Daniel Nicewonger - Spiritual Formation Catalyst

The Journey Continues

June 9, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Eight Down

I am eight (8) treatments in to this round of chemotherapy and the Journey Continues.

A few weeks ago, I was on retreat and spent some of my time walking the grounds of the Jesuit Center. I ended up getting my 10,000 steps four days in a row. It felt like I was going to float my way through this round of chemo with little problems.

No More Bouncing Back

Monday following the retreat was my seventh treatment. It felt like I was hit by a truck. The energy I had just days before was gone, long gone. My “off week” was okay, but I certainly did not bounce back the way I had previously.

Treatment number eight was more of the same. I don’t think I ever truly bounced back to my “new normal” this time. Each day has been a struggle to move with the energy to get through the day. Naps have become part of the new normal. If you stop by church and cannot find me there is a good chance I will be in one of the back pews grabbing a few moments of quiet to re-charge for the rest of the day.

Praise for the Progress

Now, to be clear, I am handling this round of treatment much better than I did my round in 2016. First round I needed a walking stick to help me move through life, that is not true today. It only took a few treatments in 2016 for me to feel the way I do today. I am four months in and it is just now that I am starting to feel weak and rundown. [Read more…]

The Root of Love

May 28, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

“The root of Christian love is not the will to love, but the faith that one is loved…”

While on retreat at the Jesuit Center a few weeks ago my spiritual director gave me some readings to focus my thoughts.

One of those readings was an article by Father Ronald Rolheiser.

Why we Pray

Writing about prayer he challenges many common thoughts about why we pray. Prayer is not about getting things from God. Nor is it about “having beautiful thoughts about God.”

Prayer is about us “feeling God’s affection for us.”

Abba Father loves ME.

Praying in this way opens the door for me / us to experience the full depth and breadth of who God is.

It expands my / our capacity to love myself and others as Jesus called us to.

Rolheiser suggests that prayers greatest functions is to help us experience God’s love for us.

Faith that we are Loved

It was Thomas Merton who wrote, “the root of Christian love is not the desire to love, but the faith that we are loved.”

Stop and think about that for a moment.

How many have struggled to love others? Think of the times when you have known the correct response is love or forgiveness but just could not find it within yourself to move that way.

Could it be that we jump to “showing” love before understanding, truly embracing the depth of Abba Father’s love for us?

Until we make that discovery…until we experience the love of Jesus in a personal, relational way there is little hope of us truly submitting to one another in love.

My greatest expressions of love come when I am confident that I am loved…loved by Abba Father…being able to rest in that reality is what sets captives free.

A “simple” prayer

One of the simple prayers I have been offering up to God these days goes something like this…

“Abba Father, help me to see myself as You see me. Help me to know and experience the depth of your love for me.”

I will be better able to love like Jesus the more I know…truly believe that Abba Father loves me just as He loved Jesus.

GIFT & GRACE

May 21, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Sanctuary at Jesuit Center

If you spend much time around the Jesuits, you will hear them speak of gift & grace. They have come to understand that all of life is either gift or grace.

The Jesuits, or “the Society of Jesus” is a Roman Catholic order of priests and brothers founded half a millennium ago by the soldier-turned-mystic Ignatius Loyola.

Jesuits seek to “find God in all things.” They are dedicated to the “greater glory of God” and the good of all humanity. Jesuits draw upon the rich tradition of Ignatian spirituality and reflection.

Contemplatives in Action

To be clear, I do not consider myself an expert on Jesuit thought or life. I do know that when I spend time with my Jesuit brothers I am challenged, and my faith is deepened. What attracts me to their specific “brand” of mystic theology is that while the focus begins with gaining a deeper understanding of and relationship with God it does not end there. Jesuits do not retreat from the world to “navel gaze” and simply deepen their walk with God. They “aim to be ‘contemplatives in action,’ people who bring this spirituality into the wide world.”

During this last trip to the Jesuit Center I realized that pieces of my personal vision statement could have been written by a Jesuit priest. [Read more…]

DISRUPTIONS

May 12, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

The Jesuit Center

Into the Silence

It is Sunday afternoon (May 6^th). We are just about halfway to the Jesuit Center in Wernersville, PA.

Nancy is going to drop me off for a five day retreat into the silence. I enjoy silence, I find it helps me quiet myself and draw closer to Abba Father. I fear silence. When all is silent you can hear clearly. Abba’s voice is always gentle, always affirming who I am as one created in the image of God, as one of God’s beloved.

Yet I always question. What if I do not hear clearly this time? There is so much to do, so much that needs to be done, can you really afford to spend this time away?

