Warning: This kind of stuff normally makes its way into my personal journal. The thoughts I wrestle with in private, never allowing to see the light of day.

Redeeming and Transforming

The longer I have struggled with these thoughts the more I have felt led to share them. I am not seeking sympathy. Nor do I need you to speak words of comfort or praise. I share them because I believe it is one way God is working to redeem this journey of mine.  I believe it is important for us to honestly share the entirety of life’s experience with each other. My prayer is that as I share my struggle God may transform it into a source of strength and encouragement for others. At the very least, may we recognize we do not struggle alone.

Blessed but…

With that said, I am blessed…but I am depressed, frustrated, and weary of the struggle. It is a season. Seasons come and go. The writer of Ecclesiastes wrote, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

I believe that to be true. Right now, I am embracing my season of struggle, frustration, and depression. I will not wallow there…but I will not deny it either. [Read more…]

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, and kind words.

I want to begin by expressing how amazingly blessed I am. Nancy is an amazing caregiver. My children care deeply for my well-being, and that means a lot. The church I serve continues to walk well with me and I love the opportunity to serve them and the wider community. The people I get to share life with each day are an encouragement and a blessing!

When I met with my newest oncologist he continued to express how impressed he was with how my body has responded to treatment. At one point he reviewed my scans from 2016 and remarked, “Your liver was filled with cancer!” There was amazement in his voice. My surgeon refers to me as “an outlier.” Dr. Saroha continues to be an encouragement and gently reminds me where we were, and how far we have come. All that to say, “I am blessed beyond belief.” God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good!

Friday afternoon I made the decision to move forward with Hepatic Arterial Infusion Pump. This means a pump will be surgically implanted into my body and will deliver chemotherapy directly to the liver. The liver is the only place we can see metastases right now so this seems to make the most sense. [Read more…]

How does one find peace amidst chaos? When turmoil reigns, anxiety rules, and worry is winning, how do we find the road to peace?

A Month of Waiting

It has been one month since I first caught a glimpse of my scan results. While no expert I have learned to interpret these results with amazing accuracy.

The past few weeks have been full of doctor’s appointments which all present a myriad of options. Each option has risk/reward which must be weighed and compared with all the other options. There is one last appointment this Friday, and then we should be able to talk of future plans with some level of confidence.

When we started this journey in 2016 there were no options. Dr. Saroha simply told me what I was going to do. In some ways I miss those simpler days. The truth is that options equals hope. Doctors who would not talk to me before, want to see me today. I have been blessed and they want to be a part of any future treatment. Even in the midst of recurring cancer…God is good!

My Journal Talks

I came across something I wrote after meeting with my spiritual director. We met Friday, August 16, 2019. As we closed our time together he invited me to live and move with the attitude and spirit of the Jesuits. Seeking first to Discern God’s invitation, Doing what was discerned wholeheartedly, and thus Finding Joy & Peace. I was struck by his words. In a very real way they put words to the way I have sought to live and move a significant portion of my life. Notice the word “sought.” I have failed miserably many times over. Yet, if I am honest, peace has come when I have moved through life in such a manner. [Read more…]

It has been a full week since my exploratory surgery. Dr. Roses said they would have my pathology reports within a few days. I am ready to hear answers and make some plans. When it comes to my cancer, patience is not one of my spiritual gifts.

RECOVERY

On the day of surgery, I felt pretty good. A few Tylenol kept the pain at bay. I slept the night away. Wednesday found me home alone. The house was just the way I like it, still and quiet. I was focused on resting and recovering. Thursday, it felt like the bottom fell out of everything. I was hopeful this was nothing more than “the third day is the worst” being realized with my recovery. Friday morning, I woke up a new person and headed off to the office by mid-morning.

A GOOD DISTRACTION

I was distracted most of the day, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We had a great conference centering around the issue of Substance Use Disorder and the role Faith, Hope, and Love plays in recovery. While I was not functioning at one-hundred percent, I was present and able to participate. [Read more…]

Nancy started a new job, I missed seeing her every day. My truck stopped working. Doctors confirmed my cancer is growing. My trip to Africa got canceled. Last week was a winner!

An Honest Report

I am about to embark on my fourth round of treatment for stage IV colon cancer. I am happy to honestly report, “It is well with me.” Yes, you read that correctly. “It is well with me.”

Friday I met with my oncologist to talk about treatment options. As we were parting ways he said, “Dan, you handle this all very well. I think your profession helps you.”

Driving back to the office I reflected upon his comment. Something about it did not sit well with me. Hours later I just about leaped from my chair. My profession has little to do with how I have navigated the past three and a half years!

My Source of Hope

The only reason I have been able to move through these past few years with joy, purpose, and optimism is the hope I find in and through Jesus. I was so numb from the realities Dr. Saroha and I had been discussing that I missed the opportunity to remind him of that truth. We will talk about it at one of our next appointments.

Sunday was one giant reminder of where my hope is found. It was exactly what I needed to remind me of what was truly important. Morning worship was truly amazing. It was if the service was prepared just for me.

I know, some of you are thinking that as the pastor I had the opportunity to choose music, text and such that would speak to me. The truth is our worship music had been selected weeks before there was any inkling of a bad scan report. The scripture reading came from the Lectionary and was read by thousands of communities around the world. No, the pastor did not orchestrate the service today. The Spirit was alive well, and working within our midst.

We Lifted Our Voices

We lifted our voices together and sang “It Is Well.” As the chorus rang out over our community it was if it was washing over me.

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Our voices joined together to “Raise a Hallelujah” regardless of the difficulties many of us were facing. The truth is that no matter what we are facing we can claim victory because of who God is.

I raise a hallelujah, with everything inside of me

I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee

I raise a hallelujah, in the middle of the mystery

I raise a hallelujah, fear you lost your hold on me!

Realities Shifted

Cancer moved from a front and center concern to “background noise” meant to distract and take my attention off of what was truly important.

I pray that in the days ahead I may be able to truly “Let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name”

What realities in your life serve to take your attention away from what is truly important?

Who, or what do you allow to speak loudly when they really should be mere “background noise?”

My prayer is that you will take a few moments from your day and listen to these songs which claim victory over chaos, disruption, darkness, and defeat.

May you experience what Jesus talked about as “Life to the Full.”

On the way home from meeting with my cancer surgeon, I asked Rayann what she thought of the appointment. Rayann replied, “Sometimes, it feels like God rips the chair from underneath you.”

I am not sure God actually rips a chair out from beneath us, but I certainly understand the emotion Rayann was expressing.

The past few weeks have been filled with moments that felt like someone was pulling a chair from underneath me.

A Busy few Weeks

Two weeks ago I had my normal three-month scans. When the scan report appeared on my healthcare portal, I was less than encouraged by the language. It spoke of one of my metastases, “doubling in size.”

Last week I completed bloodwork in advance of upcoming appointments. Those results were a mixed bag. Much of the report was very positive. Unfortunately, my CEA (which measures active growing cancer) had doubled and was above normal for the first time in two years.

Wednesday morning, I met with my radiologist. He confirmed my suspicions. My cancer was active once again. It turns out the microwave ablation I had back in June aggravated my cancer and caused it to grow faster. [Read more…]