Daniel Nicewonger - Spiritual Formation Catalyst

Caregivers Journey

September 7, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Mushroom Festival Parade Fun

This past week I was talking with a fellow cancer patient and we spoke of how the journey often seems harder for those traveling with the patient.

THE WORLD SPINS

At first glance that may seem unreasonable or even a little insensitive. Stick with me for a few minutes, understand that I write as someone who has battled cancer the past two years.

When the doctor speaks those words, “you have cancer” everyone’s world starts to spin. The patient is immediately forced to deal with issues of mortality and grief. Grief over the life experiences cancer may rob them of. Both patient and caregiver are forced into learning a new language as they seek to develop and follow a treatment plan.

Caregivers and loved ones begin to deal with grief, loss, and develop a plan of attack to “cure” this illness that is attacking their loved one. Caregivers lives are thrown in turmoil. Suddenly they are taking care of household chores and someone who until recently was taking care of themselves and contributing to the well-being of the family.

NEWFOUND CLARITY

Over time the patient is “given room” to process the issues they are dealing with. There is a moment when most come to grips with their mortality. In that moment a new set of priorities become clear. What was once important may fade into the background as they want to invest the remainder of their lives into what is “truly important.” Cancer may ultimately win, but it will not rob them of investing what life remains into what is of the highest value. [Read more…]

How Long

September 4, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 6 Comments

It has been a few weeks since I last shared anything. Life has been busy and I have been adjusting to maintenance chemo. I have found myself wrestling with the question, “How long?”

Maintenance Chemo

We have removed one drug. My treatments are shorter. I still have to carry my “man purse” of chemo for a few days following treatment. If I could get rid of that “man purse” following treatments I would be thrilled. I am attached to this pump until the Wednesday of treatment weeks. For days later I move like I am still connected to it.

A few more treatments and we will do scans to see how things are progressing. There is little expectation that lesions will shrink. Our goal now is to keep things from growing. We are looking to hear that things are “unremarkable.” [Read more…]

What’s in a Name?

August 15, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

I love going out to eat. Part of the fun is meeting our wait staff for the evening. Most often it is someone I have never met before. Strangers brought together around the desire for a good meal and the need for a job. I find names fascinating. The more unique the name, the more fascinated I become. At some point during our brief interaction I am often led to ask, “So, what does your name mean.” I find the more unique the name the more likely the individual knows the deeper meaning behind it.

Adebola

A few months ago Nancy and I were out to dinner and our server introduced himself, “Good evening, my name is Adebola. I will be your server tonight.” Everything came to a stop right there. Nancy hung her head as I began my inquisition regarding the spelling and meaning behind his name. He smiled when I said, “That name is uique, I don’t believe I have heard it before, how do you spell it?” When I asked what it meant he stood a little straighter and said, “Royalty meets Wealth.”

Wow, what a name. Talk about something that points to a future. Nothing normal or average in this young man’s future. He knew very clearly the deeper meaning behind his name. I can imagine his parents speaking the greater truth of his name into his life from a very young age. I would love to know what the future holds for him. “Royalty meets Wealth.”

What’s in a Name?

Daniel means “God is my Judge”. My name has always carried deeper meaning for me. It reminds me of the Daniel from the Old Testament and his commitment to follow the leading of Abba Father in the midst of the most difficult circumstances. No matter what chaos and turmoil presented itself in his life Daniel worked to remain obedient to the teachings of God. His commitment to God raised the chaos in his life, even put his life in danger, but Daniel had confidence in the faithfulness of God. “God is my Judge”…not those who happen to live and move around me. “God is my Judge”…not those who speak words of condemnation and chaos upon me. I seek to hear the words “Well done good and faithful servant” from one, and only one voice in my life…”God is my Judge.”

Christian

Christian is a name that gets tossed around pretty easily these days. We label many individuals and things as Christian. We like labels. The name Christian means “Christ follower.” A Christ follower is one who has accepted the teachings of Christ and is working to live their lives based upon those teachings. There is much in our world that carrys the label Christian and yet is far from living and moving as a true Christ follower.

Names are important. They have the power to identify and speak life into people. As a Christian my label is a constant reminder that I should be following the teachings of Christ. Sure, I will fall short. Fall short on a daily basis, but I should not be okay with that. I must “daily pick up my cross to follow the one whose name I carry.”

