Daniel Nicewonger - Spiritual Formation Catalyst

Birth

December 12, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

In a very real way I got to celebrate the birth of something yesterday.

Today was the first time I have held a copy of The Journey Continues in my hands.

I had seen the proofs, read the e-book but something about holding a copy of the printed book in my hand brought the project to completion.

The Journey Continues is available for purchase today. Inside you will find the story of my journey over the past few years and how God has met me in the midst of chaos and helped me find Joy amongst the struggles.

Please feel free to share with your friends, families and anyone who may benefit from sharing in the journey.

#TJCdn

Thank You

December 11, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

THANK YOU – For the past few weeks, the many groups and people who call First Baptist Church home have helped us collect 520 lbs of rice to supportKACS Christmas Baskets.

Thank you to Monte Horeb, JAM Daycare, and all the groups that use our facility throughout the week who contributed to the collection.

I am humbled by your generosity. It brings JOY to my heart as together we care for others in our community. I am reminded that alone 500 lbs of rice is a big commitment. When we come together around an idea and work together the big becomes small.

Over the past few weeks I have watched as 520 lbs of rice has been collected a few pounds at a time. Ten pounds here, twenty there. I would walk out from my office and find someone had left two bags in the middle of the day. Nobody did this by themselves. If we had to do it by ourselves we may have given up or never taken on the challenge. Together we accomplished something great.

What is our next “big” project to serve those in need?

My new book, The Journey Continues is now available.

“Dan, where do you see God in the midst of all this season?” In the midst of colon cancer! Cancer was not my plan. That was/is not the question. Where in the midst of this journey have you seen God at work? Slowly, very slowly, and sometimes better than others I have begun to wrestle with that question.

The Results are In

December 8, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 5 Comments

The results are in. We are thankful for the way my body is responding to treatments.

myPennMedicine

I love myPennMedicine.

It is an online program that allows me to look and see upcoming appointments, test results, and allows me to directly message my doctors. A few days after I complete my scans the results show up on myPennMedicine and I get to see the results before I go to the doctor’s office.

When a new message or test result shows up it is highlighted in bold. Once you read the item the bold disappears so you can keep track of what you have viewed. A few days ago I started checking to see if my latest scan results were there. When I went on to look all my test results showed I had already viewed them, which led me to believe they were old results.

Confusion

As Nancy and I were pulling out of the church parking lot on the way to my oncologist’s office I asked if she had seen any of my test results. She said, “yes.” Surprised I looked over and she was sitting quietly not sharing anything else. Immediately my thoughts went very dark, “Nancy has known for days that my results are bad, she does not want to share them with me and is waiting for the doctor to deliver the news.” After a few moments, I said, “Well, what are they?” Nancy smiled and said everything is fine.

It turns out she went on a few days ago and read the results, which made them appear as old messages. The truth is I waffle back and forth between wanting to know early and wanting to wait to hear the interpretations of my oncologist. Nancy was simply honoring my past requests to wait until my appointment to hear the results.

The rest of the drive to the oncologist’s was filled with laughter at the way she had fooled me into believing my results had yet to show up.

Saroha speaks

When I finally got to see the results there was plenty of good news.

Dr. Saroha said my bloodwork has returned to normal. The side effects of the last round of chemo treatment have disappeared and my bloodwork is much better.

In May of 2016 my first scan results listed the metastases on my liver as innumerable. This last scan numbers them between 10 to 20. There are three metastases that we track with each scan. There was no growth in any of the metastases present and one, in particular, showed “significant” reduction.

All in all, it was a great report. The truth remains that cancer will continue to be a part of my journey. I am thankful for the being able to walk it the way I have up to this point.

The Journey Continues

“Life will never be the same after hearing the words, ‘you have cancer.’ I am thankful for the life-giving and life-affirming ‘transformations’ that have come along on this journey. Cancer has helped me slow down, celebrate what truly matters, and not get distracted by secondary things.”

The Journey Continues is available in hardcover, softcover and as an ebook.

To order a copy of The Journey Continues.

