dnicewonger@gmail.com, Author at Daniel Nicewonger

Hard boiled Love

April 4, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

How does one tell if an egg is just an egg or if it has been hard boiled? In my refrigerator you look for love notes.

Nancy and I are nearing our 30th wedding anniversary. To celebrate Nancy has been sharing some pictures from years past on FB.

A few days ago I wanted eggs for breakfast. I went to the fridge and grabbed a few fresh eggs to scramble. In the process I noticed a few rogue eggs rolling around in the fridge.

Over the past thirty years Nancy has taken to leaving little notes on the eggs she hard boils. It helps her remember which ones she has boiled.

I thought I would share her most recent notes. For the past 30 years I have found little love notes like these in our fridge. Here is to many more years.

Covid Caring

March 31, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Caregivers are special people. Nancy shares some of her thoughts on what it means to care for someone during this COVID 19 season.

Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad are living at The Friends Home. It is a great place for them to be and we are extremely thankful for the excellent care they are receiving. The facility has been on lock down for the past few weeks and no visitors are allowed. Monday was Mom’s birthday. We stood outside with signs, made a phone call to get mom to the window and then waved like fools to let her know she was loved and cared for. Care giving during this season has certainly taken on new forms.

My hospital stay

A “normal” hospital stay for me means Nancy is spending most, if not all, nights right there in my room. She is there to make sure I am well taken care of. Truth be told I end up speaking words of protection upon the doctors and nurses as Nancy advocates for my care. Her expectations are high, and she tolerates little in the way of not getting me the best.

There is something very comforting about waking up in the middle of the night and looking over to see her nearby.

This past hospital stay it was very clear there were no visitors allowed. I was in for eight days and Nancy and I could only talk on the phone. I missed the comfort of having her nearby.

As I would go on my walks around the ward the nurses would smile and say, “We just talked to your wife, she was checking up on you.” Even from a distance Nancy was making sure I was well taken care of.

A Caregiver’s Struggle

A few days after I was home Nancy shared one of her poems with me. If you follow this blog much you know that every now and then Nancy will write something that helps her process the reality we are experiencing. Her latest piece speaks to what it means to live and move as a caregiver amidst this Covid 19 reality we are all facing.

As you read it say a prayer for all those who are separated from loved ones because of Covid 19. Pray for peace, comfort, and most of all healing. Pray for those caregivers who want nothing more than to be near their loved one, but are unable to because of fear of transmitting the virus. God bless our caregivers.

Caring through Isolation

This journey of serious illness has been tumultuous. Full of ups and downs.
But we have done it together each step of the way.
United, you have allowed me to walk alongside you.
I have been able to uphold, support and share with you.

Isolation adds a new dimension to this path. Apart, it seems somehow harder.
News is not as easy to obtain or understand.
Worry creeps in when I cannot see you or talk to you.
Imagination takes the place of fact and knowledge.

Reasons for separation vary and the length of distance may change.
Sometimes treatment requires the patient to stay apart.
Family responsibilities may prohibit visits to a loved one.
For us, rules and fears of germs were the cause.

My fear was that after all this time, you were navigating seriousness alone.
Anxiety would overcome me each day as I waited to hear.
Pressure was placed on you to obtain, process and pass on
The information that was given then revoked then changed.

Watching a loved one suffer is heart wrenching and sad. Nothing one desires.
But to see it from afar brings tears and despair.
Being together again brought relief and gladness.
And hope that we will not have to be apart again.

©Nancy Nicewonger 2020

Calling vs Career

March 26, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

So what does one think about during a week in the hospital? I have found myself thinking about the difference between a calling and a career.

Shift Change

To begin with, I want to be clear, careers are great, we all need one. Something magical happens when we can marry our career with a calling.

I began to think along these lines as I wondered who my nurse would be at each shift change. There was a difference between them. All were good, some simply awesome.

Revelation

The difference did not hit me until this morning. My roommate is in a rough spot. You can pray for Willie. His news is not good and it is rough being here alone hearing that your options are becoming fewer.