A New Day

It is time for all who carry the name of Christ to begin to live into that name. To lay aside the things of this world. To adopt the teachings of Jesus and learn to speak them with grace and power into all situations. The world is tired of watching those who carry the name Christian live exactly the same as those who carry other names.

“Christ Follower”…stop following those who promise you something today or tomorrow.

May the world see “Christ Followers” who know and strive to live the teachings of Jesus each moment of their lives.

Maintenance Chemo Round 1

August 13, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Today was maintenance chemo round 1. We removed the drug Irinotecan from my treatment plan. While very effective in my treatment it also carries the most unpleasant side effects. The idea is that the remaining drugs will keep my cancer from growing and we will stay in the “stable” zone for a season.

Quantity & Quality

There is no end date for this maintenance chemotherapy. It will all depend upon how my body responds. As Dr. Saroha makes treatment plans we talk about quantity and quality of life. It is a balancing act. The goal is to increase quantity while not decreasing quality. There are times we make decisions for the sake of quantity (like pursuing this round of maintenance chemo) while quality takes a back seat. Other times quality wins out (as in the break I took from all treatment) and we monitor my tumors until they resume growth and have an impact upon quantity. The whole thing is a balancing act. I am very glad to have Dr. Sarhoa walking with me through this. He is sensitive to both quantity and quality and is passionate about finding the correct balance for me. If I can handle this maintenance chemo well we will accomplish increasing both quantity and quality.

Feeling Positive

Tonight I am feeling much better than I have following my last twelve (12) aggressive chemo treatments. My nausea is much better. For the past twelve treatments I would be taking my nausea medicine around the clock following chemotherapy. So far I am handling this new regimen much better. If this is a sign of what is to come I am feeling positive about increasing both quantity and quality at the same time…a win-win for me.

New Learning

During treatment today I learned something new. My nurses do not want me to suffer during treatment. They have ways to treat just about every side effect and get frustrated if you do not share the reality of your experience. Their goal is to make treatment as easy and comfortable as possible. I have learned that it is best not to suffer in silence, my caregivers want to know and help. Early this morning my nausea was rough. On the way to treatment I was in rough shape and had to stop and get some things to try and settle my stomach. A few hours into my treatment I shared with my nurses that my nausea was bad and getting worse. “We have not given you anything that would cause you nausea yet, your chemo drugs will start in a few minutes.” I laughed, and asked what we had been doing for the past few hours if I had yet to get chemo drugs. We do an hour worth of fluids, some nausea medicine and other drugs BEFORE the chemo drugs. I knew we were right on schedule but it was kind of funny.

This explains some things

“Maybe you have “anticipatory nausea?” Anticipatory nausea…what in the world is that? Well, it turns out “anticipatory nausea” is a real thing. Your body comes to know and recognize times when nausea effects you and symptoms arise before the actual event. My nurse shared that some people have nausea as soon as they get up on treatment day. Others start to feel the effects on the car ride to the office. Still others are overcome as they walk in the office door. The longer she talked the more I recognized pieces of my own life. Anticipating treatment has often led me to feel poorly and this new idea certainly helps explain some things.

Our Amazing Bodies

Throughout this journey I have been amazed by the human body. My body’s ability to anticipate, heal, survive is humbling. I give Abba Father all praise and honor. There have been times my body has know what was to come and began to anticipate what was coming in very real and physical ways. This is just another new way to view and think about the journey. It is clear this is not something that is just “in your head.” Our bodies are very beautiful things and take steps in the future based upon past experiences. Up till now the most vivid illustration of this was when I started my second round of chemo. I had been chemo free for a whole year. As soon as treatment started my body recognized what was going on. The side effects that took months to show up during round one were present by the second treatment round two. Dr. Saroha explained that my body “recognized” what was happening and reverted to feeling and acting like it did at the end of my first round. It was kind of like a light switch being turned on, instant side effects.

Participatory?

The upside is that I can anticipate the “anticipatory nausea” and begin taking some drugs to counteract it early on my treatment days. On the way home from treatment I asked Nancy if she wanted to join me with some “participatory nausea”. Much like a husband has sympathy pains while their wife is pregnant…she could join me in my nausea. My suggested was greeted with a look of disdain. Nancy is a great support but I think she drew the line at “participatory nausea.” 🙂

God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good … even when the “anticipatory nausea comes my way.

