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The Results are In

December 8, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 5 Comments

The results are in. We are thankful for the way my body is responding to treatments.

myPennMedicine

I love myPennMedicine.

It is an online program that allows me to look and see upcoming appointments, test results, and allows me to directly message my doctors. A few days after I complete my scans the results show up on myPennMedicine and I get to see the results before I go to the doctor’s office.

When a new message or test result shows up it is highlighted in bold. Once you read the item the bold disappears so you can keep track of what you have viewed. A few days ago I started checking to see if my latest scan results were there. When I went on to look all my test results showed I had already viewed them, which led me to believe they were old results.

Confusion

As Nancy and I were pulling out of the church parking lot on the way to my oncologist’s office I asked if she had seen any of my test results. She said, “yes.” Surprised I looked over and she was sitting quietly not sharing anything else. Immediately my thoughts went very dark, “Nancy has known for days that my results are bad, she does not want to share them with me and is waiting for the doctor to deliver the news.” After a few moments, I said, “Well, what are they?” Nancy smiled and said everything is fine.

It turns out she went on a few days ago and read the results, which made them appear as old messages. The truth is I waffle back and forth between wanting to know early and wanting to wait to hear the interpretations of my oncologist. Nancy was simply honoring my past requests to wait until my appointment to hear the results.

The rest of the drive to the oncologist’s was filled with laughter at the way she had fooled me into believing my results had yet to show up.

Saroha speaks

When I finally got to see the results there was plenty of good news.

Dr. Saroha said my bloodwork has returned to normal. The side effects of the last round of chemo treatment have disappeared and my bloodwork is much better.

In May of 2016 my first scan results listed the metastases on my liver as innumerable. This last scan numbers them between 10 to 20. There are three metastases that we track with each scan. There was no growth in any of the metastases present and one, in particular, showed “significant” reduction.

All in all, it was a great report. The truth remains that cancer will continue to be a part of my journey. I am thankful for the being able to walk it the way I have up to this point.

The Journey Continues

“Life will never be the same after hearing the words, ‘you have cancer.’ I am thankful for the life-giving and life-affirming ‘transformations’ that have come along on this journey. Cancer has helped me slow down, celebrate what truly matters, and not get distracted by secondary things.”

The Journey Continues is available in hardcover, softcover and as an ebook.

To order a copy of The Journey Continues.

Setting Captives Free

November 1, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

I have moved like a “captive set free” these past few weeks. My body is slowly regaining strength and energy.

Treatment Update

Last Friday Nancy and I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Saroha. I was clearly in a different place than I have been in the past few weeks. The results from my blood work had returned, and everything was back within normal range. Looking at my labs, everything was “unremarkable.”

My CEA, which had proved to be such a good marker for how my treatment was progressing is not so accurate these days. We still watch it, those numbers are important, yet Dr. Saroha is not as concerned if they rise or fall. I am still under the “normal” threshold so we are at peace with that.

The person I remember

As we walked into Dr. Saroha’s office, it was clear I was not the person who left only a few short weeks ago. I have had energy, and my schedule has been filled with meetings and appointments. The past few weeks I have been moving much more like pre-cancer Dan.

The change has been so significant that I even questioned if maybe it would be wise to resume some form of treatment. Having given my body a short rest, maybe it was time to push forward and aggressively treat the cancer growing in my body. When I proposed that idea to Dr. Saroha he told me to relax and enjoy the break for as long as it lasts. He cannot, or will not, give me any sense of how much time away from treatment I should expect. It is classic Dr. Saroha.

Moving Forward

Following the Thanksgiving holiday I will have scans to see how my body is responding to this break from treatment. I will not know anything until then. Based upon those results, we will plot a course forward.

I find this season both exciting and anxiety causing.

Exciting

This week is filled with a lot of pre-cancer Dan type activities. I traveled to Boston to be part of my Nehemiah Network cohort. I spent time with a group of fellow pastors who are interested in working to bring about renewal and revival to their congregations. It is always good to spend time with like-minded people and to learn from each other.

While in Boston Nancy and I got to spend some time with great friends. A few decades ago we served as youth leaders at Maplewood Baptist Church. The relationships built there are sacred. When we gather together the years melt away, it feels as if we were together just last weekend. It was good to laugh, tell stories, and catch up on life.

