My spirit was unsettled when I awoke Monday morning. Worldwide pandemic, cancer, a country in turmoil, plenty of work to do, peace eluded me.

Peace Eluded Me

Laying in bed, my thoughts were filled with all that was left undone.

This first round of chemotherapy left me very weak. The simplest of tasks required intention and extra effort.

My mind raced. Peace eluded me.

Coffee in hand, I turned on the news. I have taken to spending a few minutes with each of the major news outlets. I find it helps me understand the depth and breadth of thought that is stirring within our world. Peace eluded me.

The second cup of coffee in hand, I made my way downstairs to my study. Looking at the days’ agenda and what needed to be accomplished, I was overwhelmed. Peace eluded me.

Be Still

My study is right off our garage. I will often walk into the driveway to clear my head. Coffee in hand, I walked to the top of our driveway.

Standing in the silence of the early morning, my spirit relaxed. All the noise of this crazy world faded away.

Be Still and Know that I am God

Be Still and Know that I am

Be Still and Know

Be Still

Be

I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace.

Standing at peace, my thoughts returned to an experience I had a few weeks ago. [Read more…]

This past week words from years ago, words meant to tear me down were transformed. They echoed through the years and brought me strength and encouragement. “This is not my first rodeo” was seared into my vocabulary while working one of my non-ministry jobs.

The Disruption

I happened to be working in the control room when we had a “disruption.” The department I worked in was being held responsible for shutting down the plant. Pressures had swung, valves closed, equipment shut down, a whole section of the plant was silent. The loss would end up being calculated in the hundreds of thousands of dollars’ once it was all over.

During the fallout from the “disruption,” my supervisor’s boss walked into the control room and bellowed, “Can anyone tell me what happened here?”

Fools Rush In

Rather than be still, I was foolish enough to volunteer.

What I had witnessed and what happened did not fit the narrative he was seeking to create. I was dismissed out of hand.

A few minutes later, I invited this man to view more evidence that my theory was correct. He listened for about thirty seconds, then puffed out his chest and shouted, “This is not my first rodeo!” [Read more…]

So what does one think about during a week in the hospital? I have found myself thinking about the difference between a calling and a career.

Shift Change

To begin with, I want to be clear, careers are great, we all need one. Something magical happens when we can marry our career with a calling.

I began to think along these lines as I wondered who my nurse would be at each shift change. There was a difference between them. All were good, some simply awesome.

Revelation

The difference did not hit me until this morning. My roommate is in a rough spot. You can pray for Willie. His news is not good and it is rough being here alone hearing that your options are becoming fewer.

A nurse was working with him and asked if he wanted to wash himself up. He said he would. Honestly, it is something that is just a bit outside his ability level right now. One of the CNA’s jumped in and said, “Mr. Willie, let me help you with that.” She spent the next twenty minutes helping him get all cleaned up.

I recognize the difference between the roles of a nurse and a CNA, but there was something else going on within this interaction. Whereas the nurse provided the basin of water and said, “ring me when you are done and I will come back” the CNA saw the deeper need and jumped in. [Read more…]

Early 2020 was a fantastic season. I was full of energy and got lots accomplished. As we entered Lent things took a different turn. Where to begin?

The Past Months

In mid-February started having trouble keeping food down and my food intake dropped significantly. I would not quite call it a fad diet, but I have managed to drop over twenty unwanted pounds. Many dieticians have met with me. Each one is concerned with my current weight drop. As I explain the history, the fact that the steroids from my treatment led me to put on over fifty pounds, their concern lessens. Our conversations usually end when I give them my “target weight” and commit to trying to eat but confess I will not become anxious about the situation until we drop below said target weight.

The Straight Facts

March 10th my symptoms became so severe I had Nancy drive me to the ER at 1 am. The upside was there was no traffic and the ER was basically empty, four people in the waiting room. I was seen quickly and admitted even faster. This visit we treated symptoms and once I felt better they released me home. It was a mistake.

March 17th was a normal visit with Dr. Schneider. I was not with him long before it was determined that I would be a “direct admit” into the hospital. My symptoms had returned and were worse than before.

Thus began a large number of tests. The most significant finding was that my liver enzymes and bilirubin numbers were out of wack. Like extremely out of wack. As with every step on this journey I have learned much. For example, your liver creates bilirubin and needs to get rid of it through the liver into the intestines. Bilirubin is that magical substance that gives color to our poop. Elevated bilirubin numbers mean that your body is not processing that waste effectively.

Multiple Thoughts

The concern quickly became liver damage. There were multiple schools of thought on the cause. The hospital doctors believed it was caused by the chemotherapy I was receiving via my pump. Dr. Schneider (my oncologist) did not believe that was the case. All those numbers had been within acceptable ranges (we track them on a regular basis) and then suddenly jumped. Dr. Schneider was of the opinion that something else was going on.

Options ranged from a virus to damage caused by the chemotherapy, with a few other ideas in between. Soon different medical teams were taking sides and pushing for their opinion. [Read more…]

Tomorrow will mark three weeks post-surgery. I am ever so slowly starting to feel more like myself. Resting to recover is not a strength of mine.

Recovering

I have spent the better part of the past two weeks resting. I move from my bed to a chair and watch mind-numbing hours of television. I am increasingly convinced that the downfall of the western world will come through what we are led to believe is “must-see tv.”

Today (Monday, December 2nd) is the first day I have truly felt like doing anything more than simply trying to make it through the day till bedtime. Resting to recover is not a strength of mine.

A big part of my struggle has been the “bug” that I picked up during my last night in the hospital. Throughout the years, I have heard the phrase, “sharing is caring” …but honestly, my roommate could have cared just a little less, and I would have been fine.

Miscommunication

Nancy and I received word that my next appointments would come the Monday after Thanksgiving, so we made a quick run to North Carolina for Thanksgiving. I wanted to see Joseph. I also wanted Nancy to have an opportunity to see her family before my treatment began. I know she will not leave me to go visit once I enter treatment. We arrived the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

On the Monday of Thanksgiving week, I got a text and phone message setting up an appointment for the next day in Philadelphia. After a few calls it was determined that I did indeed need to be seen before Thanksgiving. We left late Monday and arrived home Tuesday evening.

While not the trip we planned we did get to see Joseph and spend time with our family down south. The travel was very smooth and I felt well enough to drive part of the way.

[Read more…]