“Get a Beer”

August 10, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

My lesions

I had scans done Wednesday. An MRI and CT scan to track how my treatment is progressing. Tomorrow (Friday) I meet with the oncologist to determine future treatment plans. You may remember that I have an excel sheet which is tracking the size of my lesions (tumors). Seems kind of funny to call them “my lesions”. Truth is they have become a big part of my life. These tiny, measured in millimeters, lesions are really shaping the way I experience and live life.

Scan Results

The scan reports are in. My nurses and doctors can see them. However, the results are not posted on my medical portal yet. The nurses are not allowed to share the results with me. My nurses, the ones who would help me see the results, are not working today. After a phone call to the doctor’s office to try and get numbers for the excel sheet Nicole called.

“Be happy”

Nicole is my PA. She is great, and I have grown to really appreciate her. When I answered her call she said, “Go get a beer, the results look great!” Not one for simple answers I pressed her for numbers. “How big are the lesions? Are they shrinking?” She replied, “They show no signs of growth, I am happy, so you should be happy.” I pressed some more but could not get raw numbers out of her. Finally, I sighed and said, “You are happy, I should be happy…time for me to get a beer…see you in the morning.” She laughed and said she would see me in the morning.

I was hoping to get some numbers to plug into my excel sheet before meeting with Dr. Saroha but if Nicole is happy, I am happy.

More Maintenance Chemo

Today I met with my oncologist. Dr. Saroha and I talked about all kinds of options moving forward. There were the normal three options. Continue high dose chemotherapy, take a full break, or do maintenance chemo. We decided to run a course of maintenance chemotherapy starting this coming Monday. In my case maintenance chemo involves removing one drug and keeping the same treatment schedule. It should be less impactful to my body and yet still be therapeutic.

Numbers

I finally got a look at the numbers from my scans. They did not show any growth, but they certainly did not show any signs of shrinking either. “Stable is good” was the word for the day. This was what my team had expected, and they were pleased with the results. Apparently after a certain time the treatments have a less dramatic effect upon the tumors and things plateau. Where we once saw marked decrease in size the goal is now to see stability (no growth).

Disappointment

I was hoping for a full break. It would have been nice. I could have taken one if I had pushed for it. So far on this journey Dr. Saroha has been largely correct about what we have seen and experienced. His expectations and predictions have been right on and I value his opinion. When I told him my goal was to extend my life as long as possible he started to schedule my treatment for Monday. I value his opinion and am thankful to have someone so knowledgeable and compassionate walking with me through this journey. It is hard to believe we have known each other for over two years now.

I went back to my office following a quick lunch with Nancy. It was hard to focus, I was easily distracted. There were opportunities to share the news of continued treatment but I felt like holding it close for a season.

God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good

Even when you do not get to take a break and have to continue chemotherapy.

Last trip to the oncologist I noticed that there was a place on my paperwork titled “Goals”. The space underneath this category was blank. I pressed the receptionist about this. “Why is this blank?” She could not answer. I assured her that I did have a goal. “I want to be alive and kicking five years from now.” You could list that as my goal and never change it. It is one goal that will never need to be adjusted or adapted as the years progress. I intend to be “alive and kicking” five years from now! If it is my goal it ought to be listed on my paperwork. She assured me that she could help make that change…I am not holding my breath. 😊

Vanity of Vanities

July 23, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

“Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher, “Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.” … “That which has been is that which will be, And that which has been done is that which will be done. So, there is nothing new under the sun.”

So begins the book of Ecclesiastes.

Treatment 12

Monday morning I will have my twelfth (12) chemo treatment this round. This is a huge thing. The goal when we start my aggressive chemo treatments is that my body will be able to endure twelve treatments. I am excited to reach this marker. When I had my first treatment this round back in February 2018 it was hard to imagine reaching twelve treatments.

The truth is I have been here before. My first twelfth treatment was on October 24, 2016. “That which has been is that which will be, And that which has been done is that which will be done. So, there is nothing new under the sun.”

Ponderings

I have some thoughts this Sunday evening as I ponder that which has been and that which will be.

God has been gracious and my body has handled this round of chemo much easier. I am not sure why. Sure, I have been weary and have needed naps on a regular basis…but I have also been able to do much more than I ever did back in 2016.