Setting Captives Free

Tomorrow I will be heading off to a conference where we will wrestle with issues of guilt and shame. One of my favorite passages of scripture is found in Luke, chapter 4. Jesus is in the synagogue at Nazareth. He reads from the scroll of the prophet Isaiah.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor.
He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives,
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set free those who are oppressed,
To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.”

“Proclaim release to the captives, to set free those who are oppressed.” The older I become, the more convinced I am that Jesus was speaking of much more than incarceration with these words. Many of us are held captive by guilt and shame. We allow our past and the thoughts of others to shape how we view ourselves and relationship with God. Jesus boldly declares, “I have come to set the captives free.”

Part of my day tomorrow will be spent wrestling to understand how Jesus can set us free from the powerful spirits of guilt and shame.

Anxiety

I am anxious because I do not know what is going on inside my body. Truth be told I felt the same way as we started my last break. Every ache, pain, season of feeling tired causes me to wonder if the cancer is growing. Over time I learned how to relax and enjoy the season God has given me. I am praying for a similar experience this time.

Book Progress

“The Journey Continues” has moved from the editorial to design stage. I am excited to see this project come near completion. There will be a proof to review and then we will head into the production stage. I do not have a clear timeline on when it will be complete. You can be sure I will share it with you once the book is available.

Breaktime

October 2, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 8 Comments

Nancy and I met with Dr. Saroha last Friday. We made a temporary decision regarding chemo treatments. It is time to chase quality of life.

Dr. Appointment

Nancy and I met with Dr. Saroha last Friday.

The three of us decided that now was a good time to take a break from chemotherapy.

My blood work reveals that my body is wearing down under the constant barrage of chemo. During this break we will be doing blood work and scans to monitor my progress and should anything of concern arise we will jump right back into treatment mode.

Last time we entered a break like this I was chemo free for a whole year. I am hopeful for the same thing this time around.

To be very clear, we are not giving up on treatments. I am going to be doing everything I can to strengthen my body during this break so that when treatment resumes I will be stronger and better able to handle it.

To be very clear, in another direction, this break does not mean that my cancer is in remission. Quite the opposite. It is present in my liver and we will be watching to see when it begins to grow again. This round of treatment has done what we wanted, we have shrunk tumors and beat it back, yet the stuff still exists.

How do you feel?

I was reading my blog from the last time I took a break and I am having some of the same feelings this time.

There is something unsettling about stopping treatment when you know it is the treatment that is fighting the cancer. Last break it took me six to eight weeks to relax and enjoy life. I felt every pain, twinge and ache as if the cancer was growing in my body. Once I was able to relax we enjoyed a full year chemo free.

I am glad to be taking a break. I am also a little nervous for what that means long-term.

Dr. Sarhoa assured me that this was normal and that it was good for me to be doing. So far his wisdom and guidance has proven to be true in every situation.

Where is that book?

I am in the process of reviewing the editor’s suggestions regarding the book. Once that step is complete we will head into the production phase. I am hopeful that we will have this project complete and available by the end of this year. I will keep you posted.

How 2 Do It

September 22, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Walking well with someone who is fighting long-term or terminal illness is not easy. My friend Andrea offers one example of how to do it well.

WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may have caught a couple “shout outs” to Andrea. When it was time to get a tattoo there were thoughts of getting them together. She is a “fan” of the chemo man purse and somehow sees it as a fashion statement. So, who is this woman?

Andrea and I met when she was in Jr. high. She was a member of the youth group at Maplewood Baptist Church. Andrea was full of energy and we had a great relationship.

At one point she kept telling me about this great Christian Slater movie, Kuffs. I just had to see it. One Saturday she took Nancy and myself to the movies to see it. As the movie opens Slater’s character and his girlfriend dance around their apartment clad only in their underwear. Andrea sat frozen in her seat, head down, eyes up, beat red. She muttered, “Forgot about this part.” We laugh about it to this day. (Okay, I laugh about it.)

I had the honor of performing Andrea’s wedding. It was a special day. As the years roll on our families stay connected.

QUALITY VS QUANTITY

One of the most fascinating things about this cancer journey has been conversations with my oncologist about quality vs quantity of life. Prior to meeting Dr. Saroha, I would have said, “I will take both thank you very much.” There was never any reason to think in such heavy or deep ways. The goal was to have it all, quality and quantity.