A nurse was working with him and asked if he wanted to wash himself up. He said he would. Honestly, it is something that is just a bit outside his ability level right now. One of the CNA’s jumped in and said, “Mr. Willie, let me help you with that.” She spent the next twenty minutes helping him get all cleaned up.

I recognize the difference between the roles of a nurse and a CNA, but there was something else going on within this interaction. Whereas the nurse provided the basin of water and said, “ring me when you are done and I will come back” the CNA saw the deeper need and jumped in. [Read more…]

Monday’s Results

March 23, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Monday’s results. The weekend was filled with “patient” waiting. Monday meant a procedure where a stent was put into my liver. This should resolve some of my liver issues.

Uncertain times

These are certainly trying times. It is easy, very easy to become distracted and disquieted by all that is going on. My hospital roommate was watching CNN the other day and fell asleep. I was forced to listen to over eight hours of Covid19 “breaking news.” The longer I listened the more upset I felt my spirit become. Peace was far from me.

Eventually, I put on my headphones, pulled the covers over my head and started praying. Praying for a better spirit to walk through this season. I needed peace. Peace if this was going to be the end of my life. Peace if Covid 19 was going to harm my family or friends. Peace as I thought about all the ways in which our world is being disrupted and turned upside down by what is going on.

A few hours later I was reminded that my spirit was different. Peace had returned and there was a strength where there was once chaos. [Read more…]

Where to begin?

March 21, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Early 2020 was a fantastic season. I was full of energy and got lots accomplished. As we entered Lent things took a different turn. Where to begin?

The Past Months

In mid-February started having trouble keeping food down and my food intake dropped significantly. I would not quite call it a fad diet, but I have managed to drop over twenty unwanted pounds. Many dieticians have met with me. Each one is concerned with my current weight drop. As I explain the history, the fact that the steroids from my treatment led me to put on over fifty pounds, their concern lessens. Our conversations usually end when I give them my “target weight” and commit to trying to eat but confess I will not become anxious about the situation until we drop below said target weight.

The Straight Facts

March 10th my symptoms became so severe I had Nancy drive me to the ER at 1 am. The upside was there was no traffic and the ER was basically empty, four people in the waiting room. I was seen quickly and admitted even faster. This visit we treated symptoms and once I felt better they released me home. It was a mistake.

March 17th was a normal visit with Dr. Schneider. I was not with him long before it was determined that I would be a “direct admit” into the hospital. My symptoms had returned and were worse than before.

Thus began a large number of tests. The most significant finding was that my liver enzymes and bilirubin numbers were out of wack. Like extremely out of wack. As with every step on this journey I have learned much. For example, your liver creates bilirubin and needs to get rid of it through the liver into the intestines. Bilirubin is that magical substance that gives color to our poop. Elevated bilirubin numbers mean that your body is not processing that waste effectively.

Multiple Thoughts

The concern quickly became liver damage. There were multiple schools of thought on the cause. The hospital doctors believed it was caused by the chemotherapy I was receiving via my pump. Dr. Schneider (my oncologist) did not believe that was the case. All those numbers had been within acceptable ranges (we track them on a regular basis) and then suddenly jumped. Dr. Schneider was of the opinion that something else was going on.

Options ranged from a virus to damage caused by the chemotherapy, with a few other ideas in between. Soon different medical teams were taking sides and pushing for their opinion. [Read more…]

Reacting and Responding

February 2, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Reacting and responding are the two words that best describe life in the Nicewonger household for the past few months. In the midst of it all…God is Good!

REACTING TO MOM’S FALL:

Mom took a tumble in the church parking lot on December 8th. The next month and a half were spent reacting and responding to the myriad of issues her fall unearthed. Thankfully mom did not break anything. She did receive news about restrictions on what life would look like post-fall. Mom and Dad decided to move into The Friend’s Home in early January. They are living there now. I do not think it is fair to say they are settled. They are settling.

