minutes outside, it was all I could do.  I would cut, she would move the limbs.  Soon after we started Rayann showed up and began to lend a hand.  We cleared a big part of the project in that short time.  Standing there looking at our work I thought it best to head in before it got to hot or I foolishly tried to complete the whole thing in one day.  Progress, even a small step is encouraging.

Once back inside I laughed at Nancy, “Pathetic, simply pathetic, I am done in by thirty minutes of outside work.”  I still struggle with the fact that those things which I really enjoy are just beyond my reach.  I am learning that I can pace myself and still do what I enjoy, just in much smaller doses.  In the not so distant past we would have been outside all day.  Trimming trees, pulling weeds, completing little projects to make the landscape look just a little better.

Nancy’s response to my lament?  “Nobody gets what they want these days.”  “Your Dad wants to be self sufficient, you want your strength, and I (Nancy) want a nap.”  She made me smile.  There is truth in her words.  Nobody gets what they want. [Read more…]

Chemo Round 8

Monday was chemo round 8 (if you are counting up) 4 (if you are counting down).

This routine that seemed so strange and unusual just a few months ago has somehow become normal and familiar.

Nancy and I talk about what I need to pack for the day.  Rayann drives me to the oncologist’s office and with the usual banter and small talk treatments begin.  A few hours later I am sent home with my “man purse”.  Over the next forty-eight hours I am tethered to my  pump as it slowly gives me the final dose of chemo.  Wednesday morning dawns with great hope and possibility.  My nurse arrives sometime before noon.  She takes my vitals.  As the two of us engage in the normal small talk she unhooks me from the pump and removes the needle from my port, setting me free for another week and a half.  I rest all day Wednesday.  Slowly I begin to regain strength and have the energy to take on the tasks of life.  Thursday morning I am off to the oncologist for my Nulasta shot.  Friday morning is a new day and I begin to feel like myself once again.  It is strange how this pattern has become my “new normal”.  It has become familiar.  It is almost even comfortable. [Read more…]

In the late 1980’s a new craze was unleashed upon popular culture.  Children and adults alike started spending hours pouring over books filled with crowded pictures looking for Waldo.  Waldo was a strange looking man with a unique red and white striped shirt and blue pants.  Waldo was not often easy to find.  You could spend lots of time looking at these crowded pictures and still not locate Waldo.  All of this led to people asking time and time again, “Where’s Waldo?”

WHERE’S DAN?

A couple of you have asked a similar question recently, “Where’s Dan?”  Why haven’t we heard anything from the blog?  Does silence mean things are bad and you are not feeling up to writing?  The truth is that I have been extremely busy the past few days and I have not taken the time to post anything.  I have spent time in the office planning for the fall and beyond.  Last week was filled with meetings talking about life, spirituality, and how we move in the midst of what are sometimes extremely difficult and hard situations.  Last week was a good week.  It was the first time I really felt like myself in a very long time.  I was still very tired at the end of every day.  I often needed a nap in the middle of the day.  I missed a very important time of worship on Wednesday night because my body was screaming at me to stop and be still (I listened and went home when I really wanted to stay and be with those who do such a great job of leading us into the presence of God).  Looking back I think the most exciting thing is that I did not feel like I was held hostage by “chemo brain” this past week.  While I am not sure “chemo brain” is an official and formal medical term it is (in my humble opinion) a very real thing.  Just as my body moves in slower and more deliberate ways my mind has not been as sharp.  Remembering names, appointments, tasks that need to be accomplished have all taken a lot more effort than normal.  Reading, something I used to enjoy, has become a chore.  I have to really focus on what I am reading and there are times I have to read a paragraph two or three times to catch the authors point.  This past week it felt as if “chemo brain” was releasing its grip on my mind.  I am not sure that is reality, it was just how I experienced last week…and for that I praise God and am extremely thankful. [Read more…]

Today we begin counting backwards.  I have slowly been counting up to six treatments.  Now I get to start counting down as we move towards my twelfth and final initial treatment.

There was a discussion in my home last night.  Can I, can dad, can Dan drive himself to and from treatment?  There were two people in my household who were very strong advocates of taking away my freedom and right to drive.  The truth is that if they were the ones sharing this story they would say they were strong advocates of caring for me and looking out for my health and well being.  In the end I saw the care and compassion in their motives.  I allowed Rayann to drive me to treatment this morning.  She is a much more confident and capable driver than she was just a few short months ago.  I enjoyed sitting in the passenger seat, eating my bagel and watching the world go by.

I was relaxing so much that I almost missed the fact that we were no longer headed toward the oncologists.  Rayann has taken me to appointments before.  I had just assumed she knew where she was going.  When I raised an objection and questioned where we were headed she said, “Well, this is the way to the Vets.”  “To the Vets!”  “I am on my way to get chemo and you think it is a good idea to bypass my oncologist and take me to Owen’s doctor?”

We both started laughing and she quickly changed course and got me where I needed to be.

Rayann dropped me at the door and was off to enjoy her day while I went in to my appointment.  As I was checking in I shared my mornings experience with some of the staff in the office.  They got a good laugh and soon it was time for my chemo to begin.  A short while later I realized I forgot my sweatshirt.  I get cold as they give me chemo.  Rayann was kind enough to go get it for me…even though I may be a little “needy” these days.  As she came into the office to drop off my sweater the staff encouraged her to bring me here and NOT to the Vets for future appointments!  That could not have worked any better if I had planned it.

As Rayann came back into the chemo delivery room she was still laughing.  “I can’t believe you told them.”  Life may not be easy right now…but you can still find things to celebrate and smile about.

May I always be able to see the good and smile no matter what the future holds.