From the beginning of my treatment Dr. Saroha has been clear there will be seasons where we will choose quantity on life. In those moments it will be up to me to fight through side effects and labor through whatever treatment is appropriate. At other times we will decide that it is time for a break from all the treatments, time for my body to recover, and heal. Time for my quality of life to improve.

Those have never been easy conversations, but they have become part of my “new normal.” Nancy and I find it much easier to slip into the quality vs quantity conversation than we first did. [Read more…]

Blog 2 Book

September 21, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Have you ever found yourself mid story, realizing you were speaking a deeper truth? While sharing “ancient” history, I found myself revealing the profound.

PASTOR, YOU MUST DO THIS

Shawn and his family

Shawn stood in my office telling me what I had to do. He was convinced that it was important. I protested, my time was limited, there was no band-width to add one more thing. “Dan, if you want to reach people today you MUST have a blog.”

A RECURRING CONVERSATION

This was not the first time Shawn and I had spoken this way. He was convinced a blog was important. I was equally as convinced that I had no time for such a thing. What would I write? The idea of generating content of value for one more thing was not appealing. I wanted to do things well, the amount of time needed to write quality could not be found on my current calendar.

DISMISSAL

Shawn kept after me. Each time he came with new ideas on how something like a blog would fit into my life. “Dan, you could use your sermons as content.” “My sermons are rarely written in text form, I generate an outline and speak from that. Taking time to turn an outline into text worthy of public consumption is too much.” “Pastor, you write a newsletter article each month. You could simply use that as part of your blog content.” “That is written specifically for the people of this congregation, it is not for wider consumption.” I had an answer for everything he brought to me. Shawn was not deterred, he returned a few days later with a new suggestion. [Read more…]

What’s in a Name?

August 15, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

I love going out to eat. Part of the fun is meeting our wait staff for the evening. Most often it is someone I have never met before. Strangers brought together around the desire for a good meal and the need for a job. I find names fascinating. The more unique the name, the more fascinated I become. At some point during our brief interaction I am often led to ask, “So, what does your name mean.” I find the more unique the name the more likely the individual knows the deeper meaning behind it.

Adebola

A few months ago Nancy and I were out to dinner and our server introduced himself, “Good evening, my name is Adebola. I will be your server tonight.” Everything came to a stop right there. Nancy hung her head as I began my inquisition regarding the spelling and meaning behind his name. He smiled when I said, “That name is uique, I don’t believe I have heard it before, how do you spell it?” When I asked what it meant he stood a little straighter and said, “Royalty meets Wealth.”

Wow, what a name. Talk about something that points to a future. Nothing normal or average in this young man’s future. He knew very clearly the deeper meaning behind his name. I can imagine his parents speaking the greater truth of his name into his life from a very young age. I would love to know what the future holds for him. “Royalty meets Wealth.”

What’s in a Name?

Daniel means “God is my Judge”. My name has always carried deeper meaning for me. It reminds me of the Daniel from the Old Testament and his commitment to follow the leading of Abba Father in the midst of the most difficult circumstances. No matter what chaos and turmoil presented itself in his life Daniel worked to remain obedient to the teachings of God. His commitment to God raised the chaos in his life, even put his life in danger, but Daniel had confidence in the faithfulness of God. “God is my Judge”…not those who happen to live and move around me. “God is my Judge”…not those who speak words of condemnation and chaos upon me. I seek to hear the words “Well done good and faithful servant” from one, and only one voice in my life…”God is my Judge.”

Christian

Christian is a name that gets tossed around pretty easily these days. We label many individuals and things as Christian. We like labels. The name Christian means “Christ follower.” A Christ follower is one who has accepted the teachings of Christ and is working to live their lives based upon those teachings. There is much in our world that carrys the label Christian and yet is far from living and moving as a true Christ follower.

Names are important. They have the power to identify and speak life into people. As a Christian my label is a constant reminder that I should be following the teachings of Christ. Sure, I will fall short. Fall short on a daily basis, but I should not be okay with that. I must “daily pick up my cross to follow the one whose name I carry.”

