Daniel Nicewonger - Spiritual Formation Catalyst

Reacting and Responding

February 2, 2020 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Reacting and responding are the two words that best describe life in the Nicewonger household for the past few months. In the midst of it all…God is Good!

REACTING TO MOM’S FALL:

Mom took a tumble in the church parking lot on December 8th. The next month and a half were spent reacting and responding to the myriad of issues her fall unearthed. Thankfully mom did not break anything. She did receive news about restrictions on what life would look like post-fall. Mom and Dad decided to move into The Friend’s Home in early January. They are living there now. I do not think it is fair to say they are settled. They are settling.

The Friends Home is a short walk from First Baptist Church of Kennett Square. I can join them for lunch at least once a week. If they need assistance, I can get there quickly and help as we all transition to a new season of life.

Between my surgery in November and mom’s fall in early December, this year’s holiday season seemed to fly by. It felt like we were holding on for mere survival rather than taking time to enjoy the holidays as we have in the past. Nancy and I find ourselves looking for a moment to sneak away and be still, so we can stop reacting to chaos. [Read more…]

Life Update

December 27, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

2019 is going out with a bang! My treatment schedule is progressing well.

LIFE HAS A WAY

The last time I posted anything was December 6th. Two days later, life took an unexpected and rather crazy turn. Mom fell on her way to church and ended up in the hospital. She stayed there for a few days and has been in rehab since then. Dad came to live with Nancy and me while mom was recovering.

TRANSITIONS

During that time, mom and dad decided to transition from their home to the Friends Home in Kennett Square. Nancy and I have been spending lots of time helping them get ready for the move. Daily trips to visit mom (twice a day) bring great joy to both mom and dad. They have been together for fifty-seven years. This time apart is very disorienting and disturbing for them both. Everyone is anxious and excited to make a move to the Friends Home.

TREATMENT CONTINUES

During all the transitions in mom and dad’s life, I have continued my bi-weekly treatments. So far, I am handling them fairly well. It is hard to determine if my feelings of fatigue are related to chemotherapy treatments or the other transitions taking place in our world.

My treatment schedule is falling into something of a recognizable pattern. Adding a second oncologist and second treatment day does make for some interesting looking calendars, but the longer it continues the more familiar it becomes.

PUMP ACCESS

Every other Tuesday, I travel to Philadelphia to access my pump. The plan is to fill it with chemotherapy every other visit. The pump will run for two weeks giving chemotherapy directly to my liver. The times we do not fill it with chemotherapy, we use saline to ensure the lines do not clot and the pump remains functioning. Accessing the pump is fairly straightforward and is a technical marvel. The process takes no more than twenty minutes.

SYSTEMIC CHEMOTHERAPY

On Wednesday, after my pump access, I visit Dr. Saroha and we do a systemic chemotherapy treatment. We are using one familiar drug and one new drug. I am experiencing all the expected side effects, and am managing them as well as can be expected.

One side effect is acne. Rayann has passed on some of her cast-off facial wash products, and I now have a more elaborate and detailed personal hygiene program than when I was in high-school. Go figure; I dodged bad acne in my teen years to get it when I was in my fifties!

WHERE AM I?

Spiritually, emotionally, physically, I waffle between times of great strength and periods of utter exhaustion. In the midst of it all, I am constantly reminded that “God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good.”

THE SPIRIT SPEAKS

Just this afternoon, I was in the office and had a conversation with a friend that reminded me of how God works best in the midst of weakness. They shared a story of utter weakness and how in the midst of it, God helped them see things clearly. As they talked, it was clear that a season most of us would consider an utter disaster was being used for good. How is it that God so often uses our weakest moments to accomplish the most in us and through us?

I am humbled by the privilege and honor to continue on my journey, whatever it may hold.

I am confident that there will be times of great JOY, along with seasons of struggle. Praise God that one thing remains true. In the midst of it all, I (we) do not have to walk alone.

In preparing this post I came across a previous post that really spoke to me. It was one of those times your words are directed more inward than outward. A time you speak healing and wholeness to yourself more than to others. It came from my journal, a very private place, and I share it here again. The words spoke to me, maybe they will to you, My Private Wrestling.