Dashboard Christmas Tree

We are about halfway to the Jesuit Center when our dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree. I mean the kind of bright that someone could have seen from the space station. Multiple lights, warning messages flashing. The car has no power. As we pull away from a stop sign it struggles to accelerate and gain speed. This is it, I knew it was coming, GONE is our transmission!

What to do? Immediately I want to turn around. There is no way we should push on. Nancy should not be driving the car home, alone while I am at the Jesuit Center. She needs ME to get this car fixed. I am going to have to help as we pick out a new car and navigate through that whole process. This retreat is over before it began. [Read more…]

A Prom to Remember

April 27, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Tonight is the 2018 Kennett High school prom. It is a time of celebration as students think about the end of another school year. For some this will be their last prom before taking the next steps toward adulthood. Students celebrate what was and look toward the future.

Tonight is the Kennett High school prom. For me it serves as a reminder of the beginning this journey I am on.

A Prom to Remember

It was prom night 2016 that I made my way to the Chester County hospital because I was having trouble breathing. I remember sitting in my living room on Friday night into early Saturday morning struggling to get a full breath of air. Rayann was at prom and I did not want to interrupt her special night. I waited until she made it home safe early on Saturday morning and then Nancy and I headed out for the hospital. After a few days of tests they told me I had stage IV colon cancer.

Every spring as prom season rolls around it is a reminder of that crazy night and the days that followed. In a strange way I celebrate what has been and look forward to the future…much like those students who are at prom. [Read more…]

Riding the Wave with God

April 8, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Today was a great day at church. We celebrated the unveiling of “Riding the Wave with God”.

Surfing the Movements of the Spirit

Last November I began thinking about the focus of our congregation for 2018. We adopted an image from Henry Blackaby that helps us think about finding where the Spirit of God is at work and join in to help bring about “Thy Kingdom Come.” Blackaby talks of how a surfer watches for good waves and then rides the wave. Surfers do not splash around to create waves. They ride out into the sea and sit patiently, discerning the good waves from the bad. When they find a wave they like it is game on. Every ounce of energy and focus goes into catching and riding that wave for as long as they can.

If we believe the Spirit of God is alive, well and working in our lives and world then we ought to seek out those places where God is “on the move” like a surfer seeks the perfect wave. When we see God at work it is our call to join in with every ounce of energy we have to offer.

The Surfboard

Thanksgiving 2017 in NC…the journey begins

When I knew this was going to be our focus I wanted to find a surfboard to have around and point to throughout the year. It took some hunting to find one. I finally found one while on vacation in North Carolina last Thanksgiving. Craigslist delivered and I ended up in a parking lot with a man looking to unload a surfboard. When I asked why he was getting rid of it he shared, “I moved to the beach and thought it would be neat to learn how to surf.” I asked how that worked out for him and he replied, “I am meeting you ina grocery store parking lot to sell my board.”

My nieces and I had some fun with the surfboard in Grandma’s backyard and then it made the long trek from North Carolina to Kennett Square, PA. I wanted to strap it to the roof of the car but Rayann was not a fan.

In early 2018 the surfboard made its debut in church. It was an awesome visual aid and helped us think about surfing with the Spirit. [Read more…]

Blessed beyond belief

April 6, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

This has been a very busy week. Monday was a treatment day. Tuesday and Wednesday were busy, and I struggled with the effects of my treatment. Thursday was filled with CT scans and MRI appointments. Friday meant a return to the doctors for “fluids” to juice me up for the weekend.

It was a busy week. God met me in the midst of it. Sacred conversations that helped shape me and help form the person I am becoming. I was wise enough to cancel one event when my body was screaming for me to stop. Turns out I was dehydrated. After an evening of rest, plenty of water, and more rest I felt much better. I am learning when to say enough and people have shown me grace when I reach the point of needing to stop.

Markers

There were certain markers that caused us to start this round of treatment. My MRI revealed lesions on my liver had “grown significantly”. At the same time my CEA had increased from 1.6 to 3.3. While 3.3 is still below the normal range of 5 it was the first time we had seen any significant increase in the past year. At the same time I was recognizing patterns of being out of breath walking up hills and was losing some of the energy I had gained after a break from chemo.

The combination of those markers sent me back into this round of treatment.

Patience

I have learned patience with the treatment process. We do four treatments before doing any kind of tests to reveal if the chemotherapy is working. Eight weeks of treatment without knowing if you are accomplishing anything other than pumping poison into your body. At the worst of times it is very easy to wonder if the nausea, diarrhea, fatigue, and disruption to life are worth the effort. [Read more…]

CAREGIVERS

April 6, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Chemo Round 3

Monday, March 19^th found me sitting in the treatment chair listening to the rhythm of the pump as I received my third treatment. Part of me is amazed at how fast we are progressing through the treatments. Time moves on and in a short while we will be looking at this round of treatment in the rearview mirror.