Ready for a Drink

December 5, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Last week I had scans done of my chest and abdomen. Monday I had bloodwork drawn. Friday I will hear the results from all those tests.

It is my normal, every three to four-month tests that we run to see if my cancer is behaving or starting to grow again.

Last August Nicole, my PA, shared the results of my latest scans and told me to, “go get a beer.” It was her way of saying everything looked good. Nicole was happy with what she saw, or did not see, and she wanted me to relax and enjoy life.

I have resisted calling the office early and asking for Nicole. Part of me wants to know what the results are. Another piece of me is totally fine not knowing for a few more days.

The Roller Coaster

I cannot explain the feelings and emotions that move within my body and soul as I wait to hear how I am doing. When I went to get my blood drawn on Monday all the nurses were asking, “Dan, how are you doing?” I just laughed and said, “That is why I am here, so you can tell me how I am doing.”

The further I get from my last treatment the better I feel physically. The more energy I have and the clearer my mind thinks. There is much to celebrate. At the same time, there is this haunting idea that while all appears to be good my cancer is slowly growing inside me. I have no reason to think that way, it is just something I wonder about from time to time.

You would think that after two-plus years of this journey I would have grown used to this rollercoaster. That is far from the truth. While I struggle to remember how I moved pre-cancer this new reality has become very familiar. [Read more…]

Setting Captives Free

November 1, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

I have moved like a “captive set free” these past few weeks. My body is slowly regaining strength and energy.

Treatment Update

Last Friday Nancy and I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Saroha. I was clearly in a different place than I have been in the past few weeks. The results from my blood work had returned, and everything was back within normal range. Looking at my labs, everything was “unremarkable.”

My CEA, which had proved to be such a good marker for how my treatment was progressing is not so accurate these days. We still watch it, those numbers are important, yet Dr. Saroha is not as concerned if they rise or fall. I am still under the “normal” threshold so we are at peace with that.

The person I remember

As we walked into Dr. Saroha’s office, it was clear I was not the person who left only a few short weeks ago. I have had energy, and my schedule has been filled with meetings and appointments. The past few weeks I have been moving much more like pre-cancer Dan.

The change has been so significant that I even questioned if maybe it would be wise to resume some form of treatment. Having given my body a short rest, maybe it was time to push forward and aggressively treat the cancer growing in my body. When I proposed that idea to Dr. Saroha he told me to relax and enjoy the break for as long as it lasts. He cannot, or will not, give me any sense of how much time away from treatment I should expect. It is classic Dr. Saroha.

Moving Forward

Following the Thanksgiving holiday I will have scans to see how my body is responding to this break from treatment. I will not know anything until then. Based upon those results, we will plot a course forward.

I find this season both exciting and anxiety causing.

Exciting

This week is filled with a lot of pre-cancer Dan type activities. I traveled to Boston to be part of my Nehemiah Network cohort. I spent time with a group of fellow pastors who are interested in working to bring about renewal and revival to their congregations. It is always good to spend time with like-minded people and to learn from each other.

While in Boston Nancy and I got to spend some time with great friends. A few decades ago we served as youth leaders at Maplewood Baptist Church. The relationships built there are sacred. When we gather together the years melt away, it feels as if we were together just last weekend. It was good to laugh, tell stories, and catch up on life.

Setting Captives Free

Tomorrow I will be heading off to a conference where we will wrestle with issues of guilt and shame. One of my favorite passages of scripture is found in Luke, chapter 4. Jesus is in the synagogue at Nazareth. He reads from the scroll of the prophet Isaiah.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor.
He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives,
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set free those who are oppressed,
To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.”

“Proclaim release to the captives, to set free those who are oppressed.” The older I become, the more convinced I am that Jesus was speaking of much more than incarceration with these words. Many of us are held captive by guilt and shame. We allow our past and the thoughts of others to shape how we view ourselves and relationship with God. Jesus boldly declares, “I have come to set the captives free.”

Part of my day tomorrow will be spent wrestling to understand how Jesus can set us free from the powerful spirits of guilt and shame.