MOVING FORWARD

There are many partially completed posts sitting in a file ready to be finished. I am praying that in the next few weeks, life will return to some semblance of “normal” (whatever that is), and I can get back to writing on a more regular basis.

Until then, know that I (we) are well. Thank you for your prayers.

May the rest of today be filled with wonder and amazement as you are yet again surprised by the gift & grace of God.

Mom’s Knitting Gift

December 6, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

Thank you for your support and prayers during my journey. Maybe I can help with some of your Christmas gifts?

One of my favorite pictures of mom. Captures a moment of pure joy.

A Knitter’s Journey

My mom has always been a knitter. She knit me a sweater years ago that remains my all-time favorite. Nancy and I were living in upstate NY when mom made it. In the coldest of winter I could leave my jacket at home when I was wearing that sweater.

At some point, mom began to knit baby blankets, hats, and booties for the Capital City Rescue Mission. Each year they did an auction to benefit the mission. Mom would donate several blankets to be auctioned off. It became part of her service. A giving back that she could do each evening as mom and dad sat quietly at home.

The Knitting Gives Back

Over time mom began to struggle with memory issues. While some everyday tasks became struggles, her knitting became a place of refuge. She found comfort within the routine and pattern of needles and yarn.

When mom and dad moved to be near us three years ago she was worried that nobody would want her knitting. Far from the mission she was concerned nobody would find her gift valuable. I assured her that plenty of people would. I encouraged her to keep knitting as long as it made her happy. Knitting fills a big part of each day. It brings peace, comfort, and joy. [Read more…]

Three Weeks Post Surgery

December 2, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Tomorrow will mark three weeks post-surgery. I am ever so slowly starting to feel more like myself. Resting to recover is not a strength of mine.

Recovering

I have spent the better part of the past two weeks resting. I move from my bed to a chair and watch mind-numbing hours of television. I am increasingly convinced that the downfall of the western world will come through what we are led to believe is “must-see tv.”

Today (Monday, December 2nd) is the first day I have truly felt like doing anything more than simply trying to make it through the day till bedtime. Resting to recover is not a strength of mine.

A big part of my struggle has been the “bug” that I picked up during my last night in the hospital. Throughout the years, I have heard the phrase, “sharing is caring” …but honestly, my roommate could have cared just a little less, and I would have been fine.

Miscommunication

Nancy and I received word that my next appointments would come the Monday after Thanksgiving, so we made a quick run to North Carolina for Thanksgiving. I wanted to see Joseph. I also wanted Nancy to have an opportunity to see her family before my treatment began. I know she will not leave me to go visit once I enter treatment. We arrived the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

On the Monday of Thanksgiving week, I got a text and phone message setting up an appointment for the next day in Philadelphia. After a few calls it was determined that I did indeed need to be seen before Thanksgiving. We left late Monday and arrived home Tuesday evening.

While not the trip we planned we did get to see Joseph and spend time with our family down south. The travel was very smooth and I felt well enough to drive part of the way.

[Read more…]

WINDS AND WAVES

November 24, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

While conducting a friend’s memorial service, I was reminded that “When our hearts are troubled, He (Jesus) brings peace; we have both faith and fear.”

Lynn Hoffman

Lynn Hoffman was a good friend of mine.

I was much younger than Lynn. She could have been my mother. We met when I arrived at First Baptist Church of Kennett Square. Lynn worked in the pre-school classroom of JAM Christian Daycare. The children in her class were “her” kids. She loved them as her own and wanted the absolute best for each one of them. In short, she was the kind of daycare teacher every parent prays for.

Our relationship grew out of mutual respect. I had great respect for the way Lynn ran her class. She always wanted “her kids” to be learning and growing. I admired the effort she put into the classroom. Lynn appreciated that I would stop by her room and interact with the children. When I “popped in,” she would stop everything and have the children take a moment to share something of importance to them with me. Lynn and I grew to work together very well.

