Background Noise
The other day I referred to my cancer as “background noise” as I went about the business of living life. A friend had asked how I was doing. There was concern for me, concern for Nancy as we stand ready to enter a new phase of this journey. My answer surprised them, it surprised me.
Throughout life I have come to recognize that I often do some of my best processing or learning on the fly. I will speak my truth in the midst of a conversation and find myself returning to the comment again and again. Over time I come to see that what was spoken “on the fly” revealed something much deeper about who I am or what I was thinking.
The past few days I have found myself returning to this idea that my cancer is nothing more than “background noise.” [Read more…]
Friday was colonoscopy day.
So this may be a little deep for a Saturday afternoon. I own that. I won’t apologize for it…but I will own it. I have been wrestling with some thoughts the past few weeks that have really had me thinking. Thinking about life and how we go about living it. Often when a preacher preaches people in the pews (or web), can feel as if they are being preached AT. Please know that as I write I am speaking to myself, trying to put together the reality of my life experience and maybe, just maybe there are truths that apply to others.
“Come on, don’t be a loser.” This was what my dad said as he held out the wasabi peas to me and my brother. Of course we didn’t want to be losers, so we ate them, jumped around a bit and then smiled at the fact that we were not losers. Dares like that are a common thing with him. They are usually followed by what I now call “The Look” from my mother. He was always joking around and daring someone to do something. One of the jokes I could never seem to get was the “Rayann your food looks a little weird. Let me smell it to make sure it’s ok.” of course I didn’t want weird food, so I would hand him my food, usually an ice cream bar or something like that. He would smell it and then take a big bite. I would say something like “NO, don’t eat it all!” and my mom or brother would say, “He does that every time. You shouldn’t be falling for that!”. I fell for that for longer than I would like to admit. My dad and I have always been partners. We have our own traditions; things that my mother and brother were usually not included in. Our Dunkin donuts mornings are one of my favorites.
ntain dew. That was one of the best parts of going somewhere with Dad, you almost always got to do something mom wouldn’t approve of. We would sit there for a while, I would eat my breakfast and then it was off to school. That’s another reason why those mornings were so amazing. I got to come to school late. My dad would walk me down the hallway, passing moms classroom on the way. Mom knew this was a tradition of ours. Luckily, my teacher liked me enough, so she didn’t mind I was late. She probably wasn’t thrilled about my breakfast choice that morning. The jelly donut has always been my favorite. We don’t really go out for that anymore, but my dad still has his ways of bringing it back. On my fifteenth birthday my dad went out that morning and got me fifteen jelly donuts. There is one birthday that was just me and my dad the whole day.
and my dad. We planned out a whole day. We started by eating a nutritious breakfast, which was a cinnabon, the biggest cinnamon roll I have ever had. The next stop was the movies. I picked out “Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore”. My dad, being the good sport he is, made it through the movie. Next on the agenda was the pottery place. We each picked out something to paint. I picked out a little dog and Dad picked out a little plate. At the time I thought a plate was a pretty boring choice, but I didn’t question it. I painted my dog purple with pink dots. My dad took the plate and put “Happy Birthday Rayann” in the middle and then put “2010” at the bottom. On the sides he put peace signs, which at the time I was obsessed with. Both the dog and plate have a spot on the hutch. By that time it was probably around 2pm, it was time for lunch. I had picked out the Cheesecake Factory. I figured it would be great considering my dad and I are both cheesecake lovers. The restaurant was a pretty fancy place. I ordered shrimp thinking it would be like the popcorn shrimp I like; it wasn’t. When it came out I must have looked a little overwhelmed because Dad laughed a bit. Overall it was pretty good, but I was there for the cheesecake. I ordered a slice of Reese’s cheesecake. I was expecting a nice little slice, but what I got was a pretty big slice. I was able to eat a little bit of it, but decided it would be better to take it home. After that it was time to go home. When we got home my mom had invited my grandparents, my Aunt and Uncle and younger cousins over. She had made my favorite meal and favorite sides. Nana also made banana pudding which is my favorite desert. My dad and I just looked at each other and kind of laughed because we weren’t really hungry, we had spent the day eating. That was one of my best birthdays. Not all my favorite memories with my dad involve food.
for it. He asked me what color I wanted to paint it, purple was the answer. The next thing we had to do was find tires for it. We went to about three different stores before we found the right size. The next thing we had to do was put it together. That didn’t take too long. I thought we were all finished, but he went to the store one more time. When he came back he had sticker letters to put on it. They spelled out my name. That may not seem like a big deal, but with a name like “Rayann” I rarely ever find anything with my name on it, so it was a big deal. I was pretty excited with the finished product. I had my own purple wagon with my name on it. I still have the wagon. Anytime yard work is involved, I bring it out.