Anxiety

I am anxious because I do not know what is going on inside my body. Truth be told I felt the same way as we started my last break. Every ache, pain, season of feeling tired causes me to wonder if the cancer is growing. Over time I learned how to relax and enjoy the season God has given me. I am praying for a similar experience this time.

Book Progress

“The Journey Continues” has moved from the editorial to design stage. I am excited to see this project come near completion. There will be a proof to review and then we will head into the production stage. I do not have a clear timeline on when it will be complete. You can be sure I will share it with you once the book is available.

Breaktime

October 2, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 8 Comments

Nancy and I met with Dr. Saroha last Friday. We made a temporary decision regarding chemo treatments. It is time to chase quality of life.

Dr. Appointment

Nancy and I met with Dr. Saroha last Friday.

The three of us decided that now was a good time to take a break from chemotherapy.

My blood work reveals that my body is wearing down under the constant barrage of chemo. During this break we will be doing blood work and scans to monitor my progress and should anything of concern arise we will jump right back into treatment mode.

Last time we entered a break like this I was chemo free for a whole year. I am hopeful for the same thing this time around.

To be very clear, we are not giving up on treatments. I am going to be doing everything I can to strengthen my body during this break so that when treatment resumes I will be stronger and better able to handle it.

To be very clear, in another direction, this break does not mean that my cancer is in remission. Quite the opposite. It is present in my liver and we will be watching to see when it begins to grow again. This round of treatment has done what we wanted, we have shrunk tumors and beat it back, yet the stuff still exists.

How do you feel?

I was reading my blog from the last time I took a break and I am having some of the same feelings this time.

There is something unsettling about stopping treatment when you know it is the treatment that is fighting the cancer. Last break it took me six to eight weeks to relax and enjoy life. I felt every pain, twinge and ache as if the cancer was growing in my body. Once I was able to relax we enjoyed a full year chemo free.

I am glad to be taking a break. I am also a little nervous for what that means long-term.

Dr. Sarhoa assured me that this was normal and that it was good for me to be doing. So far his wisdom and guidance has proven to be true in every situation.

Where is that book?

I am in the process of reviewing the editor’s suggestions regarding the book. Once that step is complete we will head into the production phase. I am hopeful that we will have this project complete and available by the end of this year. I will keep you posted.

How 2 Do It

September 22, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Walking well with someone who is fighting long-term or terminal illness is not easy. My friend Andrea offers one example of how to do it well.

WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may have caught a couple “shout outs” to Andrea. When it was time to get a tattoo there were thoughts of getting them together. She is a “fan” of the chemo man purse and somehow sees it as a fashion statement. So, who is this woman?

Andrea and I met when she was in Jr. high. She was a member of the youth group at Maplewood Baptist Church. Andrea was full of energy and we had a great relationship.

At one point she kept telling me about this great Christian Slater movie, Kuffs. I just had to see it. One Saturday she took Nancy and myself to the movies to see it. As the movie opens Slater’s character and his girlfriend dance around their apartment clad only in their underwear. Andrea sat frozen in her seat, head down, eyes up, beat red. She muttered, “Forgot about this part.” We laugh about it to this day. (Okay, I laugh about it.)

I had the honor of performing Andrea’s wedding. It was a special day. As the years roll on our families stay connected.

QUALITY VS QUANTITY

One of the most fascinating things about this cancer journey has been conversations with my oncologist about quality vs quantity of life. Prior to meeting Dr. Saroha, I would have said, “I will take both thank you very much.” There was never any reason to think in such heavy or deep ways. The goal was to have it all, quality and quantity.

From the beginning of my treatment Dr. Saroha has been clear there will be seasons where we will choose quantity on life. In those moments it will be up to me to fight through side effects and labor through whatever treatment is appropriate. At other times we will decide that it is time for a break from all the treatments, time for my body to recover, and heal. Time for my quality of life to improve.

Those have never been easy conversations, but they have become part of my “new normal.” Nancy and I find it much easier to slip into the quality vs quantity conversation than we first did. [Read more…]

Blog 2 Book

September 21, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Have you ever found yourself mid story, realizing you were speaking a deeper truth? While sharing “ancient” history, I found myself revealing the profound.