A Science Experiment

One of my fondest memories is the day we did a science experiment together. I am a sucker for a new kitchen gadget. My most recent purchase was a tool that allows you to core a pineapple. I brought in two pineapples and my newest tool. The children all gathered around, and we talked of the colors and textures found on the outside of the pineapple. I asked if anybody liked pineapple, there was a loud chorus of “no.” My scientific team declared they never ate pineapple. As I slowly cored the pineapple there was all kinds of excitement. Once complete, a few brave souls tried a piece of the fresh fruit. We sat around the table sampling pieces while talking about the taste and color of the pineapple. In short order there was nothing left. Lynn was a special teacher.

Lynn’s Final Instructions

One Sunday, I was leading worship, and a new face was sitting in the back pew. As the service was wrapping up I

walked up to introduce myself. Curt (Lynn’s son) greeted me with a smile and then shared that Lynn had passed away. I expressed my sympathies and then asked if there was anything I could do to help. Curt smiled and said, “Mom was not clear on much, but she told us that you and Nancy would be doing her memorial service.” Curt and I shared a laugh at how this was “classic Lynn,” direct, clear, you knew who was in control.

Preparations

As part of any memorial service preparation, I ask to see the Bible of the person whose life we will be celebrating. Family are often skeptical of what I may find within the pages. I am rarely disappointed and often find deep insight into who the person was and how they lived their life.

As I read Lynn’s Bible, it was clear she used it well. There were notes and highlights throughout the pages.

I was drawn to one of the gospel passages Lynn had highlighted.

Mark 4:35-41

Jesus Calms the Storm

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

Lynn’s Note

Within the margin, Lynn wrote;

When our hearts are troubled, He (Jesus) brings peace; we have both faith and fear.

I was struck by the truth found in her words. We can, and often do, live with a mixture of faith and fear. Lynn’s note guided my meditation for the day.

Faith and…

Amid the storms of life, as winds howl and waves crash, it is normal to feel fear. We wonder and question what tomorrow holds. Our fear of the unknown cause us to call out, “God, don’t you care if _____ happens to me?”

It is in those moments that Jesus can/will grant us peace if we are open to receive it.

Henri Nouwen speaks of prayer as, “the intentional, concentrated, and regular effort to create space for God.”

If, in the midst of our fears, we create space for God, we will experience what Jesus talks about as a “peace that passes all understanding.”

Lynn was right. We can have both faith and fear. Beyond that we can have faith and doubt, faith and questioning, faith and anger. The list goes on.

A Quiet Confidence

Faith is not the absence of such emotions. Faith is the confidence to move forward in spite of such feelings.

The presence of fear, doubt, questioning, and anger within my life does not mean I am without faith. It simply means I am human. Life is often hard. There are moments, even seasons, where fear, doubt, questioning, and even anger speak loudly into my life. My challenge, our challenge, is that in those most difficult moments we find a way to “create space for God” so we too can know the peace of Jesus.

I am thankful that Lynn was able to remind me of this most important of lessons.

It is okay to live with faith and…

I (we) need to be at peace with that…

We (I) must create space for God…

In that space, God will help increase my faith in the face of the nastiest of storms.

Lynn’s “Compassion” Family

A big part of Lynn’s life was a generous support of children through Compassion International. She had a “second family” around the world. Children supported through Compassion receive…

When you sponsor a child with Compassion International, you help equip a child in extreme poverty with the skills and opportunities they need to succeed. Your sponsored child will be paired with a local church that will help encourage healthy development as they grow.

Through child sponsorship, that boy or girl will be given personal care and opportunities they would otherwise not have access to. Examples include medical checkups, healthy food, education assistance, and key life skills training.

And most importantly, sponsoring a child gives you and that child an opportunity to see the truth of the gospel in action.

Compassion set up a special opportunity to support children in memory of Lynn. If you would be interested you can learn more at Marilyn “Lynn” Klosterman Hoffman.

The Week After Surgery

November 22, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 2 Comments

It has been ten days since surgery. I am slowly recovering strength and beginning to move in familiar ways.

SURGERY

Surgery to implant the Hepatic Arterial Infusion Pump was completed on Tuesday, November 12th. I severely underestimated the significance of the surgery. Dr. Roses assured me that he told me it would be “a significant surgery.” I guess there is a difference between hearing those words and living through it.