A New Day

It is time for all who carry the name of Christ to begin to live into that name. To lay aside the things of this world. To adopt the teachings of Jesus and learn to speak them with grace and power into all situations. The world is tired of watching those who carry the name Christian live exactly the same as those who carry other names.

“Christ Follower”…stop following those who promise you something today or tomorrow.

May the world see “Christ Followers” who know and strive to live the teachings of Jesus each moment of their lives.

Maintenance Chemo Round 1

August 13, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Today was maintenance chemo round 1. We removed the drug Irinotecan from my treatment plan. While very effective in my treatment it also carries the most unpleasant side effects. The idea is that the remaining drugs will keep my cancer from growing and we will stay in the “stable” zone for a season.

Quantity & Quality

There is no end date for this maintenance chemotherapy. It will all depend upon how my body responds. As Dr. Saroha makes treatment plans we talk about quantity and quality of life. It is a balancing act. The goal is to increase quantity while not decreasing quality. There are times we make decisions for the sake of quantity (like pursuing this round of maintenance chemo) while quality takes a back seat. Other times quality wins out (as in the break I took from all treatment) and we monitor my tumors until they resume growth and have an impact upon quantity. The whole thing is a balancing act. I am very glad to have Dr. Sarhoa walking with me through this. He is sensitive to both quantity and quality and is passionate about finding the correct balance for me. If I can handle this maintenance chemo well we will accomplish increasing both quantity and quality.

Feeling Positive

Tonight I am feeling much better than I have following my last twelve (12) aggressive chemo treatments. My nausea is much better. For the past twelve treatments I would be taking my nausea medicine around the clock following chemotherapy. So far I am handling this new regimen much better. If this is a sign of what is to come I am feeling positive about increasing both quantity and quality at the same time…a win-win for me.

New Learning

During treatment today I learned something new. My nurses do not want me to suffer during treatment. They have ways to treat just about every side effect and get frustrated if you do not share the reality of your experience. Their goal is to make treatment as easy and comfortable as possible. I have learned that it is best not to suffer in silence, my caregivers want to know and help. Early this morning my nausea was rough. On the way to treatment I was in rough shape and had to stop and get some things to try and settle my stomach. A few hours into my treatment I shared with my nurses that my nausea was bad and getting worse. “We have not given you anything that would cause you nausea yet, your chemo drugs will start in a few minutes.” I laughed, and asked what we had been doing for the past few hours if I had yet to get chemo drugs. We do an hour worth of fluids, some nausea medicine and other drugs BEFORE the chemo drugs. I knew we were right on schedule but it was kind of funny.

This explains some things

“Maybe you have “anticipatory nausea?” Anticipatory nausea…what in the world is that? Well, it turns out “anticipatory nausea” is a real thing. Your body comes to know and recognize times when nausea effects you and symptoms arise before the actual event. My nurse shared that some people have nausea as soon as they get up on treatment day. Others start to feel the effects on the car ride to the office. Still others are overcome as they walk in the office door. The longer she talked the more I recognized pieces of my own life. Anticipating treatment has often led me to feel poorly and this new idea certainly helps explain some things.

Our Amazing Bodies

Throughout this journey I have been amazed by the human body. My body’s ability to anticipate, heal, survive is humbling. I give Abba Father all praise and honor. There have been times my body has know what was to come and began to anticipate what was coming in very real and physical ways. This is just another new way to view and think about the journey. It is clear this is not something that is just “in your head.” Our bodies are very beautiful things and take steps in the future based upon past experiences. Up till now the most vivid illustration of this was when I started my second round of chemo. I had been chemo free for a whole year. As soon as treatment started my body recognized what was going on. The side effects that took months to show up during round one were present by the second treatment round two. Dr. Saroha explained that my body “recognized” what was happening and reverted to feeling and acting like it did at the end of my first round. It was kind of like a light switch being turned on, instant side effects.

Participatory?

The upside is that I can anticipate the “anticipatory nausea” and begin taking some drugs to counteract it early on my treatment days. On the way home from treatment I asked Nancy if she wanted to join me with some “participatory nausea”. Much like a husband has sympathy pains while their wife is pregnant…she could join me in my nausea. My suggested was greeted with a look of disdain. Nancy is a great support but I think she drew the line at “participatory nausea.” 🙂

God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good … even when the “anticipatory nausea comes my way.