For the past few days Nancy and I have been spreading mulch on our back hill. I unloaded and spread about two yards of mushroom dirt the other day. Back in 2016 at this point in my treatment I needed a walking stick to move around. I have given up trying to understand what is different…I am simply thankful. [Read more…]

Seasons Change

July 19, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

The Ice Truck

The past few days have been real scorchers. Today is beautiful. Sun is out, high around 84 degrees. It is the kind of day you want to leave the office for anywhere outside.

Earlier in the day I dropped Rayann at the airport for her trip to Roatan. On my way back to church I got behind a large truck. I am an inquisitive kind of guy. What are they carrying? Turns out the truck was filled with bags of ice-melt. The kind of stuff my friends up north are very familiar with. I purchase about a dozen bags at the beginning of the fall/winter season and hope that it will be enough to get me through the winter.

It was all I could do to stop from laughing. Beautiful sunny day, high near 90 and here is the reminder…winter is just around the corner.

Seasons Change quickly

Seasons can change quickly. We are familiar with, and therefore somewhat prepared for, the changes from spring to summer to fall to winter and back to spring. There has been a pattern and we have grown accustomed to the changes. Sometimes we may spend a little more (or less) time in a particular season, but we recognize and are comfortable with the pattern.

Life has seasons. Seasons that we often do not see until we are looking backwards. [Read more…]

Long Live Excel

June 22, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

That Kind of Guy

I often joke with people that “I am an excel kind of guy.” Whatever you are talking about seems to become more real and relatable once it falls into the neat rows and columns of a spreadsheet. Maybe that could be true for my scan results.

I know, this sounds odd coming from the pastor who spends much of life wrestling with things spiritual. Struggling to understand and live out the very ideas and truths that fail to fit into the organized columns and rows of a spreadsheet.

The tension is real. I want it all nice and neat. Let me see clearly how the data falls into line and points to a clear path forward. Reality is rarely that easy. Chaos abounds. Even those things placed into the discipline of an excel spreadsheet fall prey to disorder and unpredictability.

Scan Results

Today was my oncologist visit.

We were going to be reviewing my latest scans.

I saw the results a few days ago. When I first looked at them I was less than encouraged. The numbers did not add up and were showing something less than stellar results. It was pointed out to me that where the technicians were once measuring in centimeters they were now using millimeters. By itself, that change was encouraging. [Read more…]

Right Now

June 15, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Right Now

“Right now, take a breath and hold it.” Today was scan day. This afternoon I had a CT scan of my chest and an MRI of my abdomen and liver. “Official results” will be in early next week.

As I have walked this journey the past few years I have found “unofficial” markers that have given insight into how I am doing.

Walking Uphill

For example, the walk from church to our local coffee shop is uphill. When I struggle to get uphill I know things are not going well. Yesterday I walked uphill without stopping. Now, I walked very slowly, deliberately, but I did not need to stop to catch my breath. This is important because Monday was chemo treatment number nine. Nine treatments in, and I can walk up “my hill” without stopping. God is good!

Hold Your Breath

Scan days offer another chance to view one of my “unofficial” markers. During the MRI I am asked to hold my breath on multiple occasions. When first diagnosed I was unable to hold my breath the required amount of time. Each time I was asked to “hold my breath” and be still I would be forced to exhale and take a breath after only a few seconds.

As today’s test progressed it was clear I was doing better. Each time I heard, “Right now, take a breath and hold it” I was able to make it until I heard “Ok, now you can breathe.”

To be very, very, very clear. The real test results will come in a few days from now. What I am sharing with you now is purely anecdotal. Anecdotal…but encouraging.

During today’s tests God revealed something to me. [Read more…]

30 Yards of Blessing

June 10, 2018 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

When I left for church today there was a pile of mulch in our driveway. We had ordered 30 yards of mulch to cover our front hill. This hill has been a multiple year project and the mulch was a final step.

Nancy, Rayann and I had planned on slowly moving the mountain of mulch from the driveway to the hill. It was going to be a big project. We did not have many more projects planned for the summer. Thirty yards of mulch work out to be about 270 wheelbarrow loads.

There was a day when pushing loads of mulch around the yard was no big deal. These days one or two loads and I would need a nap. Every time I looked at that mountain of mulch it seemed to be getting bigger. [Read more…]