PASTOR, YOU MUST DO THIS

Shawn and his family

Shawn stood in my office telling me what I had to do. He was convinced that it was important. I protested, my time was limited, there was no band-width to add one more thing. “Dan, if you want to reach people today you MUST have a blog.”

A RECURRING CONVERSATION

This was not the first time Shawn and I had spoken this way. He was convinced a blog was important. I was equally as convinced that I had no time for such a thing. What would I write? The idea of generating content of value for one more thing was not appealing. I wanted to do things well, the amount of time needed to write quality could not be found on my current calendar.

DISMISSAL

Shawn kept after me. Each time he came with new ideas on how something like a blog would fit into my life. “Dan, you could use your sermons as content.” “My sermons are rarely written in text form, I generate an outline and speak from that. Taking time to turn an outline into text worthy of public consumption is too much.” “Pastor, you write a newsletter article each month. You could simply use that as part of your blog content.” “That is written specifically for the people of this congregation, it is not for wider consumption.” I had an answer for everything he brought to me. Shawn was not deterred, he returned a few days later with a new suggestion. [Read more…]

Seasons of Turmoil

September 13, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

While seasons of chaos and turmoil are normal they can become stressful. Young and old there are things in this world that add stress. Where are we to turn when the stress begins to mount?

Rocking the “Man Purse”

A shout out to Traci & Andrea. Here is your OLD friend (yes, I caught the reference, you can call me OLD anytime you want) “rocking his man purse” of chemotherapy.

Maintenance Round ?

I have lost track of what number round of maintenance chemo this was. It was the hardest yet. Monday was chemo day. Tuesday I was full of energy and had a very productive day. Wednesday, I slept the day away. Today, Thursday, I moved as if my mind was in a fog. Next Friday I meet with my oncologist. It is time for one of those conversations where we talk about the tension between prolonging and quality of life. It is close to time, if it is not already time, to take a break from chemotherapy and have an increase in quality of life.

A Season of Chaos

Have you ever been in one of those seasons of life where no matter where you look life seems to be chaotic and out of control? Professionally things seem to be in turmoil. Family is going through significant transitions and everyone is feeling the stress. Last time it rained the roof leaked, in a different spot. I could go on, but you get my point.

Looking for Bambi

Rayann was driving me home tonight when I laughed and said, “You know, this is just about the time for us to hit a deer.” Rayann slowed right down as if there was a deer in the road. I laughed even harder and said, “I do not see anything, but the way life feels right now it would seem appropriate for a couple to deer to jump out, one from each side of the road, and crash into our car.” We had a good laugh the rest of the way home. Rayann was driving slower and looking closer for deer.

Can I Get a Break, Please

I am sure that I am not alone in experiencing seasons such as this. Life is not always easy and there are difficult times. Times where it feels as if nothing is going right. Seasons where you wonder, “when will we/I catch a break.”

It is into seasons such as this that the Spirit of God gently speaks, “I am here.” [Read more…]

From Worry to Adventure

September 8, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Ready for Adventure

Kevin O’Brien, S.J. begins The Ignatian Adventure with these words:

As we’ve seen, Ignatius of Loyola as a young man left his family home in Spain to embark on an adventure that would transform countless lives, beginning with his own. Traveling across Europe and the Mediterranean, he would learn that the greatest adventures in life were not always geographic. The adventure that God had in store for Ignatius was about traveling the distance between the head and the heart and about inspiring in Ignatius bold, holy desires for God’s greater glory and the service of others.

The Furthest Journey

Bubble Fun at Mushroom Festival Parade

That distance between the head and the heart can often the furthest distance ever traveled. We live in a world where it is easy for many of us to catch a plane and travel halfway around the world at a moments notice. Travel that used to take days, even months, we now do in mere hours. Yet, that distance between the head and heart often remains worlds apart.

We may KNOW what is right, yet BELIVING those same things to the point where we are moved to action is often a different story. It is the difference between knowing something in your head and believing it within your heart.

I may know a truth about who God is. Until I believe it, that knowledge will do little to move me to act. The distance between head and heart is often the furthest journey we ever take in our lives. [Read more…]