The Friends Home is a short walk from First Baptist Church of Kennett Square. I can join them for lunch at least once a week. If they need assistance, I can get there quickly and help as we all transition to a new season of life.

Between my surgery in November and mom’s fall in early December, this year’s holiday season seemed to fly by. It felt like we were holding on for mere survival rather than taking time to enjoy the holidays as we have in the past. Nancy and I find ourselves looking for a moment to sneak away and be still, so we can stop reacting to chaos. [Read more…]

Life Update

December 27, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

2019 is going out with a bang! My treatment schedule is progressing well.

LIFE HAS A WAY

The last time I posted anything was December 6th. Two days later, life took an unexpected and rather crazy turn. Mom fell on her way to church and ended up in the hospital. She stayed there for a few days and has been in rehab since then. Dad came to live with Nancy and me while mom was recovering.

TRANSITIONS

During that time, mom and dad decided to transition from their home to the Friends Home in Kennett Square. Nancy and I have been spending lots of time helping them get ready for the move. Daily trips to visit mom (twice a day) bring great joy to both mom and dad. They have been together for fifty-seven years. This time apart is very disorienting and disturbing for them both. Everyone is anxious and excited to make a move to the Friends Home.

TREATMENT CONTINUES

During all the transitions in mom and dad’s life, I have continued my bi-weekly treatments. So far, I am handling them fairly well. It is hard to determine if my feelings of fatigue are related to chemotherapy treatments or the other transitions taking place in our world.

My treatment schedule is falling into something of a recognizable pattern. Adding a second oncologist and second treatment day does make for some interesting looking calendars, but the longer it continues the more familiar it becomes.

PUMP ACCESS

Every other Tuesday, I travel to Philadelphia to access my pump. The plan is to fill it with chemotherapy every other visit. The pump will run for two weeks giving chemotherapy directly to my liver. The times we do not fill it with chemotherapy, we use saline to ensure the lines do not clot and the pump remains functioning. Accessing the pump is fairly straightforward and is a technical marvel. The process takes no more than twenty minutes.

SYSTEMIC CHEMOTHERAPY

On Wednesday, after my pump access, I visit Dr. Saroha and we do a systemic chemotherapy treatment. We are using one familiar drug and one new drug. I am experiencing all the expected side effects, and am managing them as well as can be expected.

One side effect is acne. Rayann has passed on some of her cast-off facial wash products, and I now have a more elaborate and detailed personal hygiene program than when I was in high-school. Go figure; I dodged bad acne in my teen years to get it when I was in my fifties!

WHERE AM I?

Spiritually, emotionally, physically, I waffle between times of great strength and periods of utter exhaustion. In the midst of it all, I am constantly reminded that “God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good.”

THE SPIRIT SPEAKS

Just this afternoon, I was in the office and had a conversation with a friend that reminded me of how God works best in the midst of weakness. They shared a story of utter weakness and how in the midst of it, God helped them see things clearly. As they talked, it was clear that a season most of us would consider an utter disaster was being used for good. How is it that God so often uses our weakest moments to accomplish the most in us and through us?

I am humbled by the privilege and honor to continue on my journey, whatever it may hold.

I am confident that there will be times of great JOY, along with seasons of struggle. Praise God that one thing remains true. In the midst of it all, I (we) do not have to walk alone.

In preparing this post I came across a previous post that really spoke to me. It was one of those times your words are directed more inward than outward. A time you speak healing and wholeness to yourself more than to others. It came from my journal, a very private place, and I share it here again. The words spoke to me, maybe they will to you, My Private Wrestling.

MOVING FORWARD

There are many partially completed posts sitting in a file ready to be finished. I am praying that in the next few weeks, life will return to some semblance of “normal” (whatever that is), and I can get back to writing on a more regular basis.

Until then, know that I (we) are well. Thank you for your prayers.

May the rest of today be filled with wonder and amazement as you are yet again surprised by the gift & grace of God.