I planned to come home on Friday after surgery. Those in positions of authority were convinced I needed to stick around until Sunday morning.

THE PUMP

The pump was successfully installed. On Friday, after surgery, we tested it. Testing the pump involved accessing it via needle and injecting a radioactive tracer and then taking some pictures. The goal was for my liver to “light up like a Christmas tree.” If that happened and nowhere else lit up, the pump would be working correctly. The picture shows my liver “lit up like a Christmas tree” with no radioactive tracer leaking to other organs. Success! The very bright section in my lower liver is the metastasis that we are going after.

HOSPITAL

My time in the hospital was surprisingly very peaceful. I spent most of my days sleeping or walking in the halls. Before we went to the hospital I told Nancy, “there was no need for her to stay with me, I would be well cared for.” It turns out I desperately wanted her there with me. She was an amazing comfort and help. Nancy stayed every night I was there, and it was reassuring to wake up at all hours and know that she was with me. I cannot express how blessed I am to have her walking this journey with me.

The nurses and other staff who cared for me were truly amazing. Some I saw for only one night or day shift, others became regular fixtures in my life. I began to pass along copies of my book, The Journey Continues, as a way of thanking them for the part they were playing in my journey. I am continually humbled by how the simple act of sharing our stories can bring people closer in a very short period of time.

SELF-FOCUSED

I would wake up each morning around two am. Early in the morning was a good time to get up and go for a walk through the empty halls. One such morning I started my rounds, and God helped me shift focus. Up till that moment I had been very self-focused. I was concerned about my pain, when I was getting out of the hospital, my recovery. As I walked the silent halls, I began to hear other sounds. The beeps and whirs of machines delivering medicine to other patients. I recognized the low grunts and groans as people tried to remain comfortable and sleep through the night. The conversations between nurses and staff as they discussed how best to care for patients. Slowly my focus shifted from myself to the rooms around me.

Walking the halls, I began to pray. Pray for the patients that they would know healing and comfort. I offered prayers for the families represented by each room, that they would know peace and strength. Walking past nurses and staff, I offered prayers for wisdom, discernment, and blessing.

Walking and praying, I lost sense of time. Before I knew it I had walked further than any previous time leaving the room. Safely back in bed I reflected on my prayer walk. Could it be that the strength to walk further came not from within but from the fact that I took my eyes off of myself and looked at others?

A PARTING GIFT

I was prepared to come home on Saturday. I had hit all the magic metrics laid out by the doctors and nurses. Everything ranging from being able to put on my socks, brush my teeth, to proper bowel function. My doctors wanted me to stay one more night just to be sure I was okay.

Two am Sunday morning, I got a new roommate. At Four am, my nurse woke me up and asked me to come into the hallway. “Your new roommate has a respiratory infection; we are going to move you to a new room.” With that I was ushered off to a new room.

Sunday afternoon, I began to cough. Tuesday I was in with my primary care doctor. Every time I coughed it felt like the stitches were coming loose. I am much better now. During my worst coughing fits, I will confess that I did reflect upon some of the scenes from Aliens. There were moments if felt like I was going to “give birth” to my pump.

There will be a de-brief about the need for “one more night” the next time I see my doctors.

PRAYERS FOR BEN

Can I ask you all to be praying for Ben? Ben is a two-year-old boy who is part of JAM Christian Daycare. Ben was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. Here is a note from his mom.

Today, we found out that Benjamin has B-Lymphoblastic Leukemia. We are in a state of shock and devastation, but our team of doctors are angels sent from Heaven. We have learned a lot from them, and even though it’s overwhelming, we have a plan that starts tomorrow. We are told that the cure rate is 80-90%. Please pray for Benny as he begins his first procedure and his first day of chemotherapy tomorrow.

I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers you have sent in my direction. Would you be willing to add Ben and his family to your prayer lists?

Thank you

God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good!

#TJCdn

Surgery is On!

November 9, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 1 Comment

Plans have been finalized. We are eagerly counting down the days till surgery. While we wait God is helping me grow in gratitude.

Plans are Finalized

Thursday meant another trip to Philadelphia to see Dr. Roses, my surgeon. The more time we spend together, the more I like him. He is confident, capable, and willing to discuss whatever thoughts I may have.