We are using different drugs which my body is responding to in very different ways. I foolishly thought I could plan on moving through this round like I did last time. It has taken me a few weeks to understand and accept the reality that this round was going to be different.

I do not bounce back as fast from treatment. Chemo weeks find me struggling to function well. Friday of each treatment week feels like someone turns a switch and I feel more like myself. The week between treatments slowly begins to feel like normal. I move slow, get tired, have a hard time concentrating and nausea comes and goes without warning, but I am able to function. During non-treatment weeks I hear lots of people say, “You look great.” The truth is that simply looking at me would not reveal the reality of what is going on in my life.

Blessings

During the ebbs and flows of treatment I have been able to maintain an active work schedule. I have found time to focus on what really matters. There have been conversations that move past simple things and towards deeper realities.

Care giver, Care receiver

Nancy and I have adjusted back into our caregiver, care receiver roles. It is not always easy for either one of us. I do not always want to be cared for, even though I may need it. The weight of moving through life as a caregiver can become heavy and there are times Nancy becomes overwhelmed.

I share this next piece of life not because it is pretty, nor particularly uplifting. It does, however, capture the reality of the challenges caregivers and care receivers struggle through. [Read more…]

Easter 2018

April 1, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Easter Celebration Decades Ago

A few decades ago I was serving as the Assistant Pastor at Memorial Baptist Church in Cortland, NY. A few Sundays before Easter pastor Roger and I were sitting up on the platform waiting for worship to begin. Roger leaned over, “Dan, what are you and your family doing for Easter dinner?” As the music played Roger and I made plans for our families to join together to celebrate Easter dinner together.

Easter Sunday came and following worship our families gathered for dinner in one of the finest Chinese restaurants Cortland had to offer. We had the whole place to ourselves. There might have been one or two other couples there, but it was clear we were the only people there to celebrate Easter.

Finding Balance

Nancy and I were new in ministry. Over dinner Roger shared some of the realities of ministry life. “Christmas and Easter are demanding times and often leave little room for traveling to be with family.” Roger shared the importance of learning how to balance ministry and family time. We had an enjoyable meal together.

Nancy’s Perspective

During the ride home I listened to Nancy’s rebuttal to Roger’s outlook on life. Nancy comes from a large family where holiday dinner celebrations are important and very significant. Easter dinner is defined by ham, greens, potatoes, banana pudding and so much more. Nancy has worked extremely hard over the years to make sure that no matter how busy our family may be around the holidays we take time for a special meal together. She has often spent hours at church only to come home and spend hours more preparing a “traditional” holiday meal.

New Traditions

As the children have gotten older some of that pressure has relaxed. Today was a milestone day for our family. We were transported back to that first Easter dinner with Roger and his family as we went out for Chinese! Mom and Dad joined Rayann, Nancy and myself for a great family meal prepared and cleaned up by someone else. We had a great time and got to share just a little bit more of life together.

Roger’s early wisdom was important to hear. It helped our young family decide how we were going to balance ministry and family. Nancy’s commitment to holiday dinners made for some very special memories. As we relaxed around the table today it was nice to enjoy a meal without the added pressure of having the perfect “Normal Rockwell” experience. The ribs were amazing. 🙂

Grace Glimmers

March 10, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Missing the Familiar

Monday, March 5^th meant the second round of chemo. My nurses were not there. Jeri was in San Francisco with family and Meghan was home with a sick child. That left me in the hands of people I was not used to. They did a fine job but I am learning things about myself. The older I get and the longer this treatment goes I am becoming a creature of habit and routine.

Nancy and I were sitting in the waiting room when one of the nurses came out to get another patient for treatment. We both realized my “normal” nurses were not there. Nancy looked at me and smiled. “You will be okay.” She knew I was thinking of leaving and coming back another day. I stuck it out and the treatment went well. My nurse was someone I had never worked with before. I opted for limited interaction and extended sleep time. On my way out of the treatment area I stopped by one of the offices to make sure “my nurses” would be back next treatment. There is something about their familiarity and the rapport we have built that makes the day almost enjoyable.

A Hard Week

This past week has been a hard week. I am only on treatment number two but I feel like I did when I was eight or nine treatments in last round. There was no energy rush thanks to the steroids. I felt tired and weary most of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Physically I was weak and tired easily.

Emotionally it was another season of adjustment. I was forced to come to grips that I was no “master of chemotherapy” and this was going to be at least as rough as last time. There were times where my mind was cloudy and I had to really search for what used to be simple answers or ideas. “Chemo brain” is a very real thing and is what I fear most as I go through treatment. I do not like the brain fog. I often feel like I have to work for the simplest of thoughts or ideas. [Read more…]