While on retreat this week, I made peace with the fact that I would not be traveling to Africa next week. I had planned to argue with Dr. Roses that we could wait until after Africa for this surgery. Sitting in quiet at the Jesuit Center, the Spirit spoke peace to my soul. My life would not be forever changed if I went to Togo. I needed to lay aside the resentment of missing this trip I longed for and be grateful for the opportunity for ministry in Kennett and this surgery. Content but not complacent. Africa will happen, just not right now.

I like Dr. Roses!

Dr. Roses asked about my decision regarding treatment. I told him I was ready for the surgery. It was time to get this pump implanted so we could move on with treatment. He asked about my schedule. I replied, “If you are ready to do this tomorrow…I will be there.” He smiled while Kaitlyn, his assistant, laughed. I was serious.

Looking at the computer screen, he said, “My next week is pretty full.” Turning to Kaitlyn, they talked of the need for approvals from insurance companies, the FDA (for the pump), and arranging for Operating Room time. By the sound of things we were weeks away from surgery.

After a moment of reflection, Dr. Roses turned to me and said, “How does next Tuesday sound?”

I like Dr. Roses! [Read more…]

My Private Wrestling

November 7, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

Warning: This kind of stuff normally makes its way into my personal journal. The thoughts I wrestle with in private, never allowing to see the light of day.

Redeeming and Transforming

The longer I have struggled with these thoughts the more I have felt led to share them. I am not seeking sympathy. Nor do I need you to speak words of comfort or praise. I share them because I believe it is one way God is working to redeem this journey of mine. I believe it is important for us to honestly share the entirety of life’s experience with each other. My prayer is that as I share my struggle God may transform it into a source of strength and encouragement for others. At the very least, may we recognize we do not struggle alone.

Blessed but…

With that said, I am blessed…but I am depressed, frustrated, and weary of the struggle. It is a season. Seasons come and go. The writer of Ecclesiastes wrote, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

I believe that to be true. Right now, I am embracing my season of struggle, frustration, and depression. I will not wallow there…but I will not deny it either. [Read more…]

DECISION MAKING

November 4, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com Leave a Comment

Decision making is not easy, especially big decisions. Chris Wells, a good friend and ministry partner, shares insight on a recent decision making process.

My Personal Brexit Saga

I’ve been trying to make a big decision. At least, it’s a big decision for me. The entire set of circumstances is long, winding, and convoluted. Ultimately, it boils down to this: stay where I am and keep doing what I’m doing or move on to something else?

A year ago, I was certain that moving on was the right thing. Nine months ago, staying was the right thing. Six months ago, definitely leave. My life in the last year has had uncomfortable similarities with the whole Brexit saga.

Trying to Hear Clearly

Confounding all of this, is that at each point in time I really felt certain that I was hearing God clearly. In each instance I had spent time in quiet, in prayer, with God’s Word, and come away certain that I knew what path I was supposed to be on. A month ago I took stock of all of this and decided that I needed to take my listening (or to use a church word: discernment) process to another level. [Read more…]

TREATMENT ROUND 4

November 2, 2019 By dnicewonger@gmail.com 3 Comments

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, and kind words.

I want to begin by expressing how amazingly blessed I am. Nancy is an amazing caregiver. My children care deeply for my well-being, and that means a lot. The church I serve continues to walk well with me and I love the opportunity to serve them and the wider community. The people I get to share life with each day are an encouragement and a blessing!

When I met with my newest oncologist he continued to express how impressed he was with how my body has responded to treatment. At one point he reviewed my scans from 2016 and remarked, “Your liver was filled with cancer!” There was amazement in his voice. My surgeon refers to me as “an outlier.” Dr. Saroha continues to be an encouragement and gently reminds me where we were, and how far we have come. All that to say, “I am blessed beyond belief.” God is Good All the Time…All the Time God is Good!

Friday afternoon I made the decision to move forward with Hepatic Arterial Infusion Pump. This means a pump will be surgically implanted into my body and will deliver chemotherapy directly to the liver. The liver is the only place we can see metastases right now so this seems to make the most sense